Change

April 28th


Sis Kyoko
Came
Holding a large bag.


Light comforter
Fluffy Airy
Spring has come.


MAMA
Came
The full lineup of
Three are here.


Dried saury
Steaming rice
Onion and tofu miso soup
Celery, cucumber and tomato salad
Itadadakimasu
Let’s eat.


MAMA is moving.
It doesn’t sound real.
E-mails, phone calls
Many ways to connect
Won’t lighten up my deep desolation.


See you
Again
So long as I breathe.
Be well MAMA
Pinky swear


Goodbye
My friend of 30 years
Hope we could laugh
Together again.


Sayaka,
A flower in our office.
Came.


Sunny and sweet
Lively and earnest
Weather forecaster
What is the forecast of tomorrow’s
Weather for love?


Alone together
We talked up over cakes.
Girls talk heated up
Anything goes.
On this occasion, in that case.


21 O’clock
The home care helper is
Making preparations for bedtime.
A day flies by.


The sun sets and
The sun rises.
Through a single window
The sunlight
I gaze and
I know self
I know other.


Immobile
I dare to change the way I live
A little
From now on.


I look forward to
Meeting the person
I will be in one month.

by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie
©2011

U Turn Love!?

April 28th


The morning light radiant
Bursts all over
The bed
By the window.


I yawned and stretched
Just with arms
Quietly with
Both legs in silence
Against the blue sky.


My heart was overcome with
Acute feelings of loneliness
From today
Your visit would be shallow and narrow.


“Get over it,”
You said,
“and my love will make a U-turn.”
Tough condition it is;
To “get over it.”


You have two vectors.
And all I can do is
To live with it.
My first ever endurance test.


My caseworker, Kikuchi
Came in the afternoon.
An assuring ally
My weakness, fear and
Humor
I am blessed to share with.


The ALS residential care facility
Requires funds.
Cancellation is not allowed
And tracheotomy is the condition for placement.


I am too young to be placed.
Should I be happy or sad?


Life moves on bumper-to-bumper condition.


14:14
Bob called for the first time in a long time.
Hearing the familiar voice
In a heartbeat brought
Tears in my eyes.


What is this feeling?
This is not loving
This is not being beloved.
It is time to untangle the thread.
We needed this time.
Times now past.


Hear me, Bob,
My precious one,
You are far and away.


The sun and the moon
I am the moon
Always on the side.
I don’t mind.
I am now in that kind of love.


On the other end of the line
Is Bob listening in silence.
A husband and wife we used to be.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

copyright 2011

Rain Destined

April 23rd


Woke up to “Good morning.”
Still only half awake
Rocked back and forth gently in a wheelchair
I am on the bathroom trip, a morning ritual.


The rain meets my ear
Like the sound of fate.


Over the forest
Over the hill it travels and
Converges in the ocean, evaporates in the air
Blown by the winds, it rains
Someday somewhere.


I wonder where it has traveled,
The rain destined to meet me
Here and now.


“Yikes, I haven’t yet got cured this morning.”
Awaken from the nightmare,
I go to work.
I pictured to myself any number of times
Not once or twice.


Unexpected
Fate of mine
To encounter one in one hundred thousand
I landed where my fate was.


My unexpected life
Has a support team.


Dr. Okabe on house call.
I asked about Non Invasive Ventilation
To assist breathing.


Explained, I searched the internet.
It was a mask I was told and I imagined
A white medical face mask.
It was quite different,
As different as an elephant and a mouse,
Quite heavy duty and wouldn’t agree with my makeup.


I don’t want to wear
Honestly speaking.


Breathing is getting challenging
My breath is shallow
I can’t speak loudly.


Between two options
I’m torn.


The day will come when I will not be able to breathe
Expecting the unexpected life,
Opt for or out mechanical ventilation.




I will opt out, I think.
Without breathing I would last only for 3 minutes.
God, please, I want to go without suffering.


Dr. Okabe’s sense of optimism is infectious
And I see the glass half full.
While trunk onset
Face and chest muscles are intact (so far so good)


Encouraging and inspiring
Dr. Okabe is.
My spirit is uplifted.


I can talk
I can eat
I can think about important things.


I can type with the right hand.


Beautiful music
Gorgeous flowers
I want to feel more.


Sis Kyoko
Left.
My upbeat sister
My favorite.


Sis Kyoko says,
“I am glad I could laugh with you.”
Me too, Sis Kyoko.


I want to live to laugh more and yet more.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J.Ujiie

copyright 2011

The Starless Night

April 21


The edge of curtains dull purple.
Still before sunrise.


And then, I remembered the drink
I used to like to have in the morning
When I was young.
I know. I’ll ask Moriwaki to fix.


Add instant coffee in
Steaming hot milk
And stir up, swirl around.
It’s good, it tastes morning.


I held the mug cup
With my left hand.


No matter how hard I tried
The cup wouldn’t move, and
Remained still where it was.
What else can I do? I held the cup
With both hands and sipped.


I’m losing the use of my left hand
From day to day.
I am left only with my right side.
Have mercy, I’m begging to spare just one.


I promise I’ll eat and trough.


A plate of salad with three kind of vegetables.
Shredded cabbage
Vigorous tomatoes
Crispy fresh cucumbers


Bamboo shoot rice
(Sis Kyoko’s special)


Dattan Buckwheet Tea
(Naoko bought for me)
(You won’t see it sold in stores.)


13:20
Visiting Nurse
Shimada-san
Massaged my feet.
It felt great.
Since I could not walk, she moved my feet as if they were walking.


I might walk again.
A faint sense of hope glimmers.
It felt that good.


By any remote chance, the nerves might re-connect.
It’s naïve to hope that. Silly me.
Just like drinking by myself to
Think that.


11:00
Residential care service stuff came
Moriwaki
Kumiko
I hope you will take good care of me.


18:25
I got a text message from KP
He is coming.


He wants to spend time with me
Till he misses me.
The short message murmurs
My expectation and
Your reality
Misses each other.


You say that I will not die.
Look me straight in the eye and
Face the music of my mortality.


Otherwise, I can’t live a life of now.
Otherwise I can’t live a life of us.


23:45
I am grateful to today
With a proper hug of goodbye．


The humidifier you’ve set up
Embraces me with a warm hug,
My heart and soul, and immobile body.


Have mercy I’m begging.
Please spare one, just one.


I pray to the starless night.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J.Ujiie

copyright 2011

Spring Haze

April 19th

Following the thread of a dream
I turned over slowly in my sleep,
Running on a narrow footpath in
Spring haze.

Skyline straight
Green of grass flowing
The sun singing
I am treading.
I don’t want to be awaken from the dream.

I want to walk even only in a dream.
My feeling shimmered and wavered
As if in spring haze.

My sister asks me
Now what? And then?
Because I am ill, because they are worried, because it’s incurable,
Everybody asks.

Food
Work
Money
Uber-pragmatic questions
What are you going to do about?

As I don’t have the answer, I say nothing.
I can’t tell now.
I said quietly.

My family is waiting for me.
I am staying.
I am not clinging onto.

As I love people
I love this area.
Azabu Juban
But MAMA is leaving.

I still have things to do.
I can’t go home
I am still on my journey.
I need to do what I want to do
It’s a race against time
My life limit crossed my mind.

Why don’t I act up?
Under the pretext of disability?

Now what? What am I going to do about?
Simmering and wavering like spring haze
Time is just passing by
Even now.

Sister has left.
Quiet
Somber, heartwrenching

I want to see my mother
Spring haze in the country.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

An Ordinary Life

April 17th

The morning when my sister is around is
The best.
I can be spoiled; she takes a great care of me.
And I can enjoy meals.

Slept in late, and I woke up to find it was past 9 o'clock.
I had her to change my body position to
Lie on the right side with legs placed like running.
It has been a long time since I lay in this position.

She made me fresh ginger tea
Sweetened with honey.
I hope it will relieve a cough.
I have been having phlegm lately and having a coughing fit.

I hope it is just seasonal allergy, not the sign of progress of the disease.
No, it must be allergy.
I told myself so.

I've been having a cough and feeling sluggish.
I'm short of breath.
I gonna die I complained to my sister.
I'm sorry to make you worry.

Today's weather is
Neither clear nor rain.
It is an overcast day.
It is an ordinary weather.
Ordinary?

And then I thought about you, my love.
I wish I could have an ordinary life.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Family

April 16th

12:00
My sisters arrived,
Sis Kimi and Sis Kyoko
With bags full of goodies.
The room becomes filled with life
The table becomes filled with food.

Sis Kimi has brought azuki bean rice and butterbur sprout.
Home made preserved plums.
Sis Kyoko has brought macaroni salads
'Cause it's my favorite.

I pulled the overbed table closer.
This is the dining table for me.
I spread a napkin out as if for a baby.
I can't raise my left forearm.
The mug is too heavy for me to hold up.

My family
My sisters I spent my childhood with.
Before we knew, we were talking about the old days.
The yearning for the days past has filled my heart and
My holding the yearning in my heart brought us all to silence,
Leaving only the sound from TV in the room.

Sis Kyoko left.
Sis Kimi will stay over till 19th.
It's been a long time to sleep in the same room.

Nikomi Udon for dinner
Macaroni salads
Strawberry for dessert.

21:00
The home helper came.
I have my feet rubbed.
My left foot feels heavy and weak.
The muscles are waiting for the signal to walk.
I beg you, motor neurons, please send a signal.

Getting ready to go to bed.
On the overbed table, I place the remote, a water bottle, a notebook,
Tissue paper, the cell phone, a pen, and a dictionary.
It's important that everything is in place.
'Cause I can't walk
And more so as I live alone.

My body resides in a small bed
Surrounded by the railings, like an animal.
If I think it's miserable, I would be miserable.
If I have a hope, I would find something to be happy about.
That's how the life goes.

I will spend another day with my sister.
Azabu Juban, a family of two.
In my hometown, my mother is waiting.
I can only chose one.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Butterfly

April 15th

Hanging on to slivers of sleep,
After the morning toilet ritual,
I ran back to the dream as fast as I could
Shutting my eyes tight.

09:45
My caseworker Kikuchi and
The local government welfare agent
Came to upgrade the level of care
From Class 3 to Class 4.
It's progressing so rapidly that
I could clearly see what's waiting.

I was feeling lonely expecting to spend the day by myself.
Then
18:45
KP came.
I am happy.
Very happy
In addition he brought my favorite food.

If only I could walk, I would be happy to do anything for you,
I would be happy to do laundry.
I would be happy to do grocery shopping.

I wish I could walk beside you, looking glamorous.
We used to do that
Just half a year ago.

The illness robbed me of that.

In the immobile body, I keep my heart free like a butterfly.
The spring is around the corner, when the butterfly floats.
The last season is around the corner, when I could float.

You become a flower and
The butterfly lands on you.

Can't it be like that?

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

© 2011

Disconnect

April 14th

7:00

Shaken straight up from the deep underground
That is how I woke up
Without even a moment between sleep and wakefulness.

The morning ritual of every day till I die
Toileting assistance
It means I am alive, but ...

One and half hour's sleep
Rather than a sleepless night, it was a sleepless morning.

10:00
The single bed was delivered.
With the width of 85cm (33.5 inch), it is narrower than single.
It's a hospital type home care bed.
I used to sleep on a king size bed, rolling over as many times as I liked,  joie de vivre.
Since then, my life has changed more than a little.

KP said,
"It has changed."
Knowing what he meant, I still ask, "What has changed?"

His mind has changed.
His heart has changed.
We have changed.
We can't see where our relationship is going anymore.
And it is my body that has changed most.

"It is inconceivable."
"What is inconceivable?"
"..."

I am sorry that
I can't be a cool woman for you anymore.
I am sorry that
I can't be there for you carefree and happy.

But, I can still see you
I am grateful for the time we spend together,
Even though I don't deserve to see you in this condition.

I want to get along with
My time.
The precious time to live to the fullest
A short and sharp life to live.

"We could see each other as long as three hours," you say.
"We could see each other only for three hours," I say.

There is a disconnect between our love.
There is a disconnect between a man and a woman.

If we always play nice to each other, we will be really cozy with each other.
I was happy to see you on the first day home.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and Translated by J. Ujiie

© 2011

On Japan Side

April 13th

The sky of Japan is coming closer and closer.
The sun has traveled around the globe and is shining on Japan now.
The setting sun I saw together with Bob.
No, it's not the time to be sentimental.

Passport Control
Luggage Claim
Custom
We landed on Japan without trouble.

Again we hopped on the TV station van again
traveled to Azabu Juban.

6:30
We came home to
Waiting Naoko Ma.
Kochi, too.

Sent off on that side,
Greeted on this side,
Thus I could revisit New York.
I wish I could find a word to express my gratitude.

Mari handed me over to Naoko Ma.
How do I feel now?
I am overwhelmed with emotion. Where do I start?
Documentary is stranger than fiction.

Kochi, Naoko Ma and I had dinner together.
I have to eat to be strong.
Taste of Japan, Beef Bowl.
Back to the life in Japan
From now on.

10:30
Left alone
I can't move. Wouldn't I know it?
To nobody I murmured Good Night.

Poem by Maria Franki

edited and translated by J. Ujiie

© 2011

On the U.S. Side

April 12th

After five nights and seven days,
A min van pulled up in front of Hilton New York.
The seats were higher and it was a hassle to place me on the seat
With just girls' arms.
J. pulled and Mari pushed.

Timing the pull and push
My body is heavy and waggly
And they have never done before.
Thank god
I... am ... on ... the ... seat.
A sense of relief.
Thank you all.

Junko waved me out of sight.
I could talked to her, but not enough.
I wish I could have more time to talk to you.
But I'm glad to have seen you.
I am so grateful.

Goodbye the familiar cityscape.
Manhattan is flying away behind me
Farther and
Farther.

From the window of the SKY Lounge
I saw the airplane bound for Japan.
I was born in Japan and
I will go back to Japan.
It makes sense.
I hold tight the amulet J gave me in my hand.

I am on board.
I could use the toilet on board.
I have Mari disinfect the toilet seat not once or twice.
Thank you so much.
And I didn't have a problem with air pressure.

Soon I will be back to Japan.
And I feel the second chapter is beginning.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

© 2011

Embrace

April 11th

On the fourth day in New York, Maria re-visited her old office, where she worked from 1991 to 1997. There still were several people who knew her then.  This was her last day in New York.  Bob came again to see her for the last time.

The moment of farewell has come.
Bob is disappearing into the crowded street, waving his hand.
Don't look back anymore
Or I expect you to come back.


I won't forget, I will never forget
Bob of today and old Bob.


I couldn't ask if I could see him again.
I'm afraid the answer.


"Maria will always live in my mind," he said.
That's enough.
I will remember your words when the time comes.


My soul-shaking dearest precious journey was over.

Poem Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Time

April 10

The morning sunlight
Nodded

Four girls were
Crisscrossing in the hotel room
To the right and to the left
To getting ready for breakfast in the room.

Salad Bowl
Turkey sandwich.
Mexican Soup
Cereal
We shared.

Naoko Camerawoman is busy
setting up the camera and clearing up the room,
Which signals Bob's arrival.

I lay on the bed.
I can't hold my head up for a long time.
I saw Bob's bulk at the door
Our eyes met...we smiled to each other
Greeted each other cheek to cheek.

He greeted all of us one by one.
His smoothness hasn't changed.

We talked about music.
He brought the music we colaborated.
An early rap music,
Titled
"It's hot in New York."

What? You gonna play it here?
No!  I objected, but he was so ready.

Like it or not, we ended up listening to it.
... after about 4 minutes, it ended with
"Tai-Hen (OMG), Tai-Hen(OMG)"

In the afternoon of a hot day, we got on a subway,
And we wrote the song.
It came back to me, the conversation, the place.
A studio apartment in Brooklyn
With four keyboards.
Mari was there.
A distant memory.

1:30
We went out for shopping.
Bob and Maria
Mari, Eiko and her husband.
Let's go.

D&R drugstore
99 cent store
Strawberry clothing shop

We walked together.
From 54th Street to 40 Street
Mari, Eiko and Bob pushed the wheelchair.
Thank you.

Ms Grasshopper found
A single blooming cherry tree in Central Park
The camera is rolling,
Filming the closing of the day.

The setting sun is leaning heavy
Our silhouettes join together
The time past and the time present intersected.

All by ourselves
Which path would we take to go back.

European Ladies Boutique was full of cute and gorgeous clothes.
This dress and that coat
I would have bought, if I could walk.

I'll come again tomorrow, Bob said.

Hilton NY RM 1319
Bob went out to buy sushi.

California Roll
Tuna
Egg
Squid
Miso soup
Vinegared seafood
Japanese salad

We watched the video.

Marco Island in Florida
St. Martin

Splash, sparkling
Bob's Dad and Mom smiling.
With the sweetness of ice cream in the mouth,
Tapped on the tanned back
Who's there?

Water ski
Snorkel
I'm grad that I did.
The memory remains in my feet and in my heart.

Thank you for the time remembered.

Bob saluted like a salor and
Closed the door.
I returned a smile despite myself.

Tomorrow will be the day to say goodbye.

poem by Maria Franki

edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Reunion

April 9th

Clear day.
Manhattan skyscrapers tall against the blue sky
Stand as if the sky were the limit.

We bought lunch from a street vendor
At the corner of Six Avenue and 48th Street.
A gyro with chicken and lettuce
Instead of lamb for me
Served with yogurt sauce enriched with sour cream, and
Hot peppers on top.

With the fountain sparkling behind us
We ate street food together.
We ARE in Manhattan.
Yummy.
Ms. Grasshopper said, "I wish I could take this back to Japan as a rice ball."
Yes, yes, me too.

16:00
I wait for Bob in my room in Hilton.
I fixed my makeup.
The camera is waiting, too, for
The reunion of the former husband and wife.

Behind the door, I heard
The coordinator and Ms. Grasshopper talking.
Bob must have arrived.

What can I do?
I can't run away now.
How do I greet him.
The door opened.

"Maria!"
Bob's voice
Bob's face
came up smiling.

Silence fell in the room.
Bob put his arms around me
not too firm, not too soft
Bob let a sigh out,
The kind of sigh one let out after accepting everything.

I stretched out from the wheelchair
Bob leaned forward, and we hugged each other
In silence taking in the time past.
I felt too awkward to cry.
How complicated the human emotion is!

Bob brought an old video tape,
The video of my parents' visit to U.S.

My father and my mother are laughing.
I am excited, and narrating.
Central Park and Bronx Zoo
Bob's aunts, Maryanne and Kate.

The video filled the blank of
Our history.

Dinner at
Rolf's
A German restaurant
Potato pancakes with apple sauce was
Our usual order then.

We discussed the existence of God.
It might be the first time we talk about the subject.
The god lead me to the illness and the reunion.

In the heart, he had many rooms.
There was a room, named "Maria," he said.
He would always open the door, place flowers, let in fresh air, and cared about me.
That's why we were here today
That's why we were reunited, Bob said.

The same is with me.
I have always had Bob in my heart.
I was in love with him.
I never stopped loving him.

We can't search for the future.
We won't search for the future.

Our conversation continues
In the Manhattan evening
Bob is here
I can't believe it.

We took a bus on the way back.
It's perfect public transportation for a wheelchair.
I got on in a wheelchair and got off in a wheelchair.
Fare is $2.25.

We arrived at Hilton
I started coughing.
Bob tapped my back
Gently.

J's Kan-non hands
Helped me to let go of the tension.
Joy and comfort flushed out of the core of being.

I am so relieved that
I could tell Bobby
Thank you and good bye for good and all.

poem by Maria Franki

edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Monkey Bars

April 8th

In the Hilton Hotel, NY
I hear the bustling sounds from 6th Ave.
I AM alive...
I woke up to the sensation of being alive.

Taking a shower,
Putting on makeup,
Setting my hair,
The sequence of movements is ever getting sluggish,
More so because of my unfamiliarity with the hotel room.

I had Mari do my hair and apply false eyelashes.
I can barely lift my left arm.
The progress follows wherever I am.
Between conversations I was shocked to realize.

Today I have an appointment with Dr. Mitsumoto at the Colombia University Medical Center.

We traveled up 6th Ave, and on the way to Columbus Circle.
I found it!
Trump Park Building with
Shiny brass handrails and the front stoop with three steps.
I used to live in a small studio apartment.
The doorman remembered me.
With a sense of nostalgia I shook hands with the familiar face.

Mari, Eiko, the filming crew and Maria in a wheelchair got on an A-Train from Columbus Circle and got off at 168 Street to meet Dr. Mitsumoto, Eleanor and Lou Gehrig MDA/ALS Research Center Medical Director.

We arrived at the office of Dr. Mitsumoto.
It looked like any other office.
There was something like monkey bars one would see in a playground of grade school.
I guessed it was one of the diagnostic tools for ALS.

Dr. Mitsumoto's consultation lasted more than an hour and Maria felt she could trust him.

We decided to take a bus for return trip.
We waited and waited and
Finally we saw a bus coming only to find it not in service,
Then bus after bus 5 buses not in service.
We waited anyway.

On a bus in a wheelchair.
The bus ran along the Hudson River
Like a sightseeing bus.
Trees were changing their outfit from winter to spring.
Green sprinkled over white.

That night, some of her former colleagues in New York got together for dinner at a restaurant at Hilton.

At night, I had the massage again.
It's addicting.
Kan-non hands
Massaging the front of my body tonight
Led me into a deep sleep.

I dreamed about playing with monkey bars in a playground of grade school.

poem by Maria Franki

edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Kan-non Hands

April 7th

I heard the scrape of a key in a lock.
KP is the first one to come in the morning.
To give me a lovely hug
In time for DL 172

Ms Grasshopper
Naoko Camerawoman, and
Mari got together.
The medical instruction for emergency is at hand.
We are taking off from Azabu Juban.

The filming van ran,
Carrying us down memory lane to New York
As if a time machine.

In the car
Three eclairs and four of us
Rock, Paper,  Scissors
Whose hands will be empty?

NARITA Airport
Gate 22
Seat 10A
I looked at the distant sky.
I am going to see who I was.

The conversation we had on 19 of February has become a reality
After many twists and turns.
Mari and I toasted with champagne
I cried with joy.

From the diagonally backward
A camera is rolling
Naoko Camerawoman is doing her job.
It rolls when I cry, it rolls when I yawn,
Filming the reality of
My life.

Delta staff were kind.
Karen, Mr. Koizumi, Thank you.

Arrival at JFK.
I've finally made it.

Eiko, who works for Delta,
J. and J's friend Go;
Three welcomed us at the airport.
Scooped up like a princess
I was placed on a minivan.
The smell of New York.

Manhattan
Gray sky
Murry Hills, Fifth Avenue
I know it all, the shop on the corner.
It bring back memories.
" I can live in this city from today."

Hilton Hotel
A wheelchair accessible room,
They call a deluxe suite.
Well, it's smaller than expected.

Ms. Nynk rushed over to the hotel.
We hugged each other.
Big sister Ms. Nynk.
It brought a tear to my eye.
I wish I could see her in health.

Chinese takeout for dinner.
Paper plates and paper cups.
We ate together in Manhattan style.

Sesame chicken
Hot and Sour
Sauteed Chinese Cabbage
Fried Rice

J. gave me the superb gift.
Massage therapy
With Ki infusion.
Maria lay on the bed.

Hands of Kan-non
brought me to the heaven in 5 minutes.
I said I felt like a heavenly dragonfly,
And others made a fuss about it,  saying I misused the words.
Even in New York I get it wrong.

I feel sooo good
Hands of J.
Hands of Kan-non.

I am in Manhattan
First time after 12 years.

From afar I came all the way.
It took me 12 years to be here.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Packing for NYC

April 6th

It is still before 6 o'clock.
I woke up.
I pulled PJ in search of the comfortable body position to sleep.

Refusing to move, my body is getting closer to total immobility.
The illness creeps on, everyday it afflicts.
I want to sleep on my right side.
If I had handrails, I could use my hands to lift my body.

The new bed will be delivered on 14th.
This time it will be a single bed.
With no relevance, I am single,

12:15
Naoko ma came
With Tenpura Rice Bowl.
Itadakimasu.

12:30
Ms. Grasshopper
Mari came to discuss
The arrangement for tomorrow and after.

Wheelchair is a challenge as expected.
I can't take a cab.
We looked for a minivan from Japan.
The elevator is out of order in the NY subway.
It's not reliable.
Japan is impressive.

Manhattan
I will be leaving for
First time in 10 years
I'm sure it has changed.

I will visit my old office in NY.
I will see my ex-husband again.
It's strange.
We separated but
Our hearts have been together.

I have difficulty in breathing sometime.
I don't have much time left.
The fate brought us together ...
And the fate must separate us.
The day will come.
You and me alone.

Packing for the trip,
The minimum clothes and personal items.
I don't need much.
Mari coordinated clothes for me.
Thank you.

Tomorrow we get together here at 10:30
Naoko Camerawoman
Ms. Grasshopper
Mari
Thanks in advance.

I'm taking off from blogging for a while.
I'll be back on 13th.

See you again, here.

poem by Maria Franki

edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

A Petal of Cherry Blossom

April 5th

Days fly and fall
Fast, fast
Only on the surface, rustling
Time is rising,(Le vent se lève !... Il faut tenter de vivre !）
Without leaving anything behind.

10:00
Good bye
The stationary camera
Ms. Grasshopper removed it.

Bread
Freshly baked, excellent.
Yogurt topped with blueberry
With Earl Gray tea.

10:30
The caseworker, Mr. Kikuchi
Discussed the cost of assisted living, the handicapped, and disability,
Severely talked about the amount of money.
Income & Disability
How could I make ends meet.

I got Ms. Moriwaki to assist me to take a shower.
Fresh and clean.
I got her to dry me up, dress me up
Like a big baby.

KP came.
We went to Sanuki Kaikan to see
Three cherry trees
The sky of the courtyard was blue.
Its graciousness
Does not need a witness.

Evening
It's more delicious when sharing with KP
Dried Kinmedai fish
Sashimi was good but dried one is as good.
My maidenly heart was ready to break.
I wish time would flow this way forever.
I mean it.

I'm full.
My heart is full.
Watching the news, I lay down
Next to the happiness
Relishing.

To snore is good.
To yawn is good.
Fast asleep to build the spirit.

In front of Sanuki Kaikan Building
I got a call from Bob.

German Restaurant, Heidelberg
The Brooklyn Museum,
We track back the past and walk into the future
We were ex-husband and ex-wife.
We were closing the book on us finally ... I will tell him.

KP
The humidifier is running
With steam.
Thank you for setting it always.

When you leave ... I am sad.
I'm sleeping, enveloped by steam.

A solitary petal falls.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J.Ujiie

©2011

One in One Hundred Thousands

April 4

A stationary camera, installed yesterday, is
Looking at me, from beside the fridge.
I forgot it was there and ate three pieces of manju cake.

I felt a weired craving.
Alone in the bed, a woman eats manju cakes
Alone late at night.
It's a little comical.

The camera is filming "Maria, by herself."
It's staring at me
Even after I turned off the light, and fell asleep,
It keeps on filming the Maria even I have never seen,
The utmost privacy.

7:00
In the middle of deep sleep,
The bathroom helper came.
Sleepy but I can't do without a series of movement.
I try not to wake up fully
To go back to sleep again.

Second invitation to sleep
From the center of the brain, drowsiness spread.

9:00
The phone rang
The nurse call schedule has changed.
The sound of incoming mail.
I need to sleep, I need to sleep.

Every 2 hours, my mind wake up
Like a mother nursing a baby.
I have to adjust my gear for house calls.

12:40
Naoko ma came to have lunch together.
At the end of May, I'll be unemployed.
I am sad.
I wish I were not sick.
One in one hundred thousands,
And I am unemployed.

16:00
KP
Set up the humidifier
Set up the kettle.
Thank you.
16:00

You are going out for business dinner.
Don't drink too much.
Tomorrow, we will have a date to see cherry blossoms.
I am so happy.
I am very happy.

16:40
Rehabilitation.
It feels good.
Paradise twice a week.

22:30
Ms.Grasshopper and Naoko Camerawoman
Came and go.
Take care.

I'd better go to sleep early tonight.
I'm too tired.
I sleep quietly when nobody comes.

Tomorrow is another day,
No more stationary camera.
The old saying goes.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and Translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Mr. Torigoe

April 3rd

Maria was invited to meet a newscaster she admired.  With her niece, Yuka, she went to the broadcasting studio to meet Mr. Torigoe.  She was very excited.

My spirit has been high since early in the morning.
I'm going to see Mr. Torikoshi, I have been an admirer of.
I took a long shower with no particular reason.
Then ... it's 8 am yet.


I carefully applied makeup,
Put on rouge and penciled my eyebrows.
My mind crisp.
Cool.

poem by Maria Franki

edited and translated by J. Ujiie

On a Dot in the Universe

April 2nd

The Saturday flowed by.
5 visits of home care provider a day.
Loss of my rhythm of living is
One of the reasons of lack of sleep.
The other reason is not being able to roll over.
Only after an hour of sleep
I wake up every time to
Find myself in the same position before I fell asleep.
I am dead weight.
I wish I could roll over and over...

Chained to the dead weight, I hold the fabric of PJ and tried to pull my leg up.
I pulled and pulled and the leg wouldn't move.
I gave up.
I settled with moving one leg, and fell back into sleep.
The other leg had to live with it.
In a strange pose...

Ms. Grasshopper came
With the medical reports to take to the Colombia Medical School,
Adding this and that to be sure.
It brought my helplessness to home
Not to be able to do such small task.
Miserable I felt.

Dr. Okabe came for house call.
I get always encouraged to believe in
The miracle to "stay alive.'
It's not a medical art, rather a healing art.
The fate has brought him to me.

Tomorrow I will start to take Rilutek.
Rilutek manufactured by Sanofi Aventis
They split one pill into two for Japanese patient.

Why one not two?  I feel two would work much better.
Well, I'll take two from tomorrow.
I won't give up.

19:00
Yuka came
We were together for dinner.
Fried fish patty from Niigata with
A fluffy and elastic texture, delicious
Pared with sparkling wine.
A toast to celebrate this day.

I don't hesitate to ask Yuka for help.
Thank you, Yuka.
She catches my intent in the heart,
Sets me free from stress,
And it brought me to near tears
I held back.

You have grown up before I knew it.
You might be much maturer than I am.
We share the same sense of humor.
I want to laugh together longer.
I wish I could stay alive longer.

The time flowed easily this Saturday.
The shower 5 meter away
Is as far as I could go to.
I live on a dot in the vast universe.
A dot this Saturday also is.

Poem by Maria Franki

edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Then and Now

April 1st

Recently I don't sleep very well
Because of the new schedule
I need to adjust myself to.

Ms. Moriwaki came to assist
A shower
I can't take by myself anymore.
Held and placed on a shower chair.
Yet I can wash my hair by myself,
Enveloped with the scent of strawberry.

Tootsie and the camera man came
And Mari came.

A fusion of Mari's skill and my taste.
Teased hair
trussed and held with wax in a wild style.
Little by little
Who I was before the illness reemerges.

A tight mini skirt and high heels
If I put on and walked,
I would be who I was.
To walk around Azabu Juban
Was just a dream.

I visited the office first time in a while.
I hugged Sam and Lora.
I went to my desk
The vestige of Me
Was still visible on my desk.

It was Ryan's last day.
The entire staff came together.
Wonderful faces, smiles, the wonderful office.

I have lost my voice to the illness,
Which makes me silent.
What I am now is who I am.
The time of departure is coming.

The illness makes me feel lonely all the time.
Am I defeated?

Love
Is enough for me
To live for.
I fear not even death
If I have love.

About this time last year
We enjoyed dating all the time.
Yokohama, Kamakura, Nagoya, and Osaka
I could go anywhere
On my feet, on your feet
Always together.

I would like to view cherry blossoms, to take my time to admire them.
Petals falling from the tree, without words,
Silently, I want to watch.

Kawazu cherry blossoms
In deep pink
In full heavy bloom.
We walked to find the one you loved.
It was the beginning of our last year.

Kinmedai fish
We got on the bullet train to taste fresh kinmedai
And I've learned the delights of eating fish.
I've learned the delights of happiness.

Past 9 o'clock
To the ramen noodle shop in the neighborhood
Went out with K.P.
Sake and chilled sliced tomatoes for K.P.
Ramen noodle for Maria.

I promised to be good.
The promise is to keep,
Not to cry wolf.

As my life does not allow do-over
My promise does not allow do-over.
I live on the edge.

The last lover.
I will not find another love
At the eleventh hour.

poem by Maria Franki

edited and translated by J.Ujiie

©2011

April

Some wanted to grant Maria's wish to visit New York one last time.  Others were not comfortable with the idea of her taking a 14 hour flight across the Pacific ocean.

Behind the scene, Maria & Co. were getting down to the logistics.  In February when the trip was planned, while Maria was in a wheelchair she could hold herself up.  Now it was a different story.  Again, nobody expected her symptoms to progress this fast.

On New York side, several of her former colleagues were contacted and waiting for Maria.  The New York support team didn't have a practical idea how much assistance she would need.  At this point, Maria rarely responded to individual e-mail and the communication was in large part relayed through a couple of mutual friends.

Her schedule was mostly "tentative."  For the those who knew Maria working in the fast paced NYC, it was rather frustrating.

The following is an excerpt of an e-mail message from Maria dated April 2nd.

I'm leaving Japan on 7th for New York.
The day is coming closer.
I first thought I could never make it, but thanks to the support of friends I've made this far.
I can't do what I used do by myself, and it's frustrating and heart-wrenching.
It is also stressful I couldn't do it in my own way.
It makes me wonder how I should put this and how I could accept this.
It almost extends into philosophical questions.

Maria had an appointment with a ALS specialist at the Columia University Hospital.  She would spend a couple of days with Bob.  She would re-visit her old office in NYC.  Some of her former colleagues would have a get together with her. That was the whole agenda of her trip.  Everything else was tentative.

She wanted to go to see a Broadway musical.  She wanted to go to the City Hall to ask the officials about the healthcare system in New York.  She wanted to interview elected officials of NYC.  All were "tentative" and we would learn the reason later.

by J. Ujiie

©2011