Spring

March 31st

I went out during the day to
See the sun for the fist time in 2 weeks.
I emerged out of the cocoon
Squirming around
Awkwardly to
Feel the breath of life, life in spring.

April comes tomorrow.
Freshly green, tender leaves, sprouting.
I have been given a gift of life for a month.
I am grateful.

poem by Maria Franki

edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

I Can Fly Some Day

March 30th

My life is confined in the apartment,
Where I could welcome 9 persons today.
It's much better than being alone.
Company trrnsformed the meal into a feast.

Naoko ma and Maho are lauging.
Three of us together has turned saddness into a laugh.
It's a magic.

Sis Kyoko is very caring.
Rather all the way at once,
Inch by inch
She pulls my PJ down.
My worn out PJ
She pulls down carefully and gently.
She even cares about the PJ.
I thought I wanted to live for this person.

Spring is just around the corner.
Soft and warm time is coming.
I want to walk in the sunlight.
From now on my heart warms up
To feel fully and fully.
And comes the end of me
Peacefully.

The sound of night
I listen to, holding my breath.
I hear the sound of being.
Conversation between me and the universe.

When I die, I am the sound of the night.
My being becomes the sound and run through the night sky and through the universe.

Even my life is mostly confined in the apartment
I can go to the celestial space someday.
It doesn't matter I can't walk.
I will fly.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Good Morning and Good Night

March 29th

Finally I fell asleep, then
The doorbell rang.
I don't need an alarm clock.
"Good Moring" starts my morning
To answer "nature's call."

13:36
Bobby called
To set the date for our reunion.
What do I want to do?
To hug and to talk, and
Dinner together.

I asked Bob to compose a music and create a video to accompany it.
He readily agreed.
He is talented.
I've believed so since the old days.

Bob sang his original song
On the othe end of the line.
My emotions and his original lyric
Resonated
And I bursted into tears.
Bob continued on.

I wasn't sure and I asked him.
I am floppy and wobbly.
May I have dinner with you?
Would you push the wheelchair?
"No need to ask."

18:00
Dinner with KP
Delicious.
It would be much more delicious if we were not in foul mood.
We quarrel because we get along so well,
The old saying goes.

I heard the humidifier working
Thank you for setting it up.
Good night.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Happiness Little by Little

March 28th

I sipped water earlier and
I'm afraid I can't hold my bladder till 7:30 am.
9 and half hours since,
A full bladder, not a full stomach, is
A serious problem.
I'm embarrassed but I'll be honest to tell you.

The doorbell rang
Here she comes for
The morning toilet round
To rescue.

But
I couldn't pass no matter how hard I tried.
I have had this before when I had an operation.
My mind and my nerves were out of sync
Because I've held it too long.

It sounds so similar to ALS.
The motor neurons do not receive messages from the brain.
I wondered if it was why I got ALS, while I tried to relieve myself.

I gave up.  I'll try with the next helper.
10:30 am
It's coming along.
13:15 pm
The nurse came.
It's getting better.
She didn't do anything special.
My mind and my nerve had calmed down.

Mr. Caseworker.
I need a solution.
I can't stop water go through my body.

Early evening,
I succeeded in voiding my bladder
And I was relieved.

Naoko ma and Maho came
They quickly prepared simple and delicious salad.
If I were well, I would prepare it for myself.
Simple salad dressing of olive oil and soy sauce.
Simple is wonderful.

Cheers.
I can't stop gazing at their muscles
Sound legs in jeans
filled with life's vigor.

We had a pizza.
Melting cheese
My unstable body
Melted and swing left and right.

Mr. Sasa came.
You get kinder every time I see you.
With his face flushed
We talk about the good old days.

I was blessed with wonderful work places.
I have no complaint whatsoever.
Many taught and trained me.
I am truly grateful.
Thanks to you all, I've made this far.

Mr. Sasa moved my feet.
Yes,  that is the feeling of walking.
Feeling the earth firmly beneath my feet.
Skipping and jumping
I was not afraid of dusk then.

See you again.
It means we will be able to see each other again, doesn't it?

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Sorry to talk about the bladder Issue

March 27th

From 12:30 to 17:30, 5 hours
It's my limit to hold
the bladder.

What about after hours?
From 22:00 to 7:30 next morning
9 and half hours
It's beyond my capacity
I can't hold.

Not being able to walk made me aware that
I used to go to the bathroom without even thinking about it.
I've never counted my trips to the bathroom.
I'd better consult my caseworker
Before I develop cystitis.

My symptoms are progressing so fast.
I've experienced the symptoms which usually take 3 to 4 years in 7 months.
It's too fast for my mind to catch up.
My mind is losing touch with my body.

Yesterday I could, Today I can't
This and that movements
I can't brush my hair, I can't hold up a mug, I can't move the pillow closer.
I can't reach for your hand.

I got a mail from Yuri.
She is coming, bringing me super healthy dinner

I asked Yuri a while ago
I want to do something for you. What would you like?
This is her reply

"All I want is for you to cherish your life fully one day at a time. I'm sure other friends wish the same. Your attitude toward life is a gift for us."

Every time I read it, I find myself close to tears.
I'm writing about the bladder today.
I confessed I had snapped.
There are many days I do not cherish my life.

Her words are too good for me.
To cherish my life fully
One day at at time, one hour at a time
one moment at a time
What does it mean to cherish a moment?

I am living with ALS
Yuri's friend said,
A.L.S. = Affectionate Loving Support
It might be a clue to cherish my life fully

5:00 pm
It's still light out
Beyond the curtains the dusk is waiting
I am sadly aware that
You are not coming.

The usual melancholy melody plays on PA speaker.

7 hours till midnight
I hope the wonderful time is coming
Love and hope and expectation

Yuri, I'm waiting for you.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

A Cold Morning

In a cold morning the north wind blows
It's already March and still
The window is rattling,
Chilling me to the bone

I woke up.
I have to be grateful ... for what?
I am a mere vessel ... in which my life resides.

I closed my eyes tightly
And heard the wind far in the distance.

7:00 in the morning, I had the bathroom assistance service
For the first time.
Ms. Muramoto comes every morning.
I didn't know there was such an occupation.

My eyes follow the TV screen.
Through my nose, I breath.
With my ears, I hear the noise of daily life
My mouth shapes words
My skin receives love
My five senses I am grateful for.

I want to move and move.
To walk
to stand up
And to take a step.

10:00 am, the weekend housekeeper came.
I sorted my bags today.
I will still use this one.
I will donate this one.
I sort these and those.

The home care equipments supplier came
to remove the ambulatory aid poles.
The poles are for me to hang on to when I walk.
I can't walk and I can't hang on to.
Just two weeks of life with poles.
It's just like my short life.

Just before 3:00 O'clock, Ms Grasshopper came.
At 3:00 O'clock my hero, Dr. Okabe, came for a house call.

When I talk with Dr. Okabe, I feel good about the life.
It is as if a new medicine is being produced in my body.
The vital medicine working through my body.

Dr. Okabe encouraged me to go to NY.
He pushed my back with a caring heart.

Kochi came with food.
Party for three
Kochi, Ms. Grasshopper and me.

Chinese food.
Ms. Grasshopper brought strawberries and tangerines for desert.
I'm blessed with kind people.
I want to return the kindness.
How can I do?

I talked with Ms. Grasshopper till midnight.
Are we going to be together for a long run? or just a short distance?

So far our idea for the documentary is the same.
It's almost identical.
We seem to be destined to meet.
Tension and feeling of closeness
Both are important.

The north wind stopped.
Ms. Grasshopper is sound asleep.
She must be tired.
She had to carry me to the right and the left,
Move me to the right and the left.

I got a mail from my ex-husband.
He wants to see me in New York
Just by ourselves.
We will talk, a lot, about
Our past and the future.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Spun and Spun Out and Out

March 25th

My sister is sleeping beside me.
We slept side by side on the home care bed.
My sleep was deeper and wider than usual.
Two of us together made me feel safe.

Savory toast for breakfast.
Three kinds of pasta for lunch
Tangerines directly from the garden of Sis Kyoko.
Sweat and sour taste of first love
A seemingly happy family.

Mr. Kikuchi, the caseworker and Mr. Watanabe came
To meet my sister.
They introduced themselves to each other.
"Thank you for taking care of her. And then I hope you will continue to assist us."

And Then
My sister asked me about "and then"
I wish my symptom would not progress and I wish I could continue to stay here by myself, together.
And then ?  She asked.
"Think it over."  "Make up your mind soon."
She hit a bulls-eye.  She threw a fastball.
I don't know yet
I don't know what I should do.

My illness is progressing.
My body signals me.
But I don't want to go back to my home town, where my mom and sister live.
Soon after my homecoming, they will place me in a nursing home in
A town called Flat, the town I don't know.
The town nobody comes to visit me.

I am unwanted.
I am a burden. That's the truth.
I sensed the truth
Nobody wants to have anything to do with
The life of the invalid, the disabled, the incapacitated.

My sister left me looking for the way.
I feel for my way through "And then?" and "Then what?" in the twilight of my life.
I don't have much time left.

For the first time, I wanted to die.
"What would you do?" they ask, and I don't have an answer.
Every day I have to answer the question, "What would you do?"
I don't have future.
So why can't I choose the option of "death"?

The god has given me a ticket to the death and I am not told the time of departure.
If I knew, I would be afraid, I would be sad.
I'm a coward.

In the evening
KP came
He told me that the subway was packed.
I want to know about the world
more and more.
If I don't know anything, my dream to be a politician would be far away.
(I wanted to be a politician.)
(You would think I was dreaming, but I was serious.)

Immediately, KP left by himself to have dinner.
Am I going to wait for you?  Again?
I've been waiting for you all the time.

Again the air of solitude took over the apartment.
Let's try how far I could go.

I pushed my self up
I fell off the bed and collapsed.
A week made a big difference in my strength, my breathing.

New York Trip ... might be out of reach.
I have to make a decision tomorrow.

There are so many decisions to be made.
I am spun and spun out and out.
My mind is screaming like Munch's painting.
I am in a fit of insanity.

Crazy, somebody said.
Provoked, I became crazier.
I don't care about
"And then?," and "Then What?"

Selfish, somebody said.
I can't keep on smiling all the time.
Allow me to scream, allow me to get angry, allow me to bark.

What? The quality of life?
How can I have it?  Tell me!
Instead of telling me to hold on.

I know
the truth of my heart.  I want you to protect me,
Embrace me
Like the universe.

I'll promise I'll not get mad
Even when I'm suffering.

Oh God, let me live.
Is it selfish to ask?

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Three Sisters

March 24th

I got a mail from Sis Kimi.
She is coming.
Since last night she flip flopped
She is coming, No, she is not coming.

Sis Kimi came.
Yuka came
Sis Kyoko came.

Along with two nurses and Ms. Grasshopper
My apartment is full house.

Naoko ma came late afternoon.
Sis thanked Naoko and Naoko thanked Sis
And I thought about the connection the fate made.

It's been long time since the family got together.
It seems so long ago.

It's been several years since I saw Sis Kyoko.
The time between melted away immediately.
We are sisters.
We look alike and think alike.
I had a belly laugh with my weakened abs.

I ate bean cakes
Made with home grown beans,
They reminded me of my mother
On this spring equinox.
Thank you for bringing them.

I hope the Shinkansen super express lines will recovers soon.
It's a line that leads to my home town.
Beautiful Fukushima
Where your future lies?

Ms. Grasshopper came late at night,
Delivering important things.
Green card and the receipt for new passport
I'll leave for New York on April 6.

Sisters and Yuka.
Good night from the living room.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Before I Know It

 March 23rd

I am shrinking
It appears no different today from yesterday.
I am smaller than I was one month ago.
I am much smaller than I was two month ago.
Before I know it.

9 o'clock in the morning.
Naoko ma and Maho came
Long time not see
Less than a week feels like a long time.

She placed my emaciated body in the wheelchair.
The deadweight of my light body.
My left foot has been lost,
Drooping like a dead snake.
My right foot is on the verge of death.

We chatted for a while.
I wish I could go to work with them.
I wish I could talk on extension line.
"Maho, you've got a call."
The office I've worked for 10 years is
Still fresh, very fresh to me.

Ms. Moriwaki worked for an hour.
Kitchen sink is spic and span.

I lay on the home care bed
Deserted.
I feel a little lonely.
It might be during such time when my body shrinks,
Shaken with earthquakes.

3:30
Mari came
To prepare for the NY trip.
Passport
Hotel
Flight
We discussed

All is up to my condition.
Will the small body be able to carry my weight?
I have to eat not to lose body mass.
Nutrition for my heart, nutrition for my body.

Subaru Care Center service representative came.
I retained the service for early morning and night house calls
It would ameliorate the bathroom situation.
Still 8 hours of holding time.

KP came
with a bottled water and sake.
Dependable, your mere presence is enough
We get along so well and that's why we quarrel, that was the old saying.

We will drink your sake at the next girls get together.

The home helper, Ms Ando, prepared dinner for me.
Chicken wings Norrippe had brought.
Macaroni Salad Maho brought
Ginger Tea sweetened with honey and oligosaccharide.
I am helped to be alive.

Before I know it, the time has come to say goodbye.
Before I know it, my heart has been thrown off balance.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edied and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

In Fate's Hand ... How It Happened

March 22nd

The night before, Maria was facing a daunting challenge of holding her bladder overnight.  Her friend assisted her to go to the bathroom at 7:00 pm and left.  Maria was expecting her boyfriend would come to help her later.  She got an email informing that he would not come and she was feeling at a loss.

A sense of urgency I had, it is true.

For a person who can't walk, call of the nature is a compelling matter.

Even though I know I should not hold off relieving myself

I hold back drinking water and eating.

If you ever hold it you would understand

The sensation of holding a full bladder made me think

It was better not to drink or to eat

That was the best solution ...

One of her friends, Yuri, read Maria's blog entry and came to rescue after midnight.  She stayed for a while till Maria calmed down and went back to sleep.

Maria was surprised by the quick response to her blog entry.  "Thank you from my heart for reading my blog.  When Maria is no more, I hope you will remember me even a little," she wrote.

Early morning, in the really early morning

I heard the scrape of a key in a lock.

KP came.

I am half asleep

Feeling relief

I am delighted in full.

"Why didn't you come?"

"I have my reasons."

Yes, each life has reasons

You have yours and I have mine.

I'm sorry that I am pigheaded.

Blame my glibness.

ALS... the day will come when I can't talk, eat,

Pout, nor laugh.

I will be immobile.

That was what  came to my mind while pigheaded and

I felt sad all the more and

I picked on you

In a wrong way.

I want you to share

I just want you to pretend to share

That's enough for me.

The full size bed is not suitable for nursing.

I do understand.

The classy headboard is too high to

pull me up with shoulders.

The hand rails on both sides would make it easier 

to roll over.

I noticed now.

I called to exchange for a single bed.

How long I would be able to live in this apartment?

My life and my toilet problem are both 

In Fate's hand.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

'Cause It's Raining...

March 21st

It is still ...

Raining

Window in the morning.

Maria had an appointment with her hair stylist.  The hair salon was in a walking distance from her apartment. But it was raining.  Norippe called a wheelchair accessible cab.  The cab fare was about $57 for a ride less than 5 minutes.  "If I could use a regular cab, the fee would be $9.00.  If I could walk, it would be for free," Maria wrote.

Maria's former colleague, Tomeko, came with home made sweets and a hand knitted lap blanket.  "I'll cherish it for all time," Maria wrote.

19:00 Norippe is leaving.

She hugged me, like an American,

Tightly, much more tightly than before.

For three days

She assisted me to 

Have meals

To take a shower

To go to the bathroom

To clean and organize the apartment and

To shop.

Thank you very much for your care.

I thought I could never go for a drive.

Sometime a friend, sometime a mother, sometime a colleague.

Norrippe, let's go on a trip together

In the next life.

It's quiet

In this room.

I am waiting for the one

I am waiting for KP

Coincidence or by telepathy

The moment I thought about him

I got a mail from KP

"I can't come tonight.  I'll be there as soon as possible tomorrow."

That's all.

What should I do?  I can't go to the bathroom tonight.

What should I do?  What should I do?

The diaper is far away.

I can't reach the medication.

I shouldn't have drunk water.

The last time I went to the bathroom was at 19:00

How long should I wait till the morning.

I can't stand up by myself anymore.

MAMA is away in Kyoto.

An uber practical problem I'm facing.

My pulse is beating fast

In the anxious night

Desperately waiting for the morning to come.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Drive Yokohama

March 20th

The electric home care bed was installed in the living room. The new chapter of Maria's journey begins. This is the second day of her waking up in the living room. Maria, with the help of her friend Norippe, re-configures her apartment as well as her life.

Sorting out things to discard.

Cassette tapes, DVDs, Plates, clothes 

I don't need most of them.

We decided to give them away for recycling.

A bag full of my stuff

My precious belongings; I want somebody to use

My shoes, my crystals and my party dresses.

Things of the past when I had fun

I walked down Park Avenue glammed up.

Carnegie Hall and the Lincoln Center

Symphony, ballet, Christmas

The Prince Tower Park Hotel, which has changed my life.

I had great times at parties I worked for.

The champagne ball, Christmas party, casino, the new year's party.

I greeted guests with a big smile as receptionist till

My cheeks were sore.

1:00 pm we drove to Yokohama.

It was my first outing in 10 days.

The blue sky, driving; wind blowing on my cheeks.

Why do I have this illness?

At midnight, I organized my room with Norippe.

Sorting out one by one

Opening and closing one drawer and then another.

Feeling hungry, we smiled at each other at 2:00 am.

The tomorrow is coming

When Norripe leaves.

Will I able to hold my tears?

In these days it's hard to bid farewell.

'Cause it could be the final one.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J.Ujiie

©2011

A Pair of Fabulous Shoes

March 19

A walker and handrails for the bed were delivered.
When I was in the hospital, I could still walk with a walker.
What happened?  Today, I can't walk even with the walker.
My thigh muscles can't hold up the weight of my body.
The message from my brain won't travel.
It is not about the force of will.  It's a different line of command.

I take a shower.
I am wobbly and I can't wash well.
It's different from a week ago.
My neurons are being destroyed rapidly.
Today is Saturday and it's a day off.
But the destruction is 24/7.

We went to a clothing store
My first shopping in a while
I bought a red bag
And a cute spring scarf.

Norippe shopped
A black leather jacket, a scarf
And a leather shoulder bag.
Everything is cool.

It was fun, isn't it? The retail therapy as usual.
It was a good deal.  I'm so excited.
I will place the purchases next to my bed.

I found a pair of fabulous shoes... but... I let it go...'Cause I can't walk.

Norippe cooked dumplings from scratch for dinner.
10:00 at night.  A steaming pot.  Party for two.
A condensed time.
Will I see Norippe again?
Will there be another time?
I am collapsing.
A shadow is closing on.

Will my consicousness remain in this world?
I'll prove when I pass away.  Watch me.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Memorial Day of the Life to Live Alone

March 18th

The bed I bought last July.

I bounced, lay and sat on it to decide to buy.

The bed I fell in love with.

I thought I would use it for the next 10 years.

Nevertheless

I have to say goodbye today.  I have to let go of it today.

I am sorry. I couldn't use you for a long time.

My new bed is a rental one.

An electric home care bed.

Narrower than a full size bed with

Head and foot adjustment would make it

Easier to sit up.

It would make it easier...but

I wish I could be on a regular bed.

On a regular bed, with a normal body, living an ordinary life.

I stretch legs and arms, then open the curtain wide with one hand.

I make a coffee.

I pour aromatic coffee for my beloved.

I haven't forgotten ... how it feels ... but ... I will never have ... such a morning.

Naoko Ma came in the morning

Despite the radiation scare

To assist me to use the bathroom.

I have become a person of assisted living.

I was born to the fate to walk unaided.

I am searching for the way to live single-handedly.

Poem by Maria Franki

On this day, the local government caseworkers in charge of disability benefits and the representative of the home care provider came to assess her needs.  Maria's life involves three kind of social welfare system, one for home nursing care, one for disability, and one for intractable illnesses.  With all the application procedures not much different, it gets confusing.

People came and went.  The one from the rental bed company, the representative of the home care provider, the caseworker, Naoko ma, another colleague of hers, Ms. Grasshopper.  Maria writes, "They came to my apartment and they are creating a network."

KP came, again.

And Here comes Norippe from Nagoya

With a large backpack full of food.

Huge quantity she brought.

It must have been heavy.

Noriko ma is tough.

She lifts me up amd carries me to the bed, places me in the wheelchair.

She has learned a lot from her own experiences.

I can learn a lot from her on my third day of immobility.

Thank you, KP.

You gave me a massage,

While repeating, "I'm tired,"

You wouldn't stop until I say "It's enough."

You are kind deep in your heart.  I know.

The day I would say "Goodbye,"  I hope it will not come.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

A Dream of the Days Long Gone

March 17th

I failed to

Stand up from the bed.

I planted both feet on the floor and

Pushed away the bed with both hands to raise myself up...

Oops, I failed.

Watch out!

On the spur of the moment I fell back on to the bed.

If I had fallen forward, I would have hit my head and died.

I've learned what it means not to have working muscles.

Yes I know I have ALS, but this is my first time.

I can't tell when I fall until the last moment.

I waited for Ms. Moriwaki, the housekeeper, on the bed

With my body lying in a twist, I couldn't reposition myself to stand up.

I waited for Ms. Moriwaki lying twisted.

I'm cold.

I can't reach for the blanket.

Ms. Moriwaki came.

She helped me to move to the shower.

I took a shower on a chair.

My left arm wouldn't rise.

I shampooed my hair, praying for no more earthquake.

It smells good, this shampoo.

Poem by Maria Franki 

Maria's day starts like this.  Every morning she finds something she can't do anymore, and waits for somebody come quietly and patiently.  And she appreciates something so ordinary for us, like the smell of her shampoo.

Then her day starts to get busy.  Her colleagues, her friends, her home care providers come one by one.  On this day, after Ms. Moriwaki, the housekeeper, left, her friends from the work, Naoko ma and Ms. Ijichi came bringing lunch for her.  With lunch they brought pieces of her life before illness, laughter, gosship, political discussion, etc.

They left.

A registered nurse and a physical therapist came from the visiting nursing station.    From now on they will come twice a week for check up and physical and occupational therapy.

They left.

Then a nursing care worker came.  They will come to assist her on weekends.  There are only few nursing care providers available for weekend services.  Usually family members can provide care on weekends.  Maria does not have a family.

They left.

Mari came.  She always brings her home cooked meal.   On this day, she brought soup with pork.  Maria   recognised that the soup was full of love.

Mari left for work.

Ms. Moriwaki came again.  Maria used the bathroom in a wheelchair Naoko ma brought. It's better than using a pipe chair.

Ms. Moriwaki left.

After everybody left, the room is suddenly quiet.

Beyond the curtains, it's already pitch dark.

I met new people.

If I were not ill, I couldn't know those wonderful people.

KP came.

He placed me in a wheelchair and I traveled all over the apartment.

Using a wheelchair to move around in the apartment would work.

I'll try not to complain much.

We ordered sushi from Matsukan Sushi Restaurant

We were happy with the quality and quantity.

Where did the fish come from?

The beautiful scenery, the beautiful sea, a fishing village with abandance, my home town.

It reminds me of the earthquake.

I'll see you again, Mr. Mayor

Hang in there.

At night another earthquake.

I'm scared.

It's reassuring to have KP beside me.

It's really assuring to have somebody with me.

I wish I had a family.

I should have created Maria's family.

A dream of the days long gone

I talked to Bob

Today.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J.Ujiie

©2011

Just 4 cm, All 4 cm

March 16th

The overnight guest, Kochi, left at 5:30 am.
"What should I do?"
It's not even 6:00am.
It's too early to call MAMA.
I can't get up without assistance.
Well, it's all about call of nature.

I tried to stand up by myself only to find
My left leg fail.
I can't stand up.
It's impossible to walk.

Walking and going to the bathroom, I gave up on and
Went back to sleep.
I dozed off lightly and had a pale dream.

8:00am
MAMA came to
Rescue.
I complained to MAMA that
I'd been waiting for her to do this and that and
I couldn't walk anymore.

MAMA sat next to me, and laid her hand over me quietly
With silent tears.

I hold onto MAMA and placed myself on a black folding chair,
Beneath the chair, a bath mat was placed to
prevent scratching the floor.
Slowly and deliberately, MAMA moved the bath mat,
With the bath mat, moved the chair, and with the chair, moved me.
In the same way Mari and Naoko ma move me,
With my feet drooping.

10:30 am
The local government disability certification officer
Came to appraise my home care grade.
Re-appraisal was necessary since my disability progressed.
I was grateful that my case worker Kikuchi attended the review.

The housekeeper Ms. Moriwaki came
She is my hands and feet.
When I see her face every morning, I feel relieved.

In the afternoon, I am left alone.
When I'm not working, I am always alone.
I might not be able to work.  This could be it.  I'm afraid I won't be able to go on.
I'm turning into a has-been.

Ms. Grasshopper stopped by.
The 4cm board I declined since I couldn't walk anyway,
the board to step over 8cm difference of the floor height
I changed my mind again and asked her to buy it for me.
The store was already closed.
I can't step over 8 cm
Because I couldn't make up my mind.
When she said she would go to buy.

Dusk.  Left alone. Azabu Juban, in the room.
I'm hungry, I said to myself.
To the fridge in the kitchen, less than 5 meter away  I can't walk,  I can't reach.

Watanabe and Ando came
Onigiri, Mari's home cooked meat, potato with fish roe
Japanese tea.
I finally had today's dinner.
Gochisosama.

Midnight
I practiced to
Walk to
The bedroom
15 steps
gasping for air
over barrier of 8 cm
One step at a time.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Progression of Symptoms II

March 15th

A sleepless night, a restless night
I woke up breathless to find
Only one hour had past.
I took a deep breath and
Still felt breathless.
I took another deep breath
Another and then another.

The earthquake is chasing after me.
The monster swelling up black and large, faster and faster.
I broke out in a night sweat.  These days
I dream only a dream of requiem.

Mari is giving me a foot massage.
It feels so good.  My skin without muscle tone is delighted.
From her hands love flows in.
I had a stinging sensation deep inside the nose.
Why I feel like crying when I feel love.

We chatted about this and that, and important things.
She cooked breakfast and helped me to take a shower.
Fried rice and Chinese soup.
I felt I can start my day.

11:30 am
The housekeeper Ms. Moriwaki came.
She did laundry and cleaning for me
Always smiling.

12:00 pm, my caseworker Kikuchi came.
He arranged care providers to visit every day.
We have to change the disability grade.
Nurse's home visit is arranged.
My condition has progressed so.

Soon, Naoko ma came
With a lunch box.
There could be radiation outside from the nuclear plant.
When you see me, you cry, and when you leave, you cry.
Our friendship has been deepened.
It's been 10 years.

Bob called
Sleepy voice.
Isn't it midnight there
in Rochester?
Midnight conversation and Midday conversation started between former wife and husband.

Bob researched about fukushima nuclear power.
Yes, it's your speciality.
I've forgotten about it.
He gave me advice about wind direction and clothing.
Again and again.

It's same as it was, the tone of your voice.
It brought back memories.
We searched for words, and we found, "Talk to you tomorrow."
My heart felt warm.
We live in the past.

4:00pm
Kochi came
In a suit.
She looked different from weekends.
She looked like a big sister, a business woman.
In the kitchen, she is talking on a cell phone,
Reliable and decisive.
I envy you, you can work.

The dinner.
Potato salad with the potato my sister grew.
My Sis' potato is yummy
It taste even better with fish roe.

I'll call Sis tomorrow.
She is taking care of our home.
The home I will come home to some day.
I'll pray for peaceful Japan.
We will build peaceful Japan.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Progression of Symptoms

March 14th

I woke up to severe twitching characteristic of ALS
Fleeting twitches of the muscles in the back, chest and arms.
The twitching is getting more severe these days,
Followed several days later by weakness and atrophy.
I know because I have eight months of experience.

This morning, I fell
In the bedroom.
Ms. Grasshopper carried me back to the bed.
The morning when I can't walk has finally come.
Ms. Grasshopper left for work.

MAMA will come in a while.
I'm afraid to walk, so I wait still.
If I fall, it's over.
Neither of my right arm nor left arm has strength.

Naoko ma called.
I told her the progression of symptoms.
Informed, the caseworker came immediately.
Since the phone is dead, he came to my apartment directly.

My care schedule should be changed accordingly.
Without assistance, I can not go about my daily life.
I was made aware of,  I was assured of, once again.
I AM disabled.

8 months ago, I could do anything by myself.
It is an illusion now.
I believed I would get well,  I wanted to believe,  for the past 8 months.
Silly me.
Pollyanna, I was.

My caseworker, Kikuchi, worked out my care schedule.
I run out of breath when I speak.  My symptoms progresses as the Doc predicted.
Is my body varacious or was it the doctor?

Kikuchi left and MAMA left.
I was left alone.

My ex-husband, Bob, called.
We talked about Fukushima, Power plant, meals
We talked about this and that for more than two hours.

Then we got to the heart of the matter,
Why did we end up splitting up.
After all these years, all the more reason things we could tell.
Neither of us utter the word, love.
It is better that way.  That will do.

7:30 pm
Mari came with
Chinese style vegetable soup.
It was good.
Steaming hot.
With steamed buns.
It reminded me of Chinatown in NY.

We had fun together in NYC.
Good old days.
Anyway, somehow I am happy now.
You cooked this delicious meal for me.

If we have a reunion in the heaven,
"Maria, you would be the happiest one."
Mari said.
Loved by everybody.
Is that so?  It could be so.  My feelings went round and round.
I'll be waiting, up above the sky.

CM came back on TV.
Until yesterday, they only reported 100% earthquake news.
In such a way, people's memory fades, and the mind prepares itself to move on.
The news flow away vainly.

Just like the life does.
It stays in the world for a while, and then it flows away.

Mari stays over in the living room.
Tomorrow morning, I'll say good morning, cheerfully.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Two Days After

March 13th

Mind and heart wide awake.
Experience of escape with bare life heavy
The sleep restless.

I head noise from the living room.
Kochi opened the curtains.
It was a beautiful day
when precious lives were lost.
Overwhelming sadness remained.

Eating the breakfast Kochi fixed for me
I fell asleep immediately.
Wrapped in a blanket
feeling warm as in a womb.

A shower time
What's wrong with me?  I can't walk.
With Kochi supporting my back,
I still can't walk.
Back, abdomen, and tights are out.
That's a bad sign.  Am I going into immobility?

I was carried to the bathroom.
On a chair, I could manage to take a shower.
The muscles were weakening without mercy.
Is this an ultimatum from my muscles?

4:40 pm
Ms. Grasshopper came.
Since I can't step over 8 cm height differences, she is planning to place a 4 cm board.
Stepping over 4 cm twice, I can step over 8 cm.
She measured the length of the board.

Dinner with 3.
Leftover.
Everything was sold out.
The shops were empty.

Ms. Grasshopper left to buy boards.
Kochi left for home.

I was overcome by fear of not being able to walk.
On TV, the news was horrifying.
Double sadness in a lonely room.

11:40pm
Ms. Grasshopper came again
With a flashlight to
Prepare for rolling blackouts.
She couldn't buy boards.
The shops were closed earlier.

Ms. Grasshopper had beer
I had chocolate.
Sweet and delicious.

I want to forget everything.
About illness, about the earthquake.
Tomorrow, I'll find love.
I hope it will be that kind of Monday.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

The Day After

March 12th

The sleepless night shifted into the morning
Aftershocks
My heart pounds.
I won't be able to sleep tonight again.

Elevator is not working.
I can't climb up and down stairs in a wheelchair.
I wait here for the earthquake to be over.

Ms. Grasshopper is in the living room.
She stayed over.
Yogurt and milk for breakfast.

TV is showing the earthquake damage.
Right now, at this moment people are suffering.
Many people.
Quick, hurry, rescue them please.

1:00 pm
Kochi came with takeout food and milk.
Ms. Grasshopper left.

Kochi and I lay down, exhausted.
Kochi hasn't slept, either.
It's little chilly.  It's much colder in the earthquake hit area.
We should not complain.

6:30 pm
Mari came.  Ms. Grasshopper was alread back.
Yuri came with her black back pack.
Kochi and I.  Five in all.
With the company I felt less anxious.

I got a short mail from my ex

"Hi Maria, I can't get through yet.  Is Ayako San still with you?  I hope you have water and food.  I will try again later.  Take care, Bobby."

Ex-husband is worrying about food and water.
Just like the old days.
I need to send him a mail to let him know I'm o.k.
I'm with the wonderful company and they fixed meals for me.

I want to send the words of gratitude.
Tonight.
I feel nostalgic.

Tomorrow, when I wake up Kochi will be here.
I'm happy and good night.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Earthqake

March 11th

2:46 pm
I was on a sofa in the living room
The handles of dressers started to dance
The noise of earthquake.
I know from the experiences.

I thought it would be over soon, as it always was.
The furniture shook, the room shook, and the building shook.
It was a monster earthquake.
My body with ALS was about to be swallowed by the monster.

What do I do?
I have to think by myself, and I have to act by myself.
All I can do is to crawl,
Crawl and crawl and crawl like a snake.

In the room shaking, I crawled
Toward the center of the room, inch by inch, inch by inch
Oh, God, I called out.
Praying, I covered my head with a cushion.

Rolling and shaking
CDs came falling off
I thought I would die here.
I was scared, I was afraid.
I wanted to die peacefully.
I don't want to be in pain.

I am still alive.
The large shaking stopped.
I looked up and opened my eyes.
What do I do?
What do I do?

The snake made its way to back to the sofa.
It's coming again.  It came again.
The monster of the earth is acting up.
There is nothing I can do.

I turned on the TV
To find out it was not an inland earthquake.

I got an e-mail from Ms. Grasshopper.
"Do you have anybody with you?"
"No.  I'm scared."

In a little while the doorbell rang
Ms. Grasshopper and her boss came.
The boss went out to buy
Snacks and drinks
And left.
I didn't have a chance to say thank you.
Thank you.

Together with Ms. Grasshopper,
Two is better than one
It's heartening.

MAMA came
with a fire fighter's helmet.
She said her dog ran out to the terrace
And was freezing.

Naoko ma, Andrew, and Maruyama came from the office.
They confirmed my safety and reported to the boss.
What a coordination.
What a wonderful company and people.
I was move to tears.

Mari came.  She walked from her home.
Thank you.  And you washed dishes for me.

Again alone with Ms. Grasshopper
"Let's be prepared.　Forewarned is forearmed."
A small candle, a lighter
We packed in a bag, shoes, a towel, and winter clothes.

Ms. Grasshopper said she would carry me on her back.
I'm light but it's on forth floor.
Hang tough.
Hang in together.

We can't fight on an empty stomach.
In the fridge, we found Mari's home cooked tomato stew.
We ate together with gratitude.
We could say it was delicious, even after the earthquake.

After a while, mails arrived all at once.
From kochi, kato, ueno, maho, harumi, hozue, maiko, thank you for your mail.

I got another mail.
What?
From my ex-husband.

"Are you OK? I tried to call, but all lines are busy.  If you can, call, text or email anytime.--Bobby."

"I am with Dad at the doctor now.  I will try to call U tomorrow AM Tokyo time if phones are working. I am so happy U are OK and with Ayako San.  I will pray for you and all Japan.  --Bobby."

My heart is touched by your caring, all the way from U.S.
I'll hang in
To fight against illness and earthquakes.

The day will come to say
"Goodbye" is still far away.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Tightrope

March 10th

The housekeeper came.
Bathroom
Bedroom
Living room
She vacuums and cleans.
I'm so happy.

She warmed milk for me. Thank you.
I can not even have meals without assistance.
Every day is on a tightrope of life.

I used to walk on a tight rope of love.
Today I can't love without eating.
The life is a balancing act.
Somebody said it would be break even at the end of the day.

The housekeeper left.
Alone in my apartment.
It's so quiet.

When I was young
When I believed my life would go on forever,
I thought quietness and silence was cool.

Now...
I am not into quietness.
Quietness makes me think about the death.
It must be quiet "there."
Rest in peace, they say.

I beg the time not to come yet.
I don't want to die.

7 hours of silence.
I type on keyboard.

6:30
KP came
He installed a flat panel TV for me.
I'm impressed.  He can do anything.

We went out for dinner to the usual Korean restaurant.
Let's order something different today.
Yes, we'll do so.
Bibimbap to share
It's delicious.
Next time we will get two orders.
Yes, we'll do so.

The starless night.
The wind was cold.
I want to walk side by side
Not front and back
Do you hear me?
You are pushing the wheelchair.

2:00 am.
Silence fell again.
Bearing the fate of immobile body
From yesterday to today, and tomorrow
I walk on a tightrope of life.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

House Call

March 9th

15:00
MAMA opened the window wide to let the outside air in.
It feels so good.
A windless sunny day.
A ray of sunlight came in and cheered the room up.

Mari, Naoko ma, Watanabe, my caseworker Kikuchi, Yoshioka of Francebed, Ms. Grasshopper, MAMA and I gathered together

Care planning
Visiting nurse services
Rehabilitation
Grocery shopping
Meals
House keeping
A bed and a lift chair.

What I would need was discussed

18:45
Dr. Okabe came.
How to breathe, how to bring up sputum
About the role of oxygen, about respiratory muscles.
Influenza and how to roll over.
He explained with respect.

He would help me to sign up for the clinical trial.
It's wonderful
I saw the world through the rose-colored glasses.
It was my greatest joy to know Dr. Okabe.

With Naoko ma and Ms. Grasshopper
We started to drink
9:00 at night
Beer, highball, Lemon chuhai, and sake to finish up with.
With lunch boxes bought at 7-11.
It's easy and quick.

I was given a foot massage.
The feeling of lymphatic drainage lulled me to sleep
Stroll, strut
I want to walk
On a tree-lined street, cherry blossom in full bloom.

Tears and laughter
Naoko ma crying and blowing a nose.
Your makeup is coming off.
And I felt my own tears on my nose.
Girls talk at night with a box of tissue paper handed back and forth.

Naoko ma took back the wheelchair I'd been using.
Thank you, my wheelchair.
Thank you for carrying me.

Ms. Grasshopper helped me to prepare for tomorrow.  She
Arranged and placed my belongings in places,
Emptied the trash bin, filled water in the humidifier.
See you, she smiled.  Thank you.

This room hold many thank you today.
I'll go to bed now.
Then I wil fall asleep, murmuring my gratitude to the heaven.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Sweat Heart

March 8th

12:50 pm
The cell phone rang.
At the other end of the cell phone over the static
I heard my ex-husband's voice.
Tears overflowed all at once.
Silence flowed between us.

The scenes from the life we shared,
Times of joy and times of sadness, were played back at an incredible speed.
Bob was crying, too,
Sniffling and reaching for tissue paper, just as he used to do in those old days.
He got the last sheet, and we laughed together.
Just as we used to be.

Love remains unchanged
I became convinced.
I don't wish to make up for the time after we broke up.
I'm sure you feel the same.
I just am happy to feel our feelings are still there after those years.

My sweetheart,
His voice, resonates
In the same way it did.
What is not the same is I have to say goodbye for good.

KP was watching
Our tears and conversation
My oscillating feelings
The moment I was convinced,
Like a robot
Turning pages of the newspaper.

My life goes on.
Laundry.
Grocery shopping.
Cleaning.
I am grateful, KP.
You always take good care of me.

We went to a restaurant, "Anbai"
A wheelchair accessible table they have.
And the food is good.
Their retro decor gives me a feeling of peace.
We had a 6000Yen course, and
Were happy with the quality and quantity.

KP loves sake
He helped me to prepare for going to work tomorrow,
Red-faced.
The life flows.

Is my life flowing to the end?
It's sad, it's lonely.
What should I do when the flow reaches to the end.
The answer, nobody knows, nobody tells.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

A Good Day, Rainy Day

March 7th

The morning it was snowing and raining alternately.
I heard the rain
And sighed in the bed.
I had to give up going to work.

Naoko Ma and Maho came
With curry rice.
It brought back some memories.
When I was well, I used to go out to buy one.
Ms. Grasshopper joined.
The lunch is better with company.

Snowing afternoon, alone with Ms. Grasshopper
Digging out old video tapes
Eureka!
Wedding
Christmas
In reminiscent of
what we did and what we were.

Looking out
I saw people holding umbrellas
Rain, rain, please stop raining.

Ms. Ono came to accompany me to a restaurant,
"Roji", it's still drizzling.
Even gentle rain makes you wet.
I am sorry, I am sorry that it requires two hands to push a wheelchair.

Taku, Fumiko, Ayano
Old colleagues of the New York office
Always make me happy.
Fumiko,  Ayano
Yes, I'll call you when I need somebody to scratch my back.
Because of my illness, there are many things I can't do by myself.
Thank you very much.
I am grateful.

They came to my home.
I can't even serve tea for you.

After midnight,
The time between the morning and the night
I turned on the PC.

In the inbox I found the name of
My ex-husband, Bobby.

20 years of separation melted away.
His writing
He is just like he was in those days.

"That being said, I spent so much time thinking about you since I read your email this morning.  I was crying on the airplane from Rochester, but I remember so many happy times we had together."

Your words are enough.
I am happy to read your words.
Thank you,  I really am grateful.

The words I found between the night and the morning

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Ex-Husband

March 6th

There is a person I want to see
Before my life expires.

In the afternoon, I sent an e-mail to my ex-husband.
I loved and I was loved in those days.
I sent an e-mail to my beloved ex-husband.
Before the curtain falls, I want to see you and talk.
I want to say thankyou and goodbye for the last time,
With a soft bashfulness.

Before I say goodbye,
For the last time I will reflect in your eyes again.

13:00
Kochi came
With a gourmet lunch

All right.  Clearing out Act II.
Let go of this, let go of that,
I let go of most of my history.
Feeling relieved, feeling light.

On the day I sent an e-mail to my ex-husband, I found our divorce paper.
Now that it was far distant past,
It's all right.
I felt I could simply see him, without baggage.

15:00
Ms. Grasshopper and Naoko cameraman came.
The e-mail to Bob, the moment I pressed the send button, the camera was rolling.
They shot empty drawers, too.

Kochi, thank you.  My life is being cleared out.
I have a feeling that the new me is being born.
Clearing Out Act III
To be continued for the next week.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Clearing Out

March 5th

I can't wash my face standing anymore.
So I wash my face while taking a shower sitting in the tub
To be safe and not to fall.
My routine is ever changing.
I appear normal; while my muscles crumbling.
Please cast a spell on me to be well.

13:00 Kochi came.  We had a lunch together.
Kochi cleaned the fridge for me.
She is tall and can reach up high.
She can work with brisk efficiency.
I‘m jealous.

15:00 Misato came
Holding a baby she is a real mother.
She let me hold her baby.
With the baby's weight heavy against my body
I smelled a scent of life, a scent of life to be.

The baby left in the arms of papa.

16:15 Mari came.
Girls talk.
Misato gave me a foot massage.
It felt very good.  Thank you.

18:30 Kochi and I alone.
"Do you want to start?"
"Now?"
"Yes."
As such, my project began.

Probably ... for not so long I can live here;  this life,  not so long.
Probably ... my extremities will stop working soon.
My body is heavy so heavy.  I can't walk.
My thin so thin muscles are crying out for help.
Begging me for help, crying.

It is time to clear out my belongings
To sort out my life.
I don't need most of the things, since I can't take them where I am going.
Only the memories will remain in me, in quiet brightness, I won't forget.

Kochi, I ask you to help me.
I will surely hold onto this and hold onto that with lingering attachment.
I ask you to push my back, saying"you don't need this and you don't need that."
The art of detachment
Clear off, clear out, and clear away.

With Emptying the drawers, my farewell begins.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

March 4th

March 4th

Maria was referred to a neurologist in her neighborhood. Today she made her first visit.  Naoko Ma came to accompany Maria to the doctor's office.

Naoko Ma came to pick me up at 10:30

A black flared skirt

Lift the left foot, lift the right foot, hold onto me

A dress-up doll is limp

They arrived at Okabe Clinic for initial consultation.  Dr. Okabe would be her primary care physician and would make house calls.   Her major concern was if the physician would support her planned New York trip.

"Is it a problem to go to New York?  Should I worry about the brething due to air pressure?"  I asked.

"New York?  That's great.  I would encourage you to do whatever you enjoy," the Doc said,

"I will write a letter to explain your condition.  No problem."

"I believe we should support patients to live the life they wish to as much as possible."

Thus, Dr. Okabe would become Maria's emotional supporter for the coming months.


Today, Maria's former boss, Mr. Seki, would come to see her all the way from Osaka.  A small get-together among the former NY colleagues was planned.  MAMA came to help her to get ready for the outing.  Then, one of the former NY colleagues, Mr. Sasa came to accompany Maria to the venue.

MAMA came.

We chatted about old days and life in general, while I put my makeup.

The time for reminiscences was ticking away.

I would sure remember this,

When I lie alone in a bed immobile.

Sasa came to pick me up.

The back of the wheelchair was warm with his presence.

Mama passed the baton to Sasa, "I hope you will take good care of her."

12 people came to the get-together, one of the former colleagues, Eiko, joined via skype from New York.  Maria had a good time with them.

3:00 am

Today is coming to the end without an incidnt.

Your caring about me touched my heart and soul.

It touched my eyes and tears welled up in my eyes.

I don't know why the happier I am, the sadder I feel.

The sound of farewell is very quiet.

Because I can't find a word.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and Translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Ordinaries of Life

March 3rd

The Housekeeper came at 10 am.
She warmed milk for me and did laundry
She changed the bed linen, it's clean.
The camera was rolling, recording my ordinaries of life.
They shot me without makeup.

At noon Mari came
With pork stew
Yay.  I will have it for lunch tomorrow.

Today's mission.
Mari, Ms. Grasshopper and I went off to the bank.
Transfer from this account to that account,
It took as long as volkerwanderung.

The next stop was Minato-ku local government branch office
Welfare Department
Application for the physical disability certificate and such.

The person in charge asked, "Do you need any help?"
I said,  "I need an assistance to go to work.  It would be helpful if you could provide some assistance."
The person in charge said,  "We can not provide assistance for the personal benefit."
Mari said, "What kind of assistance can you provide?"
The person in charge said,  "When the disabled want to go to a park, or to participate in the social event such as a festival, we can provide assistance."
I said,  "It would benefit the government if I work and pay taxes."
I said, "Should it be the way to support the independence of the disabled?"
The person in charge said, "I hope you would understand."
We said, "Thank you very much."

We got the application form for passport.

On the way home, I said to the camera,
"Next time, I will request the assistance to go to park."
It's a joke.
Hahaha
It's an empty laugh.
I am assisted to live by my friends.
I wish the government would walk by our side together.

The last stop.
To take a passport photo.
At a retro-looking photo studio.

I'm hungry.
We stopped by at a ramen shop.
A Kind looking woman.
One order of dumplings, too.

Arrived home.
Discussed New York Trip
Mari left for work
Ms. Grasshopper left for work.
Thank you very much for today again.

KP and I went to a Japanese restaurant for dinner.
800 Yen dried fish was good.
Okara was smooth.

My ordinaries of life for today is over.
I hope Tomorrow would be another good day
With Gratitude.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

On the Edge

March 2nd

11:30 am  The morning started when
MAMA came to help me to go to work.
I couldn't get a coat out of the closet.
Reaching out for a hanger, I would lose my balance and fall down.
MAMA helped me to slip an arm into one sleeve, and then the other.

"Which coat you are going to wear today?"
"Well, the yellow one."
The day starts like this.

At the office.
I keyed in the password and started up the Mac.
Mail, schedule, bookkeeping, banking software, I turned them on in that order.
Just as I always do
The desk work is going well.

There are many things I can't do.
To go to pick up printout.
To go to the fax machine.
To go to the copy machine.
To go to get letter paper and envelopes.

I can't go to the bathroom by myself.
I can't prepare a lunch by myself.

How many can't would be enough for me to leave.
How many is O.K. and how many is not O.K.?

Mari came to accompany me home.
Seeing her in the office reminded me of the time when we worked together in New York.

We are planning to go to New York to revisit our memory... well, it is tentatively-planned for.
We are already running into a wall.
The more we discuss, we find the wall thicker and higher.

What if I couldn't breathe because of the air pressure...
Emergency landing... it would cause so much trouble.
I need to get a doctor's permission
To arrange the stay in New York city
To obtain two Business class seats.

I am fine now, but there is no assurance that I would be fine in one month.
I am weaker than I was one month ago.  That's for sure.

Willingness alone is not enough to go, to work, to live.

It is easy if I don't go to New York
It is easy if I don't go to work
It is easy to chose the easy way.
But if I take the easy road, what would follow?
Regret or habit of resignation?
Wouldn't I lose hope?

How do you place the line of demarcation for limit.
I looked into the dictionary
Limit: the final utmost or furthest boundary

I used to say when I drank
I wanted to live on the edge.
It was true uttering a thought would breathe life into it.

KP and I went to a Korean Restaurant for dinner.
The name of the restaurant was Phoenix, Hermit, and Flower.
What a fantasy world it is.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Warm and Fuzzy Heating Pad

March 1st

Grey sky
I woke up before the alarm clock went off
I felt I gained enough time to
Go back to sleep.
The pink electric heating pad warm and fuzzy.

Taking a shower is becoming a burdensome chore.
The difference in level of the floor is an obstacle.
And I can't lift my left arm.

Thus I am still holding the warm and fuzzy heating pad.
When sleeping I am at ease,
Feeling as if without disease.
Nothing hurts, no fever.

The moment I wake up, the sick person comes into being
25 seconds for one step
50 seconds for two steps.
That's how I am
With a limp body.

I can't be spineless.
I need to stand up.
A day is a day is a day with spine or without spine.

Slowly, haltingly, deliberately
I put on my makeup.
False eyelashes, that's my trademark.
With those I feel confident.
Funny?

KP came.
I'm going out in a wheelchair.
I haven't gone out for three days.

It's nice to go out.  The street is alive
Like a live news broadcasting.
After the rain, I breathed deeply, cool air is fresh.
The sensation deep back in the nose, and I feel grateful.
KP, thank you.
Trees, flowers, you are alive, thank you.

I saw The King's Speech.
The wheelchair seat was in the first row.
I enjoyed the movie
And cried a little.

After the movie, it was raining outside.
The weather forecast proved right.

Since it's raining
Sushi takeout
The extra best quality nigiri
Cheers for my life, for today.
I'm going to sleep holding the warm and fuzzy heating pad.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

March

Maria's condition continues to deteriorate at an alarming pace.  Nobody including Maria has expected the symptoms to advance this fast.  Various ambulatory aids could barely catch up with her needs.  More and more, she becomes dependent on social services and her friends.

The cast of Maria and Her Company is ever changing, with a few principals.  Each has his/her own reasons to stay or to leave.

They have to navigate the social wellfare system of the local government, and go through red tape.

In the meanwhile, The plan of her homecoming trip to New York is taking shape.

by J. Ujiie