Spring Rain

February 28th

I heard the rain

Raining steadily.

In a wheelchair

I can't go to work.

The end of the month is the busy time.

I'm sorry for not reporting to.

Naoko ma came over during her lunch break to

Heat up chicken cooked in tomato sauce.

I'm grateful.  It's delicious.

I ate up.

I'm grateful for Mari, who cooked it for me.

I ate croquettes, too.

I haven't had a lunch for a while.

It's nice to eat.

Even unstable, I need to go to the kitchen more often

To heat up meals, not to lose weight more.

The housekeeper came.

The apartment became spic and span.

I am grateful.

In the freshly cleaned apartment,

We gathered; Ms. Grasshopper, Naoko ma, KP and I.

We ate stew, octopus balls, pan fried udon noodle, meat balls with black vinegar sauce.

Beer, Sake, makgoli

Ms. Grasshopper and Naoko ma brought.

The music I used to listened to when I was healthy

Was playing.

The memory of then came back.

With two legs I walked.

I went to New York, Germany, Canada and Bahamas.

I traveled all over the world.

Ski, skate, snorkel.

I tried everything

Sprightly I was.

It's raining steadily in the afternoon of February.

I closed my eyes silently.

The sprightly me is laughing.

The sprightly me is running.

The rain was beating the window pane hard and loud.
I opened my eyes to see the same white ceiling.
The sprightly me is no more.
The sprightly me can't laugh.

How I could accept this fate
Tell me, spring rain.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

My Beloved

February 27th

Do you like to spend time with your beloved?
If you have free time, don't you feel like sprinting off to see your beloved?

What would you do if your beloved say,

"I'm engaged on weekends."
"You'd better find somebody else."

You look at your watch while we are together.
We are together and you have a family to go home to.

At 5 in the morning I awakened from my dream
Of my beloved
With a feeling of anxiety,
The light bulb left on was illuminating my sweating heart.
How long will I go to sleep by myself?

Today is Sunday,
It's a beautiful day of Tokyo Marathon.

I wait all the time
In the same space, in the same room, all the time, hour by hour.
It's natural since I can't walk, but
I wish I could have a rendezvous with you just like lovers do
Dressed up.

KP opened the door with the key.
I was getting ready to go out.
"Tokyo Marathon is going on.  It could be difficult to go to Ginza."
"I see.  Then I won't go."
It was so simple to justify not going out.

KP kindly did laundry for me.
His way was so different from my way.
Just as his ways to live and to think are so different from mine.
We argued over how to do laundry.

I can't walk, I can't cook, I can't clean, I can't shop.
I can't do anything.
I'm tired of not being able to do anything.
I'm tired of waiting all the time.
I want to die.  I don't want this body of lead.

I got upset again.
And took out on you.
I've decided to be good and
I was thoughtless.

We had a dinner at a restaurant nearby.
I drank two glasses of shochu.
KP drank beer and sake.
Both of us got flushed and tipsy

You have a family to go home to.
KP locked the door behind, leaving me collapsed on the floor,
Begging you not to go yet.  You've closed the door to my voice.

What happened?
The bathroom is flooded.
I can't clean it up.  I can't mop it up.
But I have to do something.
I have to figure out a way.

I managed to get paper towel, rags, and cleaning agent,
with my immobile body
I sat on the bathroom floor
Immobile legs, Immobile torso
Sweating, my body of lead cleaned the bathroom.
One hour passed.
I did it,  I cleaned it.  I pated myself on the back.

Well, now, how do I stand up.
With hands, I paddled
My body slithered on the floor with
My legs trailing twisted and crooked like an old tree.

I managed to get to the bed.
I hoisted my upper body up on the bed, then kicked against the wall, and pulled myself up
With the determination of a caterpillar wiggling out of the cocoon.
Gasping, suffering.
I needed to rest.

I wish KP were here, even for five minutes.
With him beside me, my misery would be a long distance away.
But you have a family to go home to.
My dream has come true.

The dream and the reality were mixed up in my immobile body.
Sorry for taking out on you.
You didn't do anything.

I hope tomorrow will be a good day
For you and for me.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and Translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

A Resident of the Forest

February 26th

10 in the morning, they came to install
More ambulatory aid poles.
10 poles in total now in my apartment.
Hang on to a pole to stabilize myself, then move to the next pole.
Walk like an orangutan in the forests,
Not as skillful, though.

MAMA came with bread and salad
Lunch together
Milk and almond bread go well together
I drank steaming milk
The wind moved the white curtain and I saw the blue sky.

3 PM
Quiet and alone
I rested my tired body.
I inhaled negative ion
I fell asleep
The blue sky gave place to the dusk.

Rrrrr Rrrrr electronic sound
Yuri called
She came with a backpack.
She came on a bicycle this time.

Fermented brown rice, salad of her own recipe, marinated codfish.
Potato salad with wood ear and salted herring roe.
It's indescribably good.
Home made pickles.
She uses the best ingredients.

itadakimasu.
Bon appetit.
Wine in the glass glowing red
We picked up where we left off two weeks ago.
We have many thing to talk.

Thank you for opening a skype account.
Let's talk on skype to make up my immobility.

The resident of the forests, orangutan, uses poles to go to bed
Good night.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

© 2011

Hospital Again

February 25th

Appointment at 11:30
I left for the hospital with Naoko ma.
Following the white line on the floor
to the neurology department.
Examination room 127.

Tracheotomy, Yes or No.
What?
So soon?

Before the day comes when you can not swallow by yourself.
Before the day comes when you can not breathe by yourself.
You have to prepare for the day
While you still can.

Moving
Manpower
Paperwork
Change of the primary doctor
Change of thenursing care provider
Application for social services

The reality hit me.
I was putting off the end of my life.
My life was all in my mind.
I am a patient with intractable illness.
My eyes have been closed to the reality.

To organize my worldly possession is to organize the numbered days.

I stopped by at Tower Prince
The early blooming cherry blossoming in bright pink.
Spring like wind was blowing.
This could be the last time I see cherry blossoms.
I will miss it.

I ate meat spaghetti.
Vanilla Ice Cream and Ceylon Tea.
I have a healthy appetite and how could I organize the numbered days.

I reported to the office in the afternoon.
It's great to be able to work.
I'm doing great.

Kato came to pick me up
to my desk.
15:30
It's little too early but I ended today's work.

Naoko ma taught Kato how to handle the wheelchair.
It's pretty challenging to fold and open, while assisting unstable me to get on a taxi.

He accompanied me to home.
Coat, bag, this goes to the fridge, that goes to the bedroom.
Kato took a good care of me.
Sorry and Thanks.

Kato came back with sushi.
Chu-toro,  scallops, plum cucumber, abalone, arch, and sweat shrimp
Beer for Kato.
Lemon Chuhai for me.
Cheers.  It has been a long time.

Kato does R&D for a phermaceutical company.
Neurons and synapses, involuntary nerve and voluntary nerve.
Medical knowledge won't make my muscles move.
Inside the brain there is a space larger than the universe.
Micro and Macro converge somewhere in the universe.
I've thought so since I was a child.

Kato’s face grew red.
Beer face.
He cleaned up still while being red.

"You may send out an SOS to me at any time"
"Thank you Kato."

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and Translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

To Work or Not to Work

February 24

The alarm went off.
The Moldau plays every five minutes.
I have to wake up.  I'm looking up at the ceiling.

Roll and roll over I want to.
My immobile body remains almost in the same position as it was last night.
I pulled the fabric of pajamas to tuck in my legs
Like a baby.

The third Moldau stated.
If I go back to sleep like a baby
I can get away from the suffering of standing up.

The morning shower I loved when I was healthy,
I hesitate to take now.
I can not lift my arms.  I can not stand firmly.
I can not shampoo my hair right.
I stare up at the ceiling, wondering.
The baby is thinking about living.

I forced myself to move a little.
I can't move a lot, but I can move a little.
oops a daisy,  I hold on to the head of the bed
and twisted my body up.
Oops a daisy, Up I am.

I opened the curtains and
Took a break
I took a shower and
Took a break.
The time is running out.
MAMA came to pick me up
Half past eleven.
I can go to work today!

I am full of drive to work.
What can I do with my immobile body?
There is the dichotomy between the two.

Is it better for one with an immobile body to stop working?
Is it better for one with drive to continue working?
I don't know.  I really don't know.

For a little longer, I will live like the water flowing the Moldau.
The stream runs through the forest, down the hill, and widen the river, creating the landscape of the homeland.

I came home with Naoko Ma and Maho.
We decided to go to have dinner at the Yellow Ox,
Friendly Korean moms ran.
For the first time, they came out of the kitchen.

On the night wind, the wheelchair moved flowing
I've done today's job.
The river of Moldau keep on running.
Oops a daisy, again tomorrow
I'll do my best.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

World Clock

February 23rd

She walked down the stairs of the Suntry Hall
Unhurriedly, but not slowly,
Waving her hand, step by step.

My memory leaped 20 years back in time.
Like European, she hugged me right, left and right again.
My cheeks were pressed against hers, once two three, right and left.

Ben with his trademark bow tie against the blue sky
Looking good.
Mieko, when did I see you last time?
Those good old days.

Held tightly
I bit tears
I can't let it out.
Maria is quite contrary.

Sandwich, clam chowder, soup, we each ordered lunch.
We talked about New York, work, Hawaii, Kyoto, and my illness.
Her voice was the same, her smile, her timing to laugh was the same.
Our conversation outlived lunch
Just as it used to be.
We used to roll on the floor laughing in the lunch room.
We were young.

The destiny brought us together again.
The moment I felt like hugging myself,
Wind blew through the hall, bringing happiness to me.

What I wanted to tell Mieko for 20 years,
"I'm sorry that I couldn't see you more."

I took them to my office to introduce them to Ryan.
He used to live in Hawaii.

Somehow entire office gathered in a conference room.
Sam, Arron, Laura, Andrew, and Ryan
Mari and Ms. Grasshopper, too.
The conference room became lively.

I said hi to Miyata.
This office is my oasis.
I'll work hard.

Farewell to Mieko and Ben, leaving from
Tokyo station for Kyoto, then Hawaii bound tomorrow.

Azabu Juban, in front of my home, the real goodbye.
The last hug, I won't cry.
I found that without tears I felt sadder.

She left step by step
Unhurried but not slow.
The sky has turned pale purple.

KP came to wrap up the day.
We had dinner in a nearby restaurant.
It was delish.

KP got how to set up the negative ion generator
KP can do anything.
Since I said goodbye to Mieko today
I could say goodbye to KP tonight.
Walking together hand in hand I was happy.

World Clock, I added Hawaii.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

I Can't Get Up

February 22nd

I simply could not get up.  That was how it was.
The body clad in a large lead dress was down and out.
The legs remained straight and still as a rod despite my effort.

The muscles without nerve signals are always on the break.
And those muscles dye before I know it.
Aware or not, little by little.

The dead zone of muscles are spreading.
Abdominal muscles, back muscles, muscles around waist,
No matter how much effort I put in to stand up firm,
Without holding onto something with both hands,
my body collapses and
Falls flat on the floor, like an abandoned puppet.

I fear for the day when I turn into a puppet.
The day will come for sure
Before long.  No, please!

MAMA came.
Broiled salted yellowtail, meat 'n potato, congee with pickled plums.
And tea was delicious.

I took a shower.
After taking a shower, I put on make up.
It cheers me up.

MAMA came again to
Do laundry for me
In silence.
She is not talkative.  She comes on time and she leaves when it's done.

MAMA has been weight training to push me in a wheelchair.
She prepares without words.  That's how she is.
Thank you.

KP came
He cleaned the humidifier, tidied cords for me not to trip over.
Negative ion infusion.  It works.
I feel ion entering into neurons.
I feel as if the neurons started to fire again and revived.

I will be able to get up tomorrow.
When KP comes, I can get up.
It's a wonder.
I feel hopeful.

With you I went to a neighborhood eatery.
It was delicious as usual.
KP ate up dishes for two.

Hope lies in tomorrow.
I will be able to get up with you someday.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011