The documentary, Maria's New York, will be aired in Japan on Oct 30, 2011.
We loved you, Maria.
Rest in Peace.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Saturday, October 1, 2011
October
In October last year, Maria needed a cane to walk with. She still didn't know she would not see leaves change colors this year.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
September
In September last year, Maria started experiencing twitching of muscles in left extremities and having difficulty in walking in general.
She didn't have the slightest idea that she wouldn't see the next September.
Symptoms
http://www.alsa.org/about-als/symptoms.html
Initial Symptoms of the Disease
At the onset of ALS the symptoms may be so slight that they are frequently overlooked. With regard to the appearance of symptoms and the progression of the illness, the course of the disease may include the following:
The initial symptoms of ALS can be quite varied in different people. One person may experience tripping over carpet edges, another person may have trouble lifting and a third person's early symptom may be slurred speech. The rate at which ALS progresses can be quite variable from one person to another. Although the mean survival time with ALS is three to five years, many people live five, ten or more years. In a small number of people, ALS is known to remit or halt its progression, though there is no scientific understanding as to how and why this happens. Symptoms can begin in the muscles of speech, swallowing or in the hands, arms, legs or feet. Not all people with ALS experience the same symptoms or the same sequences or patterns of progression. But, progressive muscle weakness and paralysis are universally experienced.
Muscle weakness is a hallmark initial sign in ALS, occurring in approximately 60% of patients. Early symptoms vary with each individual, but usually include tripping, dropping things, abnormal fatigue of the arms and/or legs, slurred speech, muscle cramps and twitches and/or uncontrollable periods of laughing or crying.
The hands and feet may be affected first, causing difficulty in lifting, walking or using the hands for the activities of daily living such as dressing, washing and buttoning clothes.
As the weakening and paralysis continue to spread to the muscles of the trunk of the body the disease, eventually affects speech, swallowing, chewing and breathing. When the breathing muscles become affected, ultimately, the patient will need permanent ventilatory support in order to survive.
Since ALS attacks only motor neurons, the sense of sight, touch, hearing, taste and smell are not affected. For many people, muscles of the eyes and bladder are generally not affected.
Source: ALS Association
She didn't have the slightest idea that she wouldn't see the next September.
Symptoms
http://www.alsa.org/about-als/symptoms.html
Initial Symptoms of the Disease
At the onset of ALS the symptoms may be so slight that they are frequently overlooked. With regard to the appearance of symptoms and the progression of the illness, the course of the disease may include the following:
- muscle weakness in one or more of the following: hands, arms, legs or the muscles of speech,
- swallowing or breathing
- twitching (fasciculation) and cramping of muscles, especially those in the hands and feet
- impairment of the use of the arms and legs
- "thick speech" and difficulty in projecting the voice
- in more advanced stages, shortness of breath, difficulty in breathing and swallowing
The initial symptoms of ALS can be quite varied in different people. One person may experience tripping over carpet edges, another person may have trouble lifting and a third person's early symptom may be slurred speech. The rate at which ALS progresses can be quite variable from one person to another. Although the mean survival time with ALS is three to five years, many people live five, ten or more years. In a small number of people, ALS is known to remit or halt its progression, though there is no scientific understanding as to how and why this happens. Symptoms can begin in the muscles of speech, swallowing or in the hands, arms, legs or feet. Not all people with ALS experience the same symptoms or the same sequences or patterns of progression. But, progressive muscle weakness and paralysis are universally experienced.
Muscle weakness is a hallmark initial sign in ALS, occurring in approximately 60% of patients. Early symptoms vary with each individual, but usually include tripping, dropping things, abnormal fatigue of the arms and/or legs, slurred speech, muscle cramps and twitches and/or uncontrollable periods of laughing or crying.
The hands and feet may be affected first, causing difficulty in lifting, walking or using the hands for the activities of daily living such as dressing, washing and buttoning clothes.
As the weakening and paralysis continue to spread to the muscles of the trunk of the body the disease, eventually affects speech, swallowing, chewing and breathing. When the breathing muscles become affected, ultimately, the patient will need permanent ventilatory support in order to survive.
Since ALS attacks only motor neurons, the sense of sight, touch, hearing, taste and smell are not affected. For many people, muscles of the eyes and bladder are generally not affected.
Source: ALS Association
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
The Last August
About this time last year, Maria was having a difficulty to support herself with the left leg while climbing up and down stairs.
Monday, August 15, 2011
A Wonderful Poet
The following is a transcript of Mari's speech at the funeral service.
皆さんは、まりあさんのブログを読んでいらっしゃいましたでしょうか？
私は昨晩、もう一度1月から始まった彼女のブログを読んで見ました。
2月28日（月） 春の雨に
２本の足で歩いてた。 ニューヨークにもドイツにもカナダにも、バハマ諸島だって行っていた。
地球を歩く、ドンドンと。
スキー、スケート、シュノーケル。何でも挑戦、元気な子。
雨がつらつらと降るきさらぎの午後。静かにそっと目を閉じた。
元気な子が笑ってる。元気な子が走ってる。
雨の音が窓を打つ、大きく、激しく。
目を開けてみると、そこにはいつもの白い天井。
元気な子はもういない。元気な子は笑えない。
この宿命、どう受け入れよう。春の雨よ、教えておくれ。
3月14日（月）
天国で同窓会をしたら、
「まりあちゃんが一番しあわせものだよ」
って、まりちゃんが言う。
こんなに皆に愛されてさって。
そうかな、そうかも、わたしの心理はぐるぐる回る。
待ってるね、このお空のまっすぐ上でね。
5月24日（火） 入院11日目
目をつぶれば。そこは極楽。トンボが舞う。
そこは時間がない場所で。
大好きだった。ネコのラッキーにも会え。
緑の小川・そよ風が頬をなでる。
放たれた心は。愛を知り、愛を思う。
会えるんだ貴方に。
喜びの花々。舞う蝶ちょ。
まりあさんのブログを読んでいると何回も何回も「ありがとう」と感謝の言葉が出てきます。
辛くて読めないとおっしゃる方もいらっしゃるのですが、よく読んでみてあげてください。溢れる才能に驚かれるはずです。
まりあさんは素晴らしい詩人でした。
このあと、献花の際、流れる音楽はまりあさんの元ご主人のボブ・フランキーさんがピアノを演奏されています。
曲はバッハとグノーの「アヴェ・マリア」
この曲を何度も何度も繰り返し聞きながら、まりあさんは旅立たれました。穏やかな穏やかな旅立ちだったそうです。
まりあちゃん、今は緑の小川の流れる、時間のない世界で猫のラッキーやお父さんに会ってますか？
心よりご冥福をお祈り申し上げます。
by Mari
Have you been following Maria's blog?
Last night I went back to read the blog she started in January.
February 28th (Mon) Spring Rain
With two legs I walked.
I went to New York, Germany, Canada and Bahamas.
I traveled all over the world.
Ski, skate, snorkel.
I tried everything
Sprightly I was.
It's raining steadily in the afternoon of February.
I closed my eyes silently.
The sprightly me is laughing.
The sprightly me is running.
The rain was beating the window pane hard and loud.
I opened my eyes to see the same white ceiling.
The sprightly me is no more.
The sprightly me can't laugh.
How I could accept this fate
Tell me, spring rain.
March 14th (Mon)
If we have a reunion in the heaven,
"Maria, you would be the happiest one."
Mari said.
Loved by everybody.
Is that so? It could be so. My feelings went round and round.
I'll be waiting, up above the sky.
May 24 (Tue) Day 11 in Hospital
In the place of between, where time does not exist
My beloved cat, Lucky
Is waiting for me.
A green stream, a breeze caresses my cheeks.
My heart is released
Feeling love and reflecting on love
I will be reunited with you.
Flowers bloom with joy
Butterflies dance.
You would notice that Maria wrote again and again "Thank You" in her blog to express her gratitude. Some say it's too painful to read, but please read closely, you will be surprised by her talent.
Maria was a brilliant poet.
Maria departed listening to Ave Maria played by her ex-husband, Bob. I was told that it was a peaceful and serene departure.
Maria, are you reunited with your beloved cat Lucky and your father in the place where a green stream flows and time does not exist?
I pray for the repose of her soul from the bottom of my heart.
by Mari
Edited and translated by J. Ujiie
皆さんは、まりあさんのブログを読んでいらっしゃいましたでしょうか？
私は昨晩、もう一度1月から始まった彼女のブログを読んで見ました。
2月28日（月） 春の雨に
２本の足で歩いてた。 ニューヨークにもドイツにもカナダにも、バハマ諸島だって行っていた。
地球を歩く、ドンドンと。
スキー、スケート、シュノーケル。何でも挑戦、元気な子。
雨がつらつらと降るきさらぎの午後。静かにそっと目を閉じた。
元気な子が笑ってる。元気な子が走ってる。
雨の音が窓を打つ、大きく、激しく。
目を開けてみると、そこにはいつもの白い天井。
元気な子はもういない。元気な子は笑えない。
この宿命、どう受け入れよう。春の雨よ、教えておくれ。
3月14日（月）
天国で同窓会をしたら、
「まりあちゃんが一番しあわせものだよ」
って、まりちゃんが言う。
こんなに皆に愛されてさって。
そうかな、そうかも、わたしの心理はぐるぐる回る。
待ってるね、このお空のまっすぐ上でね。
5月24日（火） 入院11日目
目をつぶれば。そこは極楽。トンボが舞う。
そこは時間がない場所で。
大好きだった。ネコのラッキーにも会え。
緑の小川・そよ風が頬をなでる。
放たれた心は。愛を知り、愛を思う。
会えるんだ貴方に。
喜びの花々。舞う蝶ちょ。
まりあさんのブログを読んでいると何回も何回も「ありがとう」と感謝の言葉が出てきます。
辛くて読めないとおっしゃる方もいらっしゃるのですが、よく読んでみてあげてください。溢れる才能に驚かれるはずです。
まりあさんは素晴らしい詩人でした。
このあと、献花の際、流れる音楽はまりあさんの元ご主人のボブ・フランキーさんがピアノを演奏されています。
曲はバッハとグノーの「アヴェ・マリア」
この曲を何度も何度も繰り返し聞きながら、まりあさんは旅立たれました。穏やかな穏やかな旅立ちだったそうです。
まりあちゃん、今は緑の小川の流れる、時間のない世界で猫のラッキーやお父さんに会ってますか？
心よりご冥福をお祈り申し上げます。
by Mari
Sunday, August 14, 2011
A Gift to Our Life
The following is the transcript of the speech given by Naoko (Naoko ma) at the funeral service.
私はまりあさんとは、職場で、10年前に知り合いました。毎日、毎日、顔をあわせ、笑い、時々は真剣な話をして、濃い10年を共に過ごしました。一つだけ皆様にお話したいエピソードがあります。まだそれほど親しくない時に、仕事の後、なんとなく夕飯を共にしました。その時、まりあさんの言葉で忘れられないものがあります。「尚子さん、私の事をあまり好きじゃない人がいるとするでしょ。そういう時、私、その人にNiceにするの。そうすると、その人も私にNiceになってくるから。」素敵な女性だなと思いました。この人と友達になりたいと思いました。それが始まりでした。
まりあさんと知り合えた事は、神様が私に与えてくれた人生のプレゼントです。皆様も同じ思いではないでしょうか。そして、まりあさんも、皆様と出会えた事で、素敵な人生をおくれたと感謝していると思います。ありがとうございました。
By Naoko
I met Maria for the first time at the office. Every day we saw each other. We laughed together and sometimes had a serious talk. We stood close the last ten years. I have a story to share with you. When I didn't know maria very well, we went out for dinner after work for no particular reason. I never forget what she said then. "Naoko. When I sense somebody does not like me very much, I would be nice to the person. Then eventually the person would be nice to me." I thought she was a charming woman. I wanted to be friends with her. It was the beginning.
To know Maria is a gift to my life. I believe all of you feel the same. And I also believe that Maria is grateful that she could have a wonderful life because of knowing you. Thank you so much.
By Naoko
Edited and Translated by J.Ujiie
私はまりあさんとは、職場で、10年前に知り合いました。毎日、毎日、顔をあわせ、笑い、時々は真剣な話をして、濃い10年を共に過ごしました。一つだけ皆様にお話したいエピソードがあります。まだそれほど親しくない時に、仕事の後、なんとなく夕飯を共にしました。その時、まりあさんの言葉で忘れられないものがあります。「尚子さん、私の事をあまり好きじゃない人がいるとするでしょ。そういう時、私、その人にNiceにするの。そうすると、その人も私にNiceになってくるから。」素敵な女性だなと思いました。この人と友達になりたいと思いました。それが始まりでした。
まりあさんと知り合えた事は、神様が私に与えてくれた人生のプレゼントです。皆様も同じ思いではないでしょうか。そして、まりあさんも、皆様と出会えた事で、素敵な人生をおくれたと感謝していると思います。ありがとうございました。
By Naoko
Friday, August 5, 2011
A Kiss on Her Cheek
In the afternoon of August 25th, the last day Maria was conscious, Mari could see her. The following is Mari's account.
25日の午後、まだ意識があった最後の日、私は会うことができました。病室に入って顔を覗き込むと、「おいでおいで」をします。私は顔を近づけました。「目をつむって」と私の顔を最後に動く右手で触るので、最後の挨拶をされていると思い、涙が止まりませんでした。すると、まりあさんが5分以上かかって伝えた言葉は「なんか、着いてるよ」でした。横でもらい泣きしていたお姉さんも泣き笑い。そして、最後、「バイバイまた、明日ね」というとほっぺにキスをしろとジェスチャーします。言われたとおり、チュっとすると、舌をペロリとだして、おどけました。それが、私が最後に見たまりあさんのかわいらしい表情でした。
by Mari
When I came up to Maria's bedside and looked into her face, Maria signaled me to come closer. I leaned toward her face. "Close your eyes," she said and felt my face with her barely spared right hand. Thinking she was bidding final farewell to me, I couldn't stop crying. Her sister was also crying. Maria was struggling to tell me something. After 5 minutes or so Maria finally said, "You have something on your face." That brought her sister to tears with laughter.
On leaving, I said "Bye Bye. See you tomorrow." She made a gesture to request me to give a kiss on her cheek. When I gave a farewell kiss on her cheek as told, she stuck out her tongue playfully. That was the last cute look on Maria I saw.
By Mari
edited and translated by J. Ujiie
©2011
edited and translated by J. Ujiie
©2011
25日の午後、まだ意識があった最後の日、私は会うことができました。病室に入って顔を覗き込むと、「おいでおいで」をします。私は顔を近づけました。「目をつむって」と私の顔を最後に動く右手で触るので、最後の挨拶をされていると思い、涙が止まりませんでした。すると、まりあさんが5分以上かかって伝えた言葉は「なんか、着いてるよ」でした。横でもらい泣きしていたお姉さんも泣き笑い。そして、最後、「バイバイまた、明日ね」というとほっぺにキスをしろとジェスチャーします。言われたとおり、チュっとすると、舌をペロリとだして、おどけました。それが、私が最後に見たまりあさんのかわいらしい表情でした。
by Mari
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Night Owl Sisterhood
Maria and I were both night owls. At 3 o'clock in the morning, I caught her updating the blog.
"Maria, are you still up? It's not good for your health. Go to sleep," I sent a mail. She replied immediately.
"The reason I am up is I don't have much time to live. When I am up at night, I feel I am alive.
Once I die, I will be asleep forever. YOU'd better go to bed. See you."
Tears welled up. I wanted to hear her voice and called her.
"Maria..."
"Mari?"
We both started crying.
"Good night. See you tomorrow." That is enough. We can see each other tomorrow again.
夜更かし友達
"Maria, are you still up? It's not good for your health. Go to sleep," I sent a mail. She replied immediately.
"The reason I am up is I don't have much time to live. When I am up at night, I feel I am alive.
Once I die, I will be asleep forever. YOU'd better go to bed. See you."
Tears welled up. I wanted to hear her voice and called her.
"Maria..."
"Mari?"
We both started crying.
"Good night. See you tomorrow." That is enough. We can see each other tomorrow again.
By Mari
edited and translated by J. Ujiie
©2011
夜更かし友達
まりあちゃんとは夜更かし友達。真夜中3時、彼女がブログを更新するリアルタイムに出会う。
「まりあちゃん、まだ起きてるの？夜更かし体に悪いよ。早くねてね。」とメールする。
すぐ、返信。
原文「夜更かしの理由はね。アタシ早く死んじゃうからさ、夜中起きてると生きてるって気がするから。 死んだらずっと寝ちゃうからさ。まりちゃんこそ、早く寝てね。ほいじゃ。」
鼻がツンツンしてきたけど、声聞きたくなって電話した。「まりあちゃん…」
「まりちゃん？…」
二人とも泣いちゃった。
「おやすみ。また明日ね」それだけでいい。明日もまた会えるもんね。
by Mari
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
When One's Journey Starts
One's Journey often starts before one knows it.
Around this time of the last year, Maria felt something was wrong with her trunk.
She noticed weakness in her abdominal muscles.
Please walk with Maria for this journey and feel her heart as it progresses.
by J.Ujiie
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Funeral Service (告別式）
The weather forecast said it would rain today. But it turned out to be a clear day just as it miraclously was in New York when we visited in April.
At 12:30 there already were some attendees to see Maria for the last time. Maria lay waiting for us in the chapel of Kiyose Salvation Army Hospice, with her face made up beautifully.
The news was sent out the last night. Despite of the short notice, many managed to attend the service. I recognized many familiar faces. Mieko, who lives in Hawaii, happened to be in Japan with her husband and she could see Maria. Over all, about 50 people paid their last respects.
Sent off by friends, Maria left for Tama Reien crematory. Her remain was cremated at 4:20 and her soul returned to the heaven. The cremains were young and healthy and filled the largest urn.
Then she came back to her apartment at Azabu Juban, the home sweet home of hers.
Two of Maria's sisters, Yuri, Naoko ma, Kochi, Ms Grasshopper, and I were together like a family.
We shared the stories of Maria like a family.
Her sister shared that Maria told her she was happy at the end.
"At the age of 54" ... when the minister disclosed her age, we could feel the entire attendees caught their breath in unison as if a taboo was broken.
It is nothing but a funny story in retrospect.
"OMG... Maria would be upset," Sis Kimi said.
"She was angry in the coffin," somebody else said.
"If the minister had said 'at the age of 56' by mistake, Maria would have jumped out," somebody else said and we all cried and laughed.
We left around 8:30, bidding the last farewell to Maria's apartment, where we had visited many times.
by Mari
Edited and translated by J. Ujiie
本日の天気予報は雨・・・・のはずが、4月に訪れましたＮＹの奇跡のようにまたまた
よいお天気となりました。
12時半、既にぽつぽつと早くからまりあさんに会いにいらっしゃる参列のお客様。
救世軍清瀬病院の中にあるチャペルに綺麗にお化粧されたまりあちゃんは横たわってみんなを
待っていました。
急な金曜日の夕方のお知らせにも拘らず、たくさんの方が、参列くださいました。懐かしい顔ぶれが見えました。
ハワイの美恵子さんもご夫妻で偶然の日本滞在でまりあちゃんに会えました。
集まったお客様は50名くらいでしたでしょうか。
救世軍教会式で執り行われた告別式。献花の際にはボブの演奏（ピアノ）するAVE MARIA
のＣＤが流されて、13時半から予定の14時半で終了。
皆さんに見送られて、多磨霊園へと向かい、4時半には火葬され、まりあさんの魂は天に
召されました。 骨はしっかりと若く一番大きな骨壷にぎりぎり収まりました。
そして大好きだった麻布十番のマンションへと戻りました。
二人のお姉さんたちと ゆりさん、なおこかーさん、こち、いなごちゃん、私、なんだか家族のように身内話をわいわい、それぞれのまりあちゃんのエピソード話。
まりあちゃん、最後は幸せだった〜ってお姉さんにいったそうです。
享年54歳 年は牧師さんがばらしちゃったの・・・・・
会場が全員ビクンとして、（いいの？）って空気だったのが、あとで笑い話。
「どうしよう・・・まりあに怒られる」っておねえちゃんが言うと、だれかが「お棺の中でも怒っていたね」
「年を間違えて、56歳でも言ったら、とび起きてたね」って、みんなで泣き笑いしました。
8時半ころ解散。
いっぱい通ったまりあちゃんのマンションに本当のさようならを言って、帰ってきました。
by Mari
At 12:30 there already were some attendees to see Maria for the last time. Maria lay waiting for us in the chapel of Kiyose Salvation Army Hospice, with her face made up beautifully.
The news was sent out the last night. Despite of the short notice, many managed to attend the service. I recognized many familiar faces. Mieko, who lives in Hawaii, happened to be in Japan with her husband and she could see Maria. Over all, about 50 people paid their last respects.
The service was held with the Salvation Army Church rite. While the floral tributes, Ave Maria, the music Bob recorded for her, was played. The ceremony started at 13:30 and ended at 14:30 as planned.
Sent off by friends, Maria left for Tama Reien crematory. Her remain was cremated at 4:20 and her soul returned to the heaven. The cremains were young and healthy and filled the largest urn.
Then she came back to her apartment at Azabu Juban, the home sweet home of hers.
Two of Maria's sisters, Yuri, Naoko ma, Kochi, Ms Grasshopper, and I were together like a family.
We shared the stories of Maria like a family.
Her sister shared that Maria told her she was happy at the end.
"At the age of 54" ... when the minister disclosed her age, we could feel the entire attendees caught their breath in unison as if a taboo was broken.
It is nothing but a funny story in retrospect.
"OMG... Maria would be upset," Sis Kimi said.
"She was angry in the coffin," somebody else said.
"If the minister had said 'at the age of 56' by mistake, Maria would have jumped out," somebody else said and we all cried and laughed.
We left around 8:30, bidding the last farewell to Maria's apartment, where we had visited many times.
by Mari
Edited and translated by J. Ujiie
本日の天気予報は雨・・・・のはずが、4月に訪れましたＮＹの奇跡のようにまたまた
よいお天気となりました。
12時半、既にぽつぽつと早くからまりあさんに会いにいらっしゃる参列のお客様。
救世軍清瀬病院の中にあるチャペルに綺麗にお化粧されたまりあちゃんは横たわってみんなを
待っていました。
急な金曜日の夕方のお知らせにも拘らず、たくさんの方が、参列くださいました。懐かしい顔ぶれが見えました。
ハワイの美恵子さんもご夫妻で偶然の日本滞在でまりあちゃんに会えました。
集まったお客様は50名くらいでしたでしょうか。
救世軍教会式で執り行われた告別式。献花の際にはボブの演奏（ピアノ）するAVE MARIA
のＣＤが流されて、13時半から予定の14時半で終了。
皆さんに見送られて、多磨霊園へと向かい、4時半には火葬され、まりあさんの魂は天に
召されました。 骨はしっかりと若く一番大きな骨壷にぎりぎり収まりました。
そして大好きだった麻布十番のマンションへと戻りました。
二人のお姉さんたちと ゆりさん、なおこかーさん、こち、いなごちゃん、私、なんだか家族のように身内話をわいわい、それぞれのまりあちゃんのエピソード話。
まりあちゃん、最後は幸せだった〜ってお姉さんにいったそうです。
享年54歳 年は牧師さんがばらしちゃったの・・・・・
会場が全員ビクンとして、（いいの？）って空気だったのが、あとで笑い話。
「どうしよう・・・まりあに怒られる」っておねえちゃんが言うと、だれかが「お棺の中でも怒っていたね」
「年を間違えて、56歳でも言ったら、とび起きてたね」って、みんなで泣き笑いしました。
8時半ころ解散。
いっぱい通ったまりあちゃんのマンションに本当のさようならを言って、帰ってきました。
by Mari
Friday, July 29, 2011
The Time Has Come （その時）
The following is Mari's account:
その時
金曜の午後、1時半くらい。家にいた私の携帯に京子おねえちゃんから電話。
少しの間でわかっちゃった。その時が来た「…まりちゃん。まりあちゃん、今、亡くなりました。12時55分でした。」
夕方5時の納棺式に間に合うように、なおかーさん、と稲垣Dとかけつけた。稲垣Dはまりあちゃんがホスピスに来て具合が悪くなってからは、もうカメラを回していない。「こんなに弱った姿を撮ってほしくない」という家族の思い、「最後まで撮ってね。いいドキュメンタリーにしてね。」と言っていたまりあちゃんとの約束。心はずっと揺れたままだったはず。でも、残される家族を説得する言葉を見つけることができなかったって。やさしすぎるんだ、いなごちゃん。
仕方なかった。お姉さんは子を守る母ライオンみたいに誰も近寄らせなかったものね。目に見えない檻が私や尚子さんにも見えたもの。
だから、仕事じゃなく、心から駆け付けてくれた。
もう、すっかり仲間。深い絆できてます。
夕方5時、まだベットにまりあちゃんは寝てて、あれからすぐ綺麗にお風呂に入れてもらい、ホカホカになって戻ってきたらしい。もう苦しそうじゃなくて、安らかで眠っているに違いないって思ったって。
それから自分で準備してあった化粧品一式と大事な大事なつけまつげを看護婦さんがメイクしてくれた。
一週間前に麻布十番の家から、今日のこの日に選んで持ってきた服を着せてもらう。その時はもう少し先だと信じていたから、選んだのは秋物のワンピース。お気に入りのリボンが胸にあるやつ。
ボブの演奏する「アヴェ・マリア」が流れてる。優しくて悲しい。
お姉さんが優しく言った「見てやってね」
顔が穏やかに優しくなってる。よく守ったね。キミおねえちゃん、お疲れさま。
まりあちゃんの最後の様子を教えてくれた。
それまで規則正しく顎を上下させていた呼吸だったのに、大きく深呼吸みたいに胸で吸い込んだ。「頑張って。まりあちゃん」と声をかけると、「ふぅー」としぼんで行く胸。「もう、頑張れない？」「がんばったね」
それが、まりあちゃんのその時でした。
納棺式、夕方５時、そっと最後にふれた、まりあちゃんの頬、冷たくて、私は涙が出て止まらなかった。
by Mari
Friday afternoon, about 1:30, I got a call from Sis Kyoko.
I knew it before I heard the news. The time has come. "... Mari. Maria just passed away at 12: 55."
Naoko ma, Inagaki Director (a.k.a. Ms. Grasshopper) and I rushed over to be at the encoffinment ceremony, scheduled at 5:00pm. Inagaki Director stopped filming Maria when she moved to the hospice. Her family didn't want her film Maria in her deteriorated condition. Maria had said to her, "I want you to film to the end. Please make it a good documentary." Between the family's wish and her promise to Maria, Inagaki's mind must have been wavering. However, she explained that she couldn't find words to convince the family to be left behind. Too considerate you are, Ms. Grasshopper.
Nothing could have been done. Sister Kimi held off everybody just like a lioness protecting her cubs. Naoko ma and I could sense the invisible fences she placed around Maria.
So Ms. Grasshopper rushed over from her heart, not as a job.
We've become sisters with a deep bond.
5 o'clock in the afternoon, Maria was lying on the bed. Bathed soon after passing, she was brought back to the bed clean and warm. She didn't look suffering any more and people belived she was sleeping in peace.
Then, with the makeup kit she had prepared for this occasion, including her trademark false eyelashes, she got her makeup done by a nurse.
She was dressed in the outfit she had chosen for this day and brought from her home in Azabu Juban a week ago, when she believed she would have more time and chose a dress for autumn, her favorite one with a bow on the front.
Ave Maria by Bob was playing. Sweet and wistful.
Sis Kimi gently said, "Please take a look at her face."
Sis Kimi's look was softened and serene. You protected her well, Sis Kimi. Good job.
She told us about Maria's last moments.
Maria had been breathing, with regular up and down movements of the lower jaw. Then she breathed in deep. "Hang in, Maria," Sis said to her and her chest deflated as she let out the air. "You can't go on anymore, can you?" "You fought well." That was Maria's time.
At 5 o'clock, at encoffinment ceremony, Maria's cheek I touched gently was cold and I couldn't stop crying.
by Mari
edited and translated by J. Ujiie
その時
金曜の午後、1時半くらい。家にいた私の携帯に京子おねえちゃんから電話。
少しの間でわかっちゃった。その時が来た「…まりちゃん。まりあちゃん、今、亡くなりました。12時55分でした。」
夕方5時の納棺式に間に合うように、なおかーさん、と稲垣Dとかけつけた。稲垣Dはまりあちゃんがホスピスに来て具合が悪くなってからは、もうカメラを回していない。「こんなに弱った姿を撮ってほしくない」という家族の思い、「最後まで撮ってね。いいドキュメンタリーにしてね。」と言っていたまりあちゃんとの約束。心はずっと揺れたままだったはず。でも、残される家族を説得する言葉を見つけることができなかったって。やさしすぎるんだ、いなごちゃん。
仕方なかった。お姉さんは子を守る母ライオンみたいに誰も近寄らせなかったものね。目に見えない檻が私や尚子さんにも見えたもの。
だから、仕事じゃなく、心から駆け付けてくれた。
もう、すっかり仲間。深い絆できてます。
夕方5時、まだベットにまりあちゃんは寝てて、あれからすぐ綺麗にお風呂に入れてもらい、ホカホカになって戻ってきたらしい。もう苦しそうじゃなくて、安らかで眠っているに違いないって思ったって。
それから自分で準備してあった化粧品一式と大事な大事なつけまつげを看護婦さんがメイクしてくれた。
一週間前に麻布十番の家から、今日のこの日に選んで持ってきた服を着せてもらう。その時はもう少し先だと信じていたから、選んだのは秋物のワンピース。お気に入りのリボンが胸にあるやつ。
ボブの演奏する「アヴェ・マリア」が流れてる。優しくて悲しい。
お姉さんが優しく言った「見てやってね」
顔が穏やかに優しくなってる。よく守ったね。キミおねえちゃん、お疲れさま。
まりあちゃんの最後の様子を教えてくれた。
それまで規則正しく顎を上下させていた呼吸だったのに、大きく深呼吸みたいに胸で吸い込んだ。「頑張って。まりあちゃん」と声をかけると、「ふぅー」としぼんで行く胸。「もう、頑張れない？」「がんばったね」
それが、まりあちゃんのその時でした。
納棺式、夕方５時、そっと最後にふれた、まりあちゃんの頬、冷たくて、私は涙が出て止まらなかった。
by Mari
A Butterfly Took Wings
Maria crossed over at 12:55 Japan time today.
In the place of between, where time does not existPoem by Maria Franki
My beloved cat, Lucky
Is waiting for me.
A green stream, a breeze caresses my cheeks.
My heart is released
Feeling love and reflecting on love
I will be reunited with you.
Flowers bloom with joy
Butterflies dance.
Hands of Quan Yin
Lead me to satori
A butterfly never fails to emerge from a chrysalis
Immobile me and
An immobile chrysalis
From outside
You can’t tell
Inside the chrysalis
Metamorphosis is going on
To take wings
Working hard
Day by day.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Sleeping with a Calm and Happy Look
As of July 28, Maria is sleeping, breathing lightly, with a calm and happy look on her face, while her sisters watch over at her bedside. The music, Ave Maria, is playig endlessly in her room.
The hospice does not provide any life-prolonging care.
The hospice does not provide any life-prolonging care.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Ave Maria -- Phone call from Bob
As of July 27th, Maria is still in a coma.
The following is Mari's account:
by Mari
水曜日、私はボブの送ってくれた、音楽をCDにコピーしてお姉さんに「ボブさんの演奏してる曲だから、かけてあげてね」とお願いした。何回も何回もずっと彼女は聴いていた。繰り返し繰り返し何回も。
ボブから国際電話が私にかかり、外にいた私は直ぐ様、まりあの病室に飛び込んで、彼女の耳にボブの声を聞かせてあげた。
すでに意識はなく、呼吸のため上下する顎。目は開いているけれど、宙を見据えて瞬きもしない。
「ボブだよ。わからないかな…」
3分くらい話し続けてるボブ。
その時、ゆっくり瞳が動いて、片方の頬がピクリ！
「あ、聞こえてる！」
ぜったい聞こえてる。確信しました。
電話が終わると私はまりあちゃんの手を握って反応を確かめてみた。残念ながら何もなかったけれど、手はとっても暖かった。
by Mari
The following is Mari's account:
On Wednesday, I burnt the music Bob had sent me on a CD and handed to Maria's sister, saying, "This is the music Bob performed for Maria. Please play it for her."
Maria was listening to it again and again, endlessly, again and again.
When I was outside of her room, I got an international call from Bob. I ran into her room and placed the phone to her ear for her to hear Bob's voice.
She was unconscious. Her lower jaw was moving up and down as she breathed. Her eyes were open, staring into space, unblinking.
"It's Bob. Can't you hear?"
Bob kept on talking for about three minutes.
Then, I saw her eyes slowly move and a twitch on her cheek.
"She knows it!"
I had no doubt that she could hear his voice.
After the call, I held Maria's hand and searched for her response. There were none, but her hand was very warm.
by Mari
水曜日、私はボブの送ってくれた、音楽をCDにコピーしてお姉さんに「ボブさんの演奏してる曲だから、かけてあげてね」とお願いした。何回も何回もずっと彼女は聴いていた。繰り返し繰り返し何回も。
ボブから国際電話が私にかかり、外にいた私は直ぐ様、まりあの病室に飛び込んで、彼女の耳にボブの声を聞かせてあげた。
すでに意識はなく、呼吸のため上下する顎。目は開いているけれど、宙を見据えて瞬きもしない。
「ボブだよ。わからないかな…」
3分くらい話し続けてるボブ。
その時、ゆっくり瞳が動いて、片方の頬がピクリ！
「あ、聞こえてる！」
ぜったい聞こえてる。確信しました。
電話が終わると私はまりあちゃんの手を握って反応を確かめてみた。残念ながら何もなかったけれど、手はとっても暖かった。
by Mari
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Prayer Request
As of July 26, Maria is in a coma in the Kiyose Hospice.
Please send her love and a prayer for her peaceful transition.
Please send her love and a prayer for her peaceful transition.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Just before Slipping into a Coma （昏睡）
This is Mari's account of Maria just before slipping into a coma.
by Mari
昏睡
まりあちゃんが、眠り始めたのは月曜日の夕方、私はその日の3時くらいにお見舞いに行き、ずいぶん話せなくはなっていたけれど、それでも十分に意志の疎通ができ、茶目っ気たっぷりなまりあちゃんの笑顔に触れることができた。
私が帰ったのは夕方5時くらい。帰りぎわに頬にキスしたら、おどけて見せてくれた。その後、声にならない声で「まりちゃんとは、これで最後ね」と言った。私は「そんなことないわよ！また明日も来るから、明日ね！」うんうんと頷いて手を振ってお部屋を出た。明日もまた会えると信じていた。
私が帰ったあと、ゆりさんを呼んで「笹本さんと小島さんとさやかちゃんに伝えて。ごめんなさい、お見舞いはもう無理です。と」
もう、悟っていたまりあちゃんの最後の最後の気遣い。
そのあとドクターと少し話し、「夕飯をたべますか？ 」と聞くと「食べたい」と答えた。
ベットを起こしたり、準備をする間に疲れ切って眠り始め、それからずっとずっと4日間、眠り続けた。
by Mari
Maria slipped into a coma in the early evening Monday. I visited her around 3 o'clock that day. Though Maria was barely able to speak, she could communicate her intent. I could see Maria's playful smile.
I left the hospice around 5 o'clock. Before I left I kissed on her cheek and Maria still tried to be funny. Then in a voiceless voice, she said, "This is the last time to see you, Mari." I said, "No, it isn't. I will come to see you again tomorrow. See you tomorrow." I left her room, nodding in affirmation and waving a hand. I had no doubt that I would see her again the next day.
After I left, Maria called for Yuri and said, "Tell Mr. Sasamoto, Mr. Kojima and Sayaka that I won't be able to see them anymore. I'm sorry."
Knowing that it was her time, Maria cared about her friends to the last minutes.
Then Maria talked with the physician a little. The doctor asked her, "Do you want to eat dinner?" Maria said, "I would like to."
While preparing her for the last meal, she got tired and fell asleep. She kept on sleeping for the next 4 days.
by Mari
昏睡
まりあちゃんが、眠り始めたのは月曜日の夕方、私はその日の3時くらいにお見舞いに行き、ずいぶん話せなくはなっていたけれど、それでも十分に意志の疎通ができ、茶目っ気たっぷりなまりあちゃんの笑顔に触れることができた。
私が帰ったのは夕方5時くらい。帰りぎわに頬にキスしたら、おどけて見せてくれた。その後、声にならない声で「まりちゃんとは、これで最後ね」と言った。私は「そんなことないわよ！また明日も来るから、明日ね！」うんうんと頷いて手を振ってお部屋を出た。明日もまた会えると信じていた。
私が帰ったあと、ゆりさんを呼んで「笹本さんと小島さんとさやかちゃんに伝えて。ごめんなさい、お見舞いはもう無理です。と」
もう、悟っていたまりあちゃんの最後の最後の気遣い。
そのあとドクターと少し話し、「夕飯をたべますか？ 」と聞くと「食べたい」と答えた。
ベットを起こしたり、準備をする間に疲れ切って眠り始め、それからずっとずっと4日間、眠り続けた。
by Mari
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Through the Door in Your Heart
In her last days, Maria was on morphine to relieve her pain and suffering.
Two days before she slipped into a coma, she said to her sister, "Bob came in my room through the door." When her sister said "Good for you," Maria smiled.
Two days before she slipped into a coma, she said to her sister, "Bob came in my room through the door." When her sister said "Good for you," Maria smiled.
Friday, July 22, 2011
In Fall
July 22
Since Maria was admitted to the hospital on May 14, she hasn't been back to her apartment in Azabu Juban. Maria expressed again and again her strong wish to go home to her apartment, even temporarily. As her condition deteriorates, it has become more and more difficult.
On July 22, 10 days after her transfer to the hospice, her wish was finally granted. She was able to spend 3 hours in her apartment.
Maria chose her last outfit from her wardrobe.
It was a fall dress.
The doctor said that she would not make August.
Since Maria was admitted to the hospital on May 14, she hasn't been back to her apartment in Azabu Juban. Maria expressed again and again her strong wish to go home to her apartment, even temporarily. As her condition deteriorates, it has become more and more difficult.
On July 22, 10 days after her transfer to the hospice, her wish was finally granted. She was able to spend 3 hours in her apartment.
Maria chose her last outfit from her wardrobe.
It was a fall dress.
The doctor said that she would not make August.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
The Day of Two Eels
July 21
Ms. Grasshopper visted Maria. Maria had a good appetite and ate up a serving of grilled eel, saying "yummy! " Her sisters came late in the afternoon. They also brought grilled eel, and Maria ate it up again.
Her sisters stayed over at the hospice.
Maria is on morphene and she is not feeling pain, nor suffering. She is alert and able to communicate. Her spirit is up.
However, the doctor warned that her respiratory muscles wouldn't last another month.
Ms. Grasshopper visted Maria. Maria had a good appetite and ate up a serving of grilled eel, saying "yummy! " Her sisters came late in the afternoon. They also brought grilled eel, and Maria ate it up again.
Her sisters stayed over at the hospice.
Maria is on morphene and she is not feeling pain, nor suffering. She is alert and able to communicate. Her spirit is up.
However, the doctor warned that her respiratory muscles wouldn't last another month.
Monday, July 18, 2011
New York
July 18
It was early April in New York.
3 months has past, the seasons has past, and scenery has past.
Now thunder storms and a hot summer.
It's July
here, there, and
in New York, where my ex-husband is.
Though the photos are 3 months old,
When you have time
Please take a look at the photos of Manhattan and
Maria.
Poem by Maria Franki
Edited and translated by J.Ujiie
It was early April in New York.
3 months has past, the seasons has past, and scenery has past.
Now thunder storms and a hot summer.
It's July
here, there, and
in New York, where my ex-husband is.
Though the photos are 3 months old,
When you have time
Please take a look at the photos of Manhattan and
Maria.
Poem by Maria Franki
Edited and translated by J.Ujiie
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Hospice
July 12
On July 12, after 2 months in the hospital, Maria was transferred from the hospital in central Tokyo to a hospice operated by the Salvation Army in an outer borough surrounded by trees.
On July 12, after 2 months in the hospital, Maria was transferred from the hospital in central Tokyo to a hospice operated by the Salvation Army in an outer borough surrounded by trees.
After arriving at the hospice, Maria ate a meal and strolled outside in a reclining wheelchair. She was rejoiced. The sparkle returned to her eyes. The staff of the hospice were knowledgable and caring. Maria shed a tear of gratitude.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Looking for Maria's Last Home
July 7
Maria's Sisters and a friend of hers, along with Ms Grasshopper and the camera woman visited a Hospice in an outer borough to see if it would fit Maria's needs.
They found it a wonderful place to be in, with a window to look out to the garden with trees. The hospice had a facility for visitors to stay overnight. Even though it was more than one hour by train from the central Tokyo, Maria's friends thought this place could be her last home, and friends could visit more freely than in the hospital because of less restrictions.
Maria's Sisters and a friend of hers, along with Ms Grasshopper and the camera woman visited a Hospice in an outer borough to see if it would fit Maria's needs.
They found it a wonderful place to be in, with a window to look out to the garden with trees. The hospice had a facility for visitors to stay overnight. Even though it was more than one hour by train from the central Tokyo, Maria's friends thought this place could be her last home, and friends could visit more freely than in the hospital because of less restrictions.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Eggs in Hospital
June 21st
Day 39 in Hospital
A hospital morning starts with
Rolling and rumbling of
Trolley carts.
Sometimes heavy
Sometimes light
The first thing in the morning is
A food trolley cart for
Breakfast delivery.
Like a warehouse
Bland and impersonal
As nursing care goods are.
Pink, floral pattern
Why not?
Immobile,
To keep breathing
To wake up every day
To laugh every day
And to live on.
I wait for a food tray
On the rolling cart
And I eat.
It lacks a kick,
It needs to be spiced up.
Eggs among others.
Scrambled or
Egg drop
Sloppy somehow.
It’s so simple
To boil an egg
Fuss free
A boiled egg
It is.
On the day of Chief Physician’s rounds
Doc asked me
If I enjoyed my meal.
“I would surely enjoy boiled eggs.”
The Chief Doc said, grinning,
“You are not staying at a hotel.”
What?
A boiled egg is served in a hotel
But why
Not in a hospital?
I’m confused.
“I’m not picky. It doesn’t have to be soft boiled,”
I said.
Chief Doc’s head looked spinning.
“You like eggs, don’t you.”
“….”
No, you don’t get it.
I wanted to say eggs here were tasteless…
I said to myself in a small voice.
Tomorrow may well start with
Rolling and rumbling of
A trolley cart, with
Tasteless eggs on board.
It’s all right just the same.
‘Cause I’m alive.
Day 39 in Hospital
A hospital morning starts with
Rolling and rumbling of
Trolley carts.
Sometimes heavy
Sometimes light
The first thing in the morning is
A food trolley cart for
Breakfast delivery.
Like a warehouse
Bland and impersonal
As nursing care goods are.
Pink, floral pattern
Why not?
Immobile,
To keep breathing
To wake up every day
To laugh every day
And to live on.
I wait for a food tray
On the rolling cart
And I eat.
It lacks a kick,
It needs to be spiced up.
Eggs among others.
Scrambled or
Egg drop
Sloppy somehow.
It’s so simple
To boil an egg
Fuss free
A boiled egg
It is.
On the day of Chief Physician’s rounds
Doc asked me
If I enjoyed my meal.
“I would surely enjoy boiled eggs.”
The Chief Doc said, grinning,
“You are not staying at a hotel.”
What?
A boiled egg is served in a hotel
But why
Not in a hospital?
I’m confused.
“I’m not picky. It doesn’t have to be soft boiled,”
I said.
Chief Doc’s head looked spinning.
“You like eggs, don’t you.”
“….”
No, you don’t get it.
I wanted to say eggs here were tasteless…
I said to myself in a small voice.
Tomorrow may well start with
Rolling and rumbling of
A trolley cart, with
Tasteless eggs on board.
It’s all right just the same.
‘Cause I’m alive.
Poem by Maria Franki
Edited and translated by J. Ujiie
©2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Spoken Words
June 18
Day 36 in Hospital
2:00 PM
Mari and Andy
Came
After work drinks,
Drinking Parties,
Old office reunions
One of my drinking buddies
I took the liberty to call Fukuoka District Chief
Is a daddy of two cats.
Thank you for sending heart warming mail
About your cats.
Cucumbers, eggplants,
Flat podded peas I forgot what it was called.
So
I took a liberty to call it flat peas.
Vegetables home grown by his wife
Is the bride to marry into
Pickling bed Yuri made.
I will eat them next Sunday.
With a microphone to record my blog entry
In his bag.
He cares.
Does it work with Mac?
Well,
It doesn’t seem to be working.
Does it work with my hands?
Well,
It doesn’t seem to be working.
They won’t move
They won’t rise
My fingers move,
While
My arms won’t rise.
It is getting ever increasingly challenging
To use the keyboard.
A microphone
Converts spoken words into written words
For blog and mail
Azabu Juban Love Story
Frontal lobe to speak
Parietal lobe to write
Building a bridge across the brain
To go back and forth
The world which has made it possible
Is super cool, I think.
Day 36 in Hospital
2:00 PM
Mari and Andy
Came
After work drinks,
Drinking Parties,
Old office reunions
One of my drinking buddies
I took the liberty to call Fukuoka District Chief
Is a daddy of two cats.
Thank you for sending heart warming mail
About your cats.
Cucumbers, eggplants,
Flat podded peas I forgot what it was called.
So
I took a liberty to call it flat peas.
Vegetables home grown by his wife
Is the bride to marry into
Pickling bed Yuri made.
I will eat them next Sunday.
With a microphone to record my blog entry
In his bag.
He cares.
Does it work with Mac?
Well,
It doesn’t seem to be working.
Does it work with my hands?
Well,
It doesn’t seem to be working.
They won’t move
They won’t rise
My fingers move,
While
My arms won’t rise.
It is getting ever increasingly challenging
To use the keyboard.
A microphone
Converts spoken words into written words
For blog and mail
Azabu Juban Love Story
Frontal lobe to speak
Parietal lobe to write
Building a bridge across the brain
To go back and forth
The world which has made it possible
Is super cool, I think.
Poem by Maria Franki
Edited and translated by J. Ujiie
© 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Day 14 in Hospital
May 27th
05:00
I didn’t expect
This much of brightness at
This early time of morning,
Good Morning, the brand new Sun!
Last night, nobody came to wake me up.
It was a precious night.
These days, the oxygen level in blood decreases
While sleeping sometimes to 72.
Threshold of stormy night.
At the threshold,
They wake me up
And put me on oxygen
I’m not suffering.
Only the oxygen level tells the suffering I’m not aware of.
Last night, I was allowed to have peaceful rest,
Except for one roll over to change positions.
I’m getting good at sleeping.
Yay!
Porridge for breakfast
Miso soup with Daikon Radish
Egg and green peas
Cabbage
Morinaga milk
Music from community morning exercise,
Subway Trains running busy,
Traffic lights changing,
Radio Calisthenics Exercise No.1 was
My forte
Brush teeth
Take meds
Attending physician shows up
Hands and arms rehabilitation
MSW came to discuss nursing facilities.
And that was my morning.
Lunch Hour
My Sister Kimi and My friend J came
With a chocolate crescent roll.
It’s my favorite.
Naoko stopped by a little later
With forms for me to sign
Another farewell to say
At the end of May
Good bye ACCJ, my last work.
Noninvasive Positive Pressure Ventilator
Dr. Sunagawa
Gave me just the right instruction.
I tried it on with pressure level 10 for an hour,
Smooth breathing out and in
Allowed me to expect more time to live.
Rehabilitation of legs.
Ikegami Sensei
Her knees and my knees met
My thighbone directly stacked on my leg bone, making it one long leg bone.
And I could stand up.
I COULD stand up, with sweat and tears.
MSW Ono san came again.
She really cares
I can feel.
My illness allows me to feel the heart of people.
Mari came
With her home-made croquette and cucumber pickles.
Thank you Mari all the time.
Dinner Time.
Karaage chicken
J bought and
Negi Miso
Sis Kimi made
Transformed the tasteless hospital food into everyday family dinner.
After dinner
Alone with J
With hands of Quan Ying
Received massage of
Bones
Muscles
And …Heart.
05:00
I didn’t expect
This much of brightness at
This early time of morning,
Good Morning, the brand new Sun!
Last night, nobody came to wake me up.
It was a precious night.
These days, the oxygen level in blood decreases
While sleeping sometimes to 72.
Threshold of stormy night.
At the threshold,
They wake me up
And put me on oxygen
I’m not suffering.
Only the oxygen level tells the suffering I’m not aware of.
Last night, I was allowed to have peaceful rest,
Except for one roll over to change positions.
I’m getting good at sleeping.
Yay!
Porridge for breakfast
Miso soup with Daikon Radish
Egg and green peas
Cabbage
Morinaga milk
Music from community morning exercise,
Subway Trains running busy,
Traffic lights changing,
Radio Calisthenics Exercise No.1 was
My forte
Brush teeth
Take meds
Attending physician shows up
Hands and arms rehabilitation
MSW came to discuss nursing facilities.
And that was my morning.
Lunch Hour
My Sister Kimi and My friend J came
With a chocolate crescent roll.
It’s my favorite.
Naoko stopped by a little later
With forms for me to sign
Another farewell to say
At the end of May
Good bye ACCJ, my last work.
Noninvasive Positive Pressure Ventilator
Dr. Sunagawa
Gave me just the right instruction.
I tried it on with pressure level 10 for an hour,
Smooth breathing out and in
Allowed me to expect more time to live.
Rehabilitation of legs.
Ikegami Sensei
Her knees and my knees met
My thighbone directly stacked on my leg bone, making it one long leg bone.
And I could stand up.
I COULD stand up, with sweat and tears.
MSW Ono san came again.
She really cares
I can feel.
My illness allows me to feel the heart of people.
Mari came
With her home-made croquette and cucumber pickles.
Thank you Mari all the time.
Dinner Time.
Karaage chicken
J bought and
Negi Miso
Sis Kimi made
Transformed the tasteless hospital food into everyday family dinner.
After dinner
Alone with J
With hands of Quan Ying
Received massage of
Bones
Muscles
And …Heart.
Poem by Maria Franki
Edited and translated by J. Ujiie
©2011
©2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Day 12 in Hospital
May 25th
10:00 in the morning
J came
In a purple T-shirt
Today is the day to take a shower
From 10:30-11:00
30 minutes
Sharp
Immobile,
Having myself undressed
By rolling over
This way, that way, this way, and again
Upsy-daisy
It takes two nurses to
Move me from bed on to a shower gurney,
Rolling me over
Constrained by space,
Move the chair out
Move the overbed table
7 minutes has elapsed already
Quick! Hurry!
To the shower room.
Adjust temperature and adjust water pressure
Shampoo and rinse away, shampoo and rinse away
Hair conditioner is strawberry scented.
Washcloth soupy and lathery；
The shower bed shape of canoe；
My lying body enclosed by four walls,
I wanted to wash out
Slimy residue of soap and hair conditioner
To feel squeaky-clean and fresh,
Only to knock against the walls of canoe.
Ever cloudy water
Never runs clean
I learned what being out of my power meant
Just by taking a shower
All by taking a shower
From undressing to
Returning home to the bed in the hospital room,
The routine goes
On the shower day in hospital in
30 minutes sharp.
The Attending Physician told me to
Call a family meeting.
Today is the day.
Sis Kimi
Sis Kyoko
Together they came.
The counseling room
They alone were called in
What? Without me?
It shouldn’t be
Without me.
After 10 minutes
I was called in
To confirm.
Tracheotomy
Mechanical ventilation
You opt out, don’t you?
In the presence of Sisters,
Yes
I confirmed.
Around the clock
Monitoring you will need.
Yes
I confirmed.
Less hospitals and facilities
I can chose from.
Healthcare situation
In Japan.
A medically displaced person I become.
NIPV.
Noninvasive Positive Pressure Ventilation.
Trial fitting.
It facilitates my breathing
A machine that assists life.
From J. in the purple T-shirt
Qi flows in
Thinly breathing me,
Concentrated qi flows in.
I felt like talking about my soul.
10:00 in the morning
J came
In a purple T-shirt
Today is the day to take a shower
From 10:30-11:00
30 minutes
Sharp
Immobile,
Having myself undressed
By rolling over
This way, that way, this way, and again
Upsy-daisy
It takes two nurses to
Move me from bed on to a shower gurney,
Rolling me over
Constrained by space,
Move the chair out
Move the overbed table
7 minutes has elapsed already
Quick! Hurry!
To the shower room.
Adjust temperature and adjust water pressure
Shampoo and rinse away, shampoo and rinse away
Hair conditioner is strawberry scented.
Washcloth soupy and lathery；
The shower bed shape of canoe；
My lying body enclosed by four walls,
I wanted to wash out
Slimy residue of soap and hair conditioner
To feel squeaky-clean and fresh,
Only to knock against the walls of canoe.
Ever cloudy water
Never runs clean
I learned what being out of my power meant
Just by taking a shower
All by taking a shower
From undressing to
Returning home to the bed in the hospital room,
The routine goes
On the shower day in hospital in
30 minutes sharp.
The Attending Physician told me to
Call a family meeting.
Today is the day.
Sis Kimi
Sis Kyoko
Together they came.
The counseling room
They alone were called in
What? Without me?
It shouldn’t be
Without me.
After 10 minutes
I was called in
To confirm.
Tracheotomy
Mechanical ventilation
You opt out, don’t you?
In the presence of Sisters,
Yes
I confirmed.
Around the clock
Monitoring you will need.
Yes
I confirmed.
Less hospitals and facilities
I can chose from.
Healthcare situation
In Japan.
A medically displaced person I become.
NIPV.
Noninvasive Positive Pressure Ventilation.
Trial fitting.
It facilitates my breathing
A machine that assists life.
From J. in the purple T-shirt
Qi flows in
Thinly breathing me,
Concentrated qi flows in.
I felt like talking about my soul.
Poem by Maria Franki
Edited and translated by J. Ujiie
©2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Day 11 in Hospital
May 24th
Bleak rain
The gray sky
J came from NYC
With her short
Spiky shiny hair
In a low-cut black T-shirt
Brought an air of NY
I thought she would never
Have her waist long hair cut.
I wonder how many years have past since then.
Hugged in her arms
The distance melted
between NY and here
My path and hers converged.
My drooping feet,
right and left, squeezed and kneaded
I remember the touch of
Hands of Kan-non,
Hands that heal.
Kneaded
Squeezed
With eyes closed
I am in Nirvana, where
A dragonfly flies.
Mari came
With scrambled eggs she made
Three of us together
Just as we were in the lunchroom in NYC.
In youth
The promise of a shining future lied ahead
Death hath not so ghastly a face at a distance,
As it hath at hand.
Hands of Kan-non
Over the hillsides of legs that couldn’t walk
Glided
Lulled me to sleep
Like a baby.
“I am afraid to die.”
The emotion I’d contained so far
Overflowed in the presence of J.
In the place of between, where time does not exist
My beloved cat, Lucky
Is waiting for me.
A green stream, a breeze caresses my cheeks.
My heart is released
Feeling love and reflecting on love
I will be reunited with you.
Flowers bloom with joy
Butterflies dance.
Hands of Quan Yin
Lead me to satori
A butterfly never fails to emerge from a chrysalis
Immobile me and
An immobile chrysalis
From outside
You can’t tell
Inside the chrysalis
Metamorphosis is going on
To take wings
Working hard
Day by day.
Bleak rain
The gray sky
J came from NYC
With her short
Spiky shiny hair
In a low-cut black T-shirt
Brought an air of NY
I thought she would never
Have her waist long hair cut.
I wonder how many years have past since then.
Hugged in her arms
The distance melted
between NY and here
My path and hers converged.
My drooping feet,
right and left, squeezed and kneaded
I remember the touch of
Hands of Kan-non,
Hands that heal.
Kneaded
Squeezed
With eyes closed
I am in Nirvana, where
A dragonfly flies.
Mari came
With scrambled eggs she made
Three of us together
Just as we were in the lunchroom in NYC.
In youth
The promise of a shining future lied ahead
Death hath not so ghastly a face at a distance,
As it hath at hand.
Hands of Kan-non
Over the hillsides of legs that couldn’t walk
Glided
Lulled me to sleep
Like a baby.
“I am afraid to die.”
The emotion I’d contained so far
Overflowed in the presence of J.
In the place of between, where time does not exist
My beloved cat, Lucky
Is waiting for me.
A green stream, a breeze caresses my cheeks.
My heart is released
Feeling love and reflecting on love
I will be reunited with you.
Flowers bloom with joy
Butterflies dance.
Hands of Quan Yin
Lead me to satori
A butterfly never fails to emerge from a chrysalis
Immobile me and
An immobile chrysalis
From outside
You can’t tell
Inside the chrysalis
Metamorphosis is going on
To take wings
Working hard
Day by day.
Poem by Maria Flanki
Edited and translated by J. Ujiie
©2011
©2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Day 10 in Hospital
May 23rd
07:00 AM
Drawing blood,
An expert nurse
Missed the vein on
My left arm.
I knew it
From my experience.
There is a chemistry
Even in drawing blood.
Between a patient and a nurse;
A body and medicine;
Drinks and nibbles；
Sea Anemone and clownfish；
A man and a woman；
It takes two to tango.
The chief nurse happened to
stop by and took
a look at my right arm.
I see the vein, she said.
Can you do it? I asked.
Ready for a prick? she said.
It stung.
She got it right.
I knew it.
It was how the Monday morning
Started.
Videofluorography
Was scheduled for tomorrow.
Dr. Sunagawa came to explain the procedure.
I see…
They will take video of movement of my throat
As I swallow solid food.
Without waiting for the result of the test yet to start
To discuss the state of disease and what to expect
Dr. Saito called on.
Four physicians standing at my bedside.
The chief physician looked at me and
Asked,
Mechanical ventilation
Do you chose to be on?
A grave decision to make.
With the machine,
The air flows
And I will live.
Without the machine
As the respiratory muscles waste away,
My breath fades away
To die.
On or off
Time to decide.
In either way
Life is precious to live.
With mechanical ventilation
I will live on
without the ability to speak
without the ability to eat.
Immobile,
I won’t be able to ward off a fly.
To Scratch my head.
To blow my nose when I have a cold.
I will lose my autonomy,
Of even a single tiniest movement,
Staring at the ceiling
I live on to the end of my life.
Without mechanical ventilation
Staring the death in the face,
Until being called to heaven,
I will be able to kind of talk
I will be able to kind of eat
Till my breathing stops.
It’s a short life to live.
Which way is better life to live?
There is no single right choice.
I didn’t expect my life would be either-or.
I asked Dr. Chief Physician.
Without Mechanical Ventilation,
How long my muscles of respiration
Would keep on working?
“Less than one year… at most.”
“Most likely half a year… six months.”
On Christmas day this year.
I will not be.
Dr. wrote something down
On the pad of paper
“NO Mechanical Ventilation”
I guessed.
As I have chosen the life without it.
It was how
The Monday
Ended.
07:00 AM
Drawing blood,
An expert nurse
Missed the vein on
My left arm.
I knew it
From my experience.
There is a chemistry
Even in drawing blood.
Between a patient and a nurse;
A body and medicine;
Drinks and nibbles；
Sea Anemone and clownfish；
A man and a woman；
It takes two to tango.
The chief nurse happened to
stop by and took
a look at my right arm.
I see the vein, she said.
Can you do it? I asked.
Ready for a prick? she said.
It stung.
She got it right.
I knew it.
It was how the Monday morning
Started.
Videofluorography
Was scheduled for tomorrow.
Dr. Sunagawa came to explain the procedure.
I see…
They will take video of movement of my throat
As I swallow solid food.
Without waiting for the result of the test yet to start
To discuss the state of disease and what to expect
Dr. Saito called on.
Four physicians standing at my bedside.
The chief physician looked at me and
Asked,
Mechanical ventilation
Do you chose to be on?
A grave decision to make.
With the machine,
The air flows
And I will live.
Without the machine
As the respiratory muscles waste away,
My breath fades away
To die.
On or off
Time to decide.
In either way
Life is precious to live.
With mechanical ventilation
I will live on
without the ability to speak
without the ability to eat.
Immobile,
I won’t be able to ward off a fly.
To Scratch my head.
To blow my nose when I have a cold.
I will lose my autonomy,
Of even a single tiniest movement,
Staring at the ceiling
I live on to the end of my life.
Without mechanical ventilation
Staring the death in the face,
Until being called to heaven,
I will be able to kind of talk
I will be able to kind of eat
Till my breathing stops.
It’s a short life to live.
Which way is better life to live?
There is no single right choice.
I didn’t expect my life would be either-or.
I asked Dr. Chief Physician.
Without Mechanical Ventilation,
How long my muscles of respiration
Would keep on working?
“Less than one year… at most.”
“Most likely half a year… six months.”
On Christmas day this year.
I will not be.
Dr. wrote something down
On the pad of paper
“NO Mechanical Ventilation”
I guessed.
As I have chosen the life without it.
It was how
The Monday
Ended.
Poem by Maria Franki
Edited and translated by J. Ujiie
©2011
©2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Day 9 in Hospital
May 22nd
Pressing a nurse call button
marks the beginning of a day.
A portable toilet
I use these days
Comes in handy
Requires one less step
To move my body
From bed straight to the toilet
Without getting on the wheelchair.
Near or far, small or large
Any movement is assisted by
Hands of others.
And yet
It taxes my ever waning strength.
With my arms around your shoulders
I hang and hold on to you.
That’s what I do,
All what I can do.
For the weakened trunk
The head is too heavy to support.
The chest weighs down on
The heart and lungs and
I break out in cold sweat
Screaming.
What was I thinking?
I can’t go to restaurants anymore.
Silly me.
I can count places I can’t go
To see a movie
To class
To the places of everyday life.
Mari came with her home-made pickles.
Cucumbers and carrots.
Taste of home reminded me of
An ordinary, everyday life.
While eating dinner
I had a fit of cough with
A dry piece of white fish caught in my throat.
Immediately I used a nebulizer.
I’m getting better at navigating between life and death.
It’s all about timing.
Pronto!
Two hours has past.
Slowly
Very slowly
The storm of wet cough has
Died down.
Hoping two more puffs via the nebulizer
Would chase away another sleepless night
By keeping the airway open.
No more wheezing
A quiet hospital room
Only echoes of a groan
I made, alone.
I wonder
how my condition will change.
Progression or transformation?
Little by little
Pressing a nurse call button
marks the beginning of a day.
A portable toilet
I use these days
Comes in handy
Requires one less step
To move my body
From bed straight to the toilet
Without getting on the wheelchair.
Near or far, small or large
Any movement is assisted by
Hands of others.
And yet
It taxes my ever waning strength.
With my arms around your shoulders
I hang and hold on to you.
That’s what I do,
All what I can do.
For the weakened trunk
The head is too heavy to support.
The chest weighs down on
The heart and lungs and
I break out in cold sweat
Screaming.
What was I thinking?
I can’t go to restaurants anymore.
Silly me.
I can count places I can’t go
To see a movie
To class
To the places of everyday life.
Mari came with her home-made pickles.
Cucumbers and carrots.
Taste of home reminded me of
An ordinary, everyday life.
While eating dinner
I had a fit of cough with
A dry piece of white fish caught in my throat.
Immediately I used a nebulizer.
I’m getting better at navigating between life and death.
It’s all about timing.
Pronto!
Two hours has past.
Slowly
Very slowly
The storm of wet cough has
Died down.
Hoping two more puffs via the nebulizer
Would chase away another sleepless night
By keeping the airway open.
No more wheezing
A quiet hospital room
Only echoes of a groan
I made, alone.
I wonder
how my condition will change.
Progression or transformation?
Little by little
Something is changing
Inside.
Poem by Maria Franki
Edited and Translated by J.Ujiie
©2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Day 8 in Hospital
May 21st
On Saturday
The hospital takes a day off;
The time seems to stroll.
Body weight
39.6Kg
I weighed 40.4Kg two days ago.
In two days; less 0.8 Kg
I’m shrinking.
A sturdy plastic sling was
Spread on the bed.
A nurse rolled me over on it.
I was hoisted up
In the air, suspended in limbo.
46 Kg
In January this year.
52 Kg
Around this time last year.
“My weight has reached the Big 60 before I do.”
I joked and laughed in 2009.
A round fleshy face like a perfectly healthy child
I can’t find her anywhere anymore.
I shrink and shrink,
Shrink all the way
Till I burn out
to become a star.
Dinner
Rice congee
Onion soup
White fish sauteed with butter, grilled tomato on the side
Lemon
Mashed potato Japanese style
Greens dressed in a sesame sauce
Shrinking, I
Ate
by myself on bed.
Tasteless and
Joyless.
In the Hospital on Saturday
Alone I watched as time goes by.
The Tokyo Tower lit up in blue.
Feeling blue,
I choose to slip into a sweet dream.
On Saturday
The hospital takes a day off;
The time seems to stroll.
Body weight
39.6Kg
I weighed 40.4Kg two days ago.
In two days; less 0.8 Kg
I’m shrinking.
A sturdy plastic sling was
Spread on the bed.
A nurse rolled me over on it.
I was hoisted up
In the air, suspended in limbo.
46 Kg
In January this year.
52 Kg
Around this time last year.
“My weight has reached the Big 60 before I do.”
I joked and laughed in 2009.
A round fleshy face like a perfectly healthy child
I can’t find her anywhere anymore.
I shrink and shrink,
Shrink all the way
Till I burn out
to become a star.
Dinner
Rice congee
Onion soup
White fish sauteed with butter, grilled tomato on the side
Lemon
Mashed potato Japanese style
Greens dressed in a sesame sauce
Shrinking, I
Ate
by myself on bed.
Tasteless and
Joyless.
In the Hospital on Saturday
Alone I watched as time goes by.
The Tokyo Tower lit up in blue.
Feeling blue,
I choose to slip into a sweet dream.
Poem by Maria Franki
Edited and translated by J.Ujiie
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