Day 14 in Hospital

May 27th


05:00
I didn’t expect
This much of brightness at
This early time of morning,
Good Morning, the brand new Sun!


Last night, nobody came to wake me up.
It was a precious night.
These days, the oxygen level in blood decreases
While sleeping sometimes to 72.
Threshold of stormy night.


At the threshold,
They wake me up
And put me on oxygen
I’m not suffering.
Only the oxygen level tells the suffering I’m not aware of.


Last night, I was allowed to have peaceful rest,
Except for one roll over to change positions.
I’m getting good at sleeping.
Yay!


Porridge for breakfast
Miso soup with Daikon Radish
Egg and green peas
Cabbage
Morinaga milk


Music from community morning exercise,
Subway Trains running busy,
Traffic lights changing,
Radio Calisthenics Exercise No.1 was
My forte


Brush teeth
Take meds
Attending physician shows up
Hands and arms rehabilitation
MSW came to discuss nursing facilities.
And that was my morning.


Lunch Hour
My Sister Kimi and My friend J came
With a chocolate crescent roll.
It’s my favorite.


Naoko stopped by a little later
With forms for me to sign
Another farewell to say
At the end of May
Good bye ACCJ, my last work.


Noninvasive Positive Pressure Ventilator
Dr. Sunagawa
Gave me just the right instruction.
I tried it on with pressure level 10 for an hour,
Smooth breathing out and in
Allowed me to expect more time to live.


Rehabilitation of legs.
Ikegami Sensei
Her knees and my knees met
My thighbone directly stacked on my leg bone, making it one long leg bone.
And I could stand up.
I COULD stand up, with sweat and tears.


MSW Ono san came again.
She really cares
I can feel.
My illness allows me to feel the heart of people.


Mari came
With her home-made croquette and cucumber pickles.
Thank you Mari all the time.


Dinner Time.
Karaage chicken
J bought and
Negi Miso
Sis Kimi made
Transformed the tasteless hospital food into everyday family dinner.


After dinner
Alone with J
With hands of Quan Ying
Received massage of
Bones
Muscles
And …Heart.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie
©2011

Day 12 in Hospital

May 25th


10:00 in the morning
J came
In a purple T-shirt


Today is the day to take a shower
From 10:30-11:00 
30 minutes
Sharp


Immobile,
Having myself undressed
By rolling over
This way, that way, this way, and again


Upsy-daisy
It takes two nurses to
Move me from bed on to a shower gurney,
Rolling me over


Constrained by space,
Move the chair out
Move the overbed table
7 minutes has elapsed already


Quick! Hurry!
To the shower room.
Adjust temperature and adjust water pressure
Shampoo and rinse away, shampoo and rinse away
Hair conditioner is strawberry scented.


Washcloth soupy and lathery；
The shower bed shape of canoe；
My lying body enclosed by four walls,


I wanted to wash out
Slimy residue of soap and hair conditioner
To feel squeaky-clean and fresh,
Only to knock against the walls of canoe.
Ever cloudy water
Never runs clean
I learned what being out of my power meant
Just by taking a shower
All by taking a shower


From undressing to
Returning home to the bed in the hospital room,
The routine goes
On the shower day in hospital in
30 minutes sharp.


The Attending Physician told me to
Call a family meeting.
Today is the day.


Sis Kimi
Sis Kyoko
Together they came.


The counseling room
They alone were called in
What? Without me?
It shouldn’t be
Without me.


After 10 minutes
I was called in
To confirm.


Tracheotomy
Mechanical ventilation
You opt out, don’t you?
In the presence of Sisters,
Yes
I confirmed.


Around the clock
Monitoring you will need.
Yes
I confirmed.


Less hospitals and facilities
I can chose from.
Healthcare situation
In Japan.
A medically displaced person I become.


NIPV.
Noninvasive Positive Pressure Ventilation.
Trial fitting.
It facilitates my breathing
A machine that assists life.


From J. in the purple T-shirt
Qi flows in
Thinly breathing me,
Concentrated qi flows in.
I felt like talking about my soul.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Day 11 in Hospital

May 24th


Bleak rain
The gray sky


J came from NYC
With her short
Spiky shiny hair
In a low-cut black T-shirt
Brought an air of NY


I thought she would never
Have her waist long hair cut.
I wonder how many years have past since then.


Hugged in her arms
The distance melted
between NY and here
My path and hers converged.


My drooping feet,
right and left, squeezed and kneaded
I remember the touch of
Hands of Kan-non,
Hands that heal.


Kneaded
Squeezed
With eyes closed
I am in Nirvana, where
A dragonfly flies.


Mari came
With scrambled eggs she made
Three of us together
Just as we were in the lunchroom in NYC.


In youth
The promise of a shining future lied ahead
Death hath not so ghastly a face at a distance,
As it hath at hand.


Hands of Kan-non
Over the hillsides of legs that couldn’t walk
Glided
Lulled me to sleep
Like a baby.


“I am afraid to die.”
The emotion I’d contained so far
Overflowed in the presence of J.


In the place of between, where time does not exist
My beloved cat, Lucky
Is waiting for me.
A green stream, a breeze caresses my cheeks.


My heart is released
Feeling love and reflecting on love
I will be reunited with you.
Flowers bloom with joy
Butterflies dance.


Hands of Quan Yin
Lead me to satori


A butterfly never fails to emerge from a chrysalis
Immobile me and
An immobile chrysalis


From outside
You can’t tell
Inside the chrysalis
Metamorphosis is going on


To take wings
Working hard
Day by day.

Poem by Maria Flanki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie
©2011

Day 10 in Hospital

May 23rd


07:00 AM
Drawing blood,
An expert nurse
Missed the vein on
My left arm.


I knew it
From my experience.
There is a chemistry
Even in drawing blood.


Between a patient and a nurse;
A body and medicine;
Drinks and nibbles；
Sea Anemone and clownfish；
A man and a woman；
It takes two to tango.


The chief nurse happened to
stop by and took
a look at my right arm.
I see the vein, she said.
Can you do it? I asked.


Ready for a prick? she said.
It stung.
She got it right.
I knew it.
It was how the Monday morning
Started.


Videofluorography
Was scheduled for tomorrow.
Dr. Sunagawa came to explain the procedure.
I see…
They will take video of movement of my throat
As I swallow solid food.


Without waiting for the result of the test yet to start
To discuss the state of disease and what to expect
Dr. Saito called on.


Four physicians standing at my bedside.
The chief physician looked at me and
Asked,
Mechanical ventilation
Do you chose to be on?


A grave decision to make.
With the machine,
The air flows
And I will live.


Without the machine
As the respiratory muscles waste away,
My breath fades away
To die.


On or off
Time to decide.


In either way
Life is precious to live.


With mechanical ventilation
I will live on
without the ability to speak
without the ability to eat.


Immobile,
I won’t be able to ward off a fly.
To Scratch my head.
To blow my nose when I have a cold.


I will lose my autonomy,
Of even a single tiniest movement,
Staring at the ceiling
I live on to the end of my life.


Without mechanical ventilation
Staring the death in the face,
Until being called to heaven,
I will be able to kind of talk
I will be able to kind of eat
Till my breathing stops.
It’s a short life to live.


Which way is better life to live?
There is no single right choice.
I didn’t expect my life would be either-or.


I asked Dr. Chief Physician.


Without Mechanical Ventilation,
How long my muscles of respiration
Would keep on working?


“Less than one year… at most.”
“Most likely half a year… six months.”


On Christmas day this year.
I will not be.


Dr. wrote something down
On the pad of paper
“NO Mechanical Ventilation”
I guessed.
As I have chosen the life without it.


It was how
The Monday
Ended.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie
©2011

Day 9 in Hospital

May 22nd


Pressing a nurse call button
marks the beginning of a day.


A portable toilet
I use these days
Comes in handy
Requires one less step
To move my body


From bed straight to the toilet
Without getting on the wheelchair.


Near or far, small or large
Any movement is assisted by
Hands of others.
And yet
It taxes my ever waning strength.


With my arms around your shoulders
I hang and hold on to you.
That’s what I do,
All what I can do.


For the weakened trunk
The head is too heavy to support.
The chest weighs down on
The heart and lungs and
I break out in cold sweat
Screaming.


What was I thinking?
I can’t go to restaurants anymore.
Silly me.
I can count places I can’t go
To see a movie
To class
To the places of everyday life.


Mari came with her home-made pickles.
Cucumbers and carrots.
Taste of home reminded me of
An ordinary, everyday life.


While eating dinner
I had a fit of cough with
A dry piece of white fish caught in my throat.


Immediately I used a nebulizer.
I’m getting better at navigating between life and death.
It’s all about timing.
Pronto!


Two hours has past.
Slowly
Very slowly
The storm of wet cough has
Died down.


Hoping two more puffs via the nebulizer
Would chase away another sleepless night
By keeping the airway open.
No more wheezing
A quiet hospital room
Only echoes of a groan
I made, alone.


I wonder
how my condition will change.


Progression or transformation?
Little by little

Something is changing

Inside.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and Translated by J.Ujiie

©2011

Day 8 in Hospital

May 21st


On Saturday
The hospital takes a day off;
The time seems to stroll.


Body weight
39.6Kg
I weighed 40.4Kg two days ago.
In two days; less 0.8 Kg
I’m shrinking.


A sturdy plastic sling was
Spread on the bed.
A nurse rolled me over on it.
I was hoisted up
In the air, suspended in limbo.


46 Kg
In January this year.
52 Kg
Around this time last year.


“My weight has reached the Big 60 before I do.”
I joked and laughed in 2009.
A round fleshy face like a perfectly healthy child
I can’t find her anywhere anymore.


I shrink and shrink,
Shrink all the way
Till I burn out
to become a star.


Dinner
Rice congee
Onion soup
White fish sauteed with butter, grilled tomato on the side
Lemon
Mashed potato Japanese style
Greens dressed in a sesame sauce


Shrinking, I
Ate
by myself on bed.
Tasteless and
Joyless.


In the Hospital on Saturday
Alone I watched as time goes by.
The Tokyo Tower lit up in blue.
Feeling blue,
I choose to slip into a sweet dream.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J.Ujiie

Day 7 in Hospital

May 21st


Sayaka came
During her lunch break
With Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream
One for me, one for her.


Sweet radiance fills the room
Her short hair
Smell of the beginning of summer


Two of us, girls talk.
Talk- talk
Our May and December friendship
Never runs short of what to talk about.


Life is unpredictable
Sometimes high
Sometimes low


With winning smile
Girls move on.
We've got guts
And girls get to talk


2 o'clock in the afternoon
Suddenly I felt a warning sign in the throat.
Not now … not now


Matsumoto Producer knocked the door
With a bag full of goodies and a big open smile
Just as she did after the Earthquake.


She rushed over and filled the fridge with sweets, fruits and yogurt.
She was the life saver of my shaken soul that night.


Today, she again brought her healing smile to me.
She is so easy to talk to.


Then, a fit of cough cut into the hospital room
I can't say what I really want to tell.
I can't ask what I really want to know.


On the final take
I wonder if I could say properly
My Goodbyes.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J.Ujiie

Day 6 in Hospital

In crown of my head
Dull pain resides

Yes
Since last night
Lung function test
Has been going on.

Entangled by cords
My body lies
With oxygen in nostrils.

Too much oxygen
Too much carbon dioxide
Either in blood
Could cause the headache.

Drawing blood from a vein
Drawing blood from an artery
To check blood oxygen level and
Carbon dioxide level.

On my inner thigh,
Dr. Sunagawa
Was feeling for an artery

Where pulses are felt
An artery is beneath.

Feeling the throbbing under his finger,
He went for it.
The blood flows fast through an artery

“The early summer rains gathering into swift flows, Mogami River.”
As Basho says.
It was surprisingly quick.

Dr. Sunagawa
Attaboy
Thank you very much.

11 AM
From the Office of Health and Welfare of Minato-ku municipal government
Mr. Shintani came
To Review my condition
To upgrade from class 4 to class 5 disability.
Serious interview with a warm smile.

The hospital has given its seal of approval
That I am in need of 24 hr care.
As likely as not
I will be certified as class 5, the highest grade.

To be honest,
While necessary
I don’t wish to
Be in need of care.

All work and no play makes jack a dull boy.
I wish I could earn my bread
by the sweat of my brow.

Longing for Sunday
Obon Holiday
A New Year Holiday
I wish I could be feeling busy.
I wish I could be having fun.

Around this time last year
At Niwano Hotel
Eggplants from Kumamoto I had
Were sweet.

Around this time last year
I was taking classes to learn politics.
I devoted myself
To reinvent Japan.
I meant it, seriously.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

Day 5 in Hospital

Azabu Juban, my domicile of choice,
MAMA had chosen to leave for the life
On the Lake Biwa.


MAMA came.
She looked younger
In navy blue suits
With her shoulder bag.
40 years of managing an exclusive hostess club
In Ginza as mama-san surely
Has given her a presence.


A chance encounter led to 30 years of our friendship
Never too close, never too far.


Looking for a pet friendly apartment,
To Meguro
To Ebisu
We walked miles and miles.


A super exclusive traditional ryoutei,
In undercover mission
As a kimono-clad waitress
Just like an espionage novel.


Even an Arab tycoon
Was a human being.


We walked with her Chihuahua, Pal
Across the Rainbow Bridge.
You gave me a gift of numerous memories
I will never let go of.


Light was turned off
With red and yellow cords
Twining around my body
Pulmonary function test
(Spirometry)


While asleep
Blood oxygen level dropped
To 86%
I was put on oxygen.


In the nostrils
I felt a soft breeze
Oxygen?
It was odorless.


White coat
Came in sight
Is it a sleeve of …


I slipped into a deep valley of
Dream of
Azabu Juban
My home.


When can I
Come home
To the valley of memories
Where my heart resides?

By Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J.Ujiie

Day 4 in Hospital

Sis and my caseworker Kikuchi-san
Would meet at Osaki Station
To go and take a look at a nursing home.
Wheels have started to turn with or without me.


Naoko came
During her lunch break.
In the hospital room,
We had a lunch together just as
We always had.


Sharing a meal brought us
Laughter
Sharing laughter brought us
A joy.


Today I am a crybaby
Crying at anything
Like a young girl I once was.


Cared and loved by
Everybody,
A blessed life I have.


Calls and messages
I got from you.
Sorry, no talking on phone in the hospital room.
I wish I could talk
To you all in the Earthquake stricken area.


I wish I were well and
I could be there with you
To walk side by side
To witness the rebirth of Minami Sanriku, Japan.
My heart aches for.


Who do you want to be
When you reincarnate
Again?
A simple but
difficult question.


Kochi-Rumi-Mari-Yuri-Naoko
Thank you for the wheel of mail.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

Day 3 in Hospital

An IV Needle
In my arm
With a bag of formulas left hanging in air for tomorrow
Only the needle remains, disconnected.


Tingling and numbing sensation
Constantly reminds me to
Keep my arm straight.


Dr. Sunagawa, I beg you to
Remove it
It aches and hurts.


I finish up all the meal and
You take the needle out.
Quid pro quo
Right on!


I went for it to eat up
Soft cooked rice
Clear soup
Almond crusted spanish mackerel
With red leaf lettuce
Turnip with deep-fried bean curd


My caseworker Kikuchi-san
Came to discuss with my family
Placement in care facilities.
My destination could be
A small room in a nursing home
On the edge of nowhere
Where a Requiem plays.


I was transferred
From the ward on 5th floor to the 7th floor.


Through the window I could see
The Tokyo Tower
Toranomon Mori Building No.37
Hotel Okura
Buildings subject to screening for budget cut.


The view from the window
Enticed me to ponder on
Stock market
Global economy
Hang in there, Japan!


For one test after another
Had blood drawn from a vein
My arm is covered with bandages.
Chest and Abdominal X-Ray taken.


Meeting between the chief physician and my family
Suggests the ever seriousness of my condition


The light of the Tokyo Tower was turned off
The star I will become someday
I can’t see tonight.

Poem by Maria franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

Day 2 in Hospital

In a plastic bag
Moist warmth of caring
Here is the toiletry kit for you
I heard the nurse.


With moist gauze
I wiped my
Forehead
Neck and
Cheeks.


I wiped around my eyes
And woke up fully to hear
A door bang
Siren wail
Gurneys roll
Shallow breath, short breath, rapid breath.


My heart on an EKG
Since last night
Monitored once,
Twice and many more times.
My pulse pounding.


My heartbeat speaks for
My voiceless body.
What do you want to tell me?
Listening hard to the whisper of heart
I couldn’t hear the words.


In the Afternoon
Mother and
My two sisters came.


Mom
In tears


I
Am
Sorry.
I wish I could heal myself.
I wish I were not beaten down like this.


With the right hand spared for now,
I stroked my mother.
Mom stroked my immobilized legs
Over and over.


In the same way
She stroked me when I was a child
Either when I got a 33 or a 5 on an exam
She stroked me gently
With the same hands.


Inari sushi and Tamagoyaki eggs
My sister made
So delish for
Our picnic in the hospital room.


The glow of the sunset,
The melody of a children’s song
Playing in the evening air
Signaled the end of our picnic.


Left by myself
On bed
Sweaty
I was made aware again
That I would not walk again, ever.


Poem by Maria Franki
Edited and translatec by J. Ujiie

Ambulance

A morning shower I take a delight in
I didn’t take this morning.
With the heart pounding too fast
I felt tightness
In the chest.


My heart is pounding.
My breath is short.
Pounding that could be foretelling
Weakening of respiratory muscles.


It could be just
A side effect of medications
I hope
I wish.


When chest wall muscles fail and
The diaphragm fails to move
Up and down,
Breathing stops.


An asthma attack or
Weakening of muscles?
Flying low with both wings impaired
I am going down
Flying out of control.


Dr. Okabe came.
My sister pressed,
“Give her a drip.”
Dr. Okabe said,
“I’ll be back with it.”


To provide nourishment to me,
Who couldn’t eat, Dr. Okabe
Shuttled back and forth and
Made triple house calls.
An IV needle was inserted in my arm
Gently nutritional formulas flowed in
Infused with life force.


Drip drip goes the IV fluid
Looking up I saw the blue sky
I long for the blue sky.


The IV was removed
Recurring attack of asthma
Relentless
My suffering ever worsening.


For emergency hospitalization, an ambulance was called.
New development
Change of clothes, towels and a toiletry kit
Were packed in a bag.


With the familiar wailing of
An ambulance siren
EMTs opened the door.


The siren wailed through the night sky
I’m on an ambulance
The gurney rattled to
ER
The clock on the ambulance said 20:40


I V Steroid
Oxygen administration
EKG Monitor
Chest X-Ray
Drawing blood from a vein
Drawing blood from an artery at the top of the thigh.


At midnight, the ER was brightly lit.
I would never have known.
My Immobile body was resigned
To the brightness of surgical lights.


I was Moved From ER treatment room to
Co-ed ICU.
Some Groaning
Others Snoring
All kinds of patients


As I became one of the “all kinds”
A long night began.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie