Ex-Husband

March 6th

There is a person I want to see
Before my life expires.

In the afternoon, I sent an e-mail to my ex-husband.
I loved and I was loved in those days.
I sent an e-mail to my beloved ex-husband.
Before the curtain falls, I want to see you and talk.
I want to say thankyou and goodbye for the last time,
With a soft bashfulness.

Before I say goodbye,
For the last time I will reflect in your eyes again.

13:00
Kochi came
With a gourmet lunch

All right.  Clearing out Act II.
Let go of this, let go of that,
I let go of most of my history.
Feeling relieved, feeling light.

On the day I sent an e-mail to my ex-husband, I found our divorce paper.
Now that it was far distant past,
It's all right.
I felt I could simply see him, without baggage.

15:00
Ms. Grasshopper and Naoko cameraman came.
The e-mail to Bob, the moment I pressed the send button, the camera was rolling.
They shot empty drawers, too.

Kochi, thank you.  My life is being cleared out.
I have a feeling that the new me is being born.
Clearing Out Act III
To be continued for the next week.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Clearing Out

March 5th

I can't wash my face standing anymore.
So I wash my face while taking a shower sitting in the tub
To be safe and not to fall.
My routine is ever changing.
I appear normal; while my muscles crumbling.
Please cast a spell on me to be well.

13:00 Kochi came.  We had a lunch together.
Kochi cleaned the fridge for me.
She is tall and can reach up high.
She can work with brisk efficiency.
I‘m jealous.

15:00 Misato came
Holding a baby she is a real mother.
She let me hold her baby.
With the baby's weight heavy against my body
I smelled a scent of life, a scent of life to be.

The baby left in the arms of papa.

16:15 Mari came.
Girls talk.
Misato gave me a foot massage.
It felt very good.  Thank you.

18:30 Kochi and I alone.
"Do you want to start?"
"Now?"
"Yes."
As such, my project began.

Probably ... for not so long I can live here;  this life,  not so long.
Probably ... my extremities will stop working soon.
My body is heavy so heavy.  I can't walk.
My thin so thin muscles are crying out for help.
Begging me for help, crying.

It is time to clear out my belongings
To sort out my life.
I don't need most of the things, since I can't take them where I am going.
Only the memories will remain in me, in quiet brightness, I won't forget.

Kochi, I ask you to help me.
I will surely hold onto this and hold onto that with lingering attachment.
I ask you to push my back, saying"you don't need this and you don't need that."
The art of detachment
Clear off, clear out, and clear away.

With Emptying the drawers, my farewell begins.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

March 4th

March 4th

Maria was referred to a neurologist in her neighborhood. Today she made her first visit.  Naoko Ma came to accompany Maria to the doctor's office.

Naoko Ma came to pick me up at 10:30

A black flared skirt

Lift the left foot, lift the right foot, hold onto me

A dress-up doll is limp

They arrived at Okabe Clinic for initial consultation.  Dr. Okabe would be her primary care physician and would make house calls.   Her major concern was if the physician would support her planned New York trip.

"Is it a problem to go to New York?  Should I worry about the brething due to air pressure?"  I asked.

"New York?  That's great.  I would encourage you to do whatever you enjoy," the Doc said,

"I will write a letter to explain your condition.  No problem."

"I believe we should support patients to live the life they wish to as much as possible."

Thus, Dr. Okabe would become Maria's emotional supporter for the coming months.


Today, Maria's former boss, Mr. Seki, would come to see her all the way from Osaka.  A small get-together among the former NY colleagues was planned.  MAMA came to help her to get ready for the outing.  Then, one of the former NY colleagues, Mr. Sasa came to accompany Maria to the venue.

MAMA came.

We chatted about old days and life in general, while I put my makeup.

The time for reminiscences was ticking away.

I would sure remember this,

When I lie alone in a bed immobile.

Sasa came to pick me up.

The back of the wheelchair was warm with his presence.

Mama passed the baton to Sasa, "I hope you will take good care of her."

12 people came to the get-together, one of the former colleagues, Eiko, joined via skype from New York.  Maria had a good time with them.

3:00 am

Today is coming to the end without an incidnt.

Your caring about me touched my heart and soul.

It touched my eyes and tears welled up in my eyes.

I don't know why the happier I am, the sadder I feel.

The sound of farewell is very quiet.

Because I can't find a word.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and Translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Ordinaries of Life

March 3rd

The Housekeeper came at 10 am.
She warmed milk for me and did laundry
She changed the bed linen, it's clean.
The camera was rolling, recording my ordinaries of life.
They shot me without makeup.

At noon Mari came
With pork stew
Yay.  I will have it for lunch tomorrow.

Today's mission.
Mari, Ms. Grasshopper and I went off to the bank.
Transfer from this account to that account,
It took as long as volkerwanderung.

The next stop was Minato-ku local government branch office
Welfare Department
Application for the physical disability certificate and such.

The person in charge asked, "Do you need any help?"
I said,  "I need an assistance to go to work.  It would be helpful if you could provide some assistance."
The person in charge said,  "We can not provide assistance for the personal benefit."
Mari said, "What kind of assistance can you provide?"
The person in charge said,  "When the disabled want to go to a park, or to participate in the social event such as a festival, we can provide assistance."
I said,  "It would benefit the government if I work and pay taxes."
I said, "Should it be the way to support the independence of the disabled?"
The person in charge said, "I hope you would understand."
We said, "Thank you very much."

We got the application form for passport.

On the way home, I said to the camera,
"Next time, I will request the assistance to go to park."
It's a joke.
Hahaha
It's an empty laugh.
I am assisted to live by my friends.
I wish the government would walk by our side together.

The last stop.
To take a passport photo.
At a retro-looking photo studio.

I'm hungry.
We stopped by at a ramen shop.
A Kind looking woman.
One order of dumplings, too.

Arrived home.
Discussed New York Trip
Mari left for work
Ms. Grasshopper left for work.
Thank you very much for today again.

KP and I went to a Japanese restaurant for dinner.
800 Yen dried fish was good.
Okara was smooth.

My ordinaries of life for today is over.
I hope Tomorrow would be another good day
With Gratitude.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

On the Edge

March 2nd

11:30 am  The morning started when
MAMA came to help me to go to work.
I couldn't get a coat out of the closet.
Reaching out for a hanger, I would lose my balance and fall down.
MAMA helped me to slip an arm into one sleeve, and then the other.

"Which coat you are going to wear today?"
"Well, the yellow one."
The day starts like this.

At the office.
I keyed in the password and started up the Mac.
Mail, schedule, bookkeeping, banking software, I turned them on in that order.
Just as I always do
The desk work is going well.

There are many things I can't do.
To go to pick up printout.
To go to the fax machine.
To go to the copy machine.
To go to get letter paper and envelopes.

I can't go to the bathroom by myself.
I can't prepare a lunch by myself.

How many can't would be enough for me to leave.
How many is O.K. and how many is not O.K.?

Mari came to accompany me home.
Seeing her in the office reminded me of the time when we worked together in New York.

We are planning to go to New York to revisit our memory... well, it is tentatively-planned for.
We are already running into a wall.
The more we discuss, we find the wall thicker and higher.

What if I couldn't breathe because of the air pressure...
Emergency landing... it would cause so much trouble.
I need to get a doctor's permission
To arrange the stay in New York city
To obtain two Business class seats.

I am fine now, but there is no assurance that I would be fine in one month.
I am weaker than I was one month ago.  That's for sure.

Willingness alone is not enough to go, to work, to live.

It is easy if I don't go to New York
It is easy if I don't go to work
It is easy to chose the easy way.
But if I take the easy road, what would follow?
Regret or habit of resignation?
Wouldn't I lose hope?

How do you place the line of demarcation for limit.
I looked into the dictionary
Limit: the final utmost or furthest boundary

I used to say when I drank
I wanted to live on the edge.
It was true uttering a thought would breathe life into it.

KP and I went to a Korean Restaurant for dinner.
The name of the restaurant was Phoenix, Hermit, and Flower.
What a fantasy world it is.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Warm and Fuzzy Heating Pad

March 1st

Grey sky
I woke up before the alarm clock went off
I felt I gained enough time to
Go back to sleep.
The pink electric heating pad warm and fuzzy.

Taking a shower is becoming a burdensome chore.
The difference in level of the floor is an obstacle.
And I can't lift my left arm.

Thus I am still holding the warm and fuzzy heating pad.
When sleeping I am at ease,
Feeling as if without disease.
Nothing hurts, no fever.

The moment I wake up, the sick person comes into being
25 seconds for one step
50 seconds for two steps.
That's how I am
With a limp body.

I can't be spineless.
I need to stand up.
A day is a day is a day with spine or without spine.

Slowly, haltingly, deliberately
I put on my makeup.
False eyelashes, that's my trademark.
With those I feel confident.
Funny?

KP came.
I'm going out in a wheelchair.
I haven't gone out for three days.

It's nice to go out.  The street is alive
Like a live news broadcasting.
After the rain, I breathed deeply, cool air is fresh.
The sensation deep back in the nose, and I feel grateful.
KP, thank you.
Trees, flowers, you are alive, thank you.

I saw The King's Speech.
The wheelchair seat was in the first row.
I enjoyed the movie
And cried a little.

After the movie, it was raining outside.
The weather forecast proved right.

Since it's raining
Sushi takeout
The extra best quality nigiri
Cheers for my life, for today.
I'm going to sleep holding the warm and fuzzy heating pad.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

March

Maria's condition continues to deteriorate at an alarming pace.  Nobody including Maria has expected the symptoms to advance this fast.  Various ambulatory aids could barely catch up with her needs.  More and more, she becomes dependent on social services and her friends.

The cast of Maria and Her Company is ever changing, with a few principals.  Each has his/her own reasons to stay or to leave.

They have to navigate the social wellfare system of the local government, and go through red tape.

In the meanwhile, The plan of her homecoming trip to New York is taking shape.

by J. Ujiie