Two Days After

March 13th

Mind and heart wide awake.
Experience of escape with bare life heavy
The sleep restless.

I head noise from the living room.
Kochi opened the curtains.
It was a beautiful day
when precious lives were lost.
Overwhelming sadness remained.

Eating the breakfast Kochi fixed for me
I fell asleep immediately.
Wrapped in a blanket
feeling warm as in a womb.

A shower time
What's wrong with me?  I can't walk.
With Kochi supporting my back,
I still can't walk.
Back, abdomen, and tights are out.
That's a bad sign.  Am I going into immobility?

I was carried to the bathroom.
On a chair, I could manage to take a shower.
The muscles were weakening without mercy.
Is this an ultimatum from my muscles?

4:40 pm
Ms. Grasshopper came.
Since I can't step over 8 cm height differences, she is planning to place a 4 cm board.
Stepping over 4 cm twice, I can step over 8 cm.
She measured the length of the board.

Dinner with 3.
Leftover.
Everything was sold out.
The shops were empty.

Ms. Grasshopper left to buy boards.
Kochi left for home.

I was overcome by fear of not being able to walk.
On TV, the news was horrifying.
Double sadness in a lonely room.

11:40pm
Ms. Grasshopper came again
With a flashlight to
Prepare for rolling blackouts.
She couldn't buy boards.
The shops were closed earlier.

Ms. Grasshopper had beer
I had chocolate.
Sweet and delicious.

I want to forget everything.
About illness, about the earthquake.
Tomorrow, I'll find love.
I hope it will be that kind of Monday.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

The Day After

March 12th

The sleepless night shifted into the morning
Aftershocks
My heart pounds.
I won't be able to sleep tonight again.

Elevator is not working.
I can't climb up and down stairs in a wheelchair.
I wait here for the earthquake to be over.

Ms. Grasshopper is in the living room.
She stayed over.
Yogurt and milk for breakfast.

TV is showing the earthquake damage.
Right now, at this moment people are suffering.
Many people.
Quick, hurry, rescue them please.

1:00 pm
Kochi came with takeout food and milk.
Ms. Grasshopper left.

Kochi and I lay down, exhausted.
Kochi hasn't slept, either.
It's little chilly.  It's much colder in the earthquake hit area.
We should not complain.

6:30 pm
Mari came.  Ms. Grasshopper was alread back.
Yuri came with her black back pack.
Kochi and I.  Five in all.
With the company I felt less anxious.

I got a short mail from my ex

"Hi Maria, I can't get through yet.  Is Ayako San still with you?  I hope you have water and food.  I will try again later.  Take care, Bobby."

Ex-husband is worrying about food and water.
Just like the old days.
I need to send him a mail to let him know I'm o.k.
I'm with the wonderful company and they fixed meals for me.

I want to send the words of gratitude.
Tonight.
I feel nostalgic.

Tomorrow, when I wake up Kochi will be here.
I'm happy and good night.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Earthqake

March 11th

2:46 pm
I was on a sofa in the living room
The handles of dressers started to dance
The noise of earthquake.
I know from the experiences.

I thought it would be over soon, as it always was.
The furniture shook, the room shook, and the building shook.
It was a monster earthquake.
My body with ALS was about to be swallowed by the monster.

What do I do?
I have to think by myself, and I have to act by myself.
All I can do is to crawl,
Crawl and crawl and crawl like a snake.

In the room shaking, I crawled
Toward the center of the room, inch by inch, inch by inch
Oh, God, I called out.
Praying, I covered my head with a cushion.

Rolling and shaking
CDs came falling off
I thought I would die here.
I was scared, I was afraid.
I wanted to die peacefully.
I don't want to be in pain.

I am still alive.
The large shaking stopped.
I looked up and opened my eyes.
What do I do?
What do I do?

The snake made its way to back to the sofa.
It's coming again.  It came again.
The monster of the earth is acting up.
There is nothing I can do.

I turned on the TV
To find out it was not an inland earthquake.

I got an e-mail from Ms. Grasshopper.
"Do you have anybody with you?"
"No.  I'm scared."

In a little while the doorbell rang
Ms. Grasshopper and her boss came.
The boss went out to buy
Snacks and drinks
And left.
I didn't have a chance to say thank you.
Thank you.

Together with Ms. Grasshopper,
Two is better than one
It's heartening.

MAMA came
with a fire fighter's helmet.
She said her dog ran out to the terrace
And was freezing.

Naoko ma, Andrew, and Maruyama came from the office.
They confirmed my safety and reported to the boss.
What a coordination.
What a wonderful company and people.
I was move to tears.

Mari came.  She walked from her home.
Thank you.  And you washed dishes for me.

Again alone with Ms. Grasshopper
"Let's be prepared.　Forewarned is forearmed."
A small candle, a lighter
We packed in a bag, shoes, a towel, and winter clothes.

Ms. Grasshopper said she would carry me on her back.
I'm light but it's on forth floor.
Hang tough.
Hang in together.

We can't fight on an empty stomach.
In the fridge, we found Mari's home cooked tomato stew.
We ate together with gratitude.
We could say it was delicious, even after the earthquake.

After a while, mails arrived all at once.
From kochi, kato, ueno, maho, harumi, hozue, maiko, thank you for your mail.

I got another mail.
What?
From my ex-husband.

"Are you OK? I tried to call, but all lines are busy.  If you can, call, text or email anytime.--Bobby."

"I am with Dad at the doctor now.  I will try to call U tomorrow AM Tokyo time if phones are working. I am so happy U are OK and with Ayako San.  I will pray for you and all Japan.  --Bobby."

My heart is touched by your caring, all the way from U.S.
I'll hang in
To fight against illness and earthquakes.

The day will come to say
"Goodbye" is still far away.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Tightrope

March 10th

The housekeeper came.
Bathroom
Bedroom
Living room
She vacuums and cleans.
I'm so happy.

She warmed milk for me. Thank you.
I can not even have meals without assistance.
Every day is on a tightrope of life.

I used to walk on a tight rope of love.
Today I can't love without eating.
The life is a balancing act.
Somebody said it would be break even at the end of the day.

The housekeeper left.
Alone in my apartment.
It's so quiet.

When I was young
When I believed my life would go on forever,
I thought quietness and silence was cool.

Now...
I am not into quietness.
Quietness makes me think about the death.
It must be quiet "there."
Rest in peace, they say.

I beg the time not to come yet.
I don't want to die.

7 hours of silence.
I type on keyboard.

6:30
KP came
He installed a flat panel TV for me.
I'm impressed.  He can do anything.

We went out for dinner to the usual Korean restaurant.
Let's order something different today.
Yes, we'll do so.
Bibimbap to share
It's delicious.
Next time we will get two orders.
Yes, we'll do so.

The starless night.
The wind was cold.
I want to walk side by side
Not front and back
Do you hear me?
You are pushing the wheelchair.

2:00 am.
Silence fell again.
Bearing the fate of immobile body
From yesterday to today, and tomorrow
I walk on a tightrope of life.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

House Call

March 9th

15:00
MAMA opened the window wide to let the outside air in.
It feels so good.
A windless sunny day.
A ray of sunlight came in and cheered the room up.

Mari, Naoko ma, Watanabe, my caseworker Kikuchi, Yoshioka of Francebed, Ms. Grasshopper, MAMA and I gathered together

Care planning
Visiting nurse services
Rehabilitation
Grocery shopping
Meals
House keeping
A bed and a lift chair.

What I would need was discussed

18:45
Dr. Okabe came.
How to breathe, how to bring up sputum
About the role of oxygen, about respiratory muscles.
Influenza and how to roll over.
He explained with respect.

He would help me to sign up for the clinical trial.
It's wonderful
I saw the world through the rose-colored glasses.
It was my greatest joy to know Dr. Okabe.

With Naoko ma and Ms. Grasshopper
We started to drink
9:00 at night
Beer, highball, Lemon chuhai, and sake to finish up with.
With lunch boxes bought at 7-11.
It's easy and quick.

I was given a foot massage.
The feeling of lymphatic drainage lulled me to sleep
Stroll, strut
I want to walk
On a tree-lined street, cherry blossom in full bloom.

Tears and laughter
Naoko ma crying and blowing a nose.
Your makeup is coming off.
And I felt my own tears on my nose.
Girls talk at night with a box of tissue paper handed back and forth.

Naoko ma took back the wheelchair I'd been using.
Thank you, my wheelchair.
Thank you for carrying me.

Ms. Grasshopper helped me to prepare for tomorrow.  She
Arranged and placed my belongings in places,
Emptied the trash bin, filled water in the humidifier.
See you, she smiled.  Thank you.

This room hold many thank you today.
I'll go to bed now.
Then I wil fall asleep, murmuring my gratitude to the heaven.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

Sweat Heart

March 8th

12:50 pm
The cell phone rang.
At the other end of the cell phone over the static
I heard my ex-husband's voice.
Tears overflowed all at once.
Silence flowed between us.

The scenes from the life we shared,
Times of joy and times of sadness, were played back at an incredible speed.
Bob was crying, too,
Sniffling and reaching for tissue paper, just as he used to do in those old days.
He got the last sheet, and we laughed together.
Just as we used to be.

Love remains unchanged
I became convinced.
I don't wish to make up for the time after we broke up.
I'm sure you feel the same.
I just am happy to feel our feelings are still there after those years.

My sweetheart,
His voice, resonates
In the same way it did.
What is not the same is I have to say goodbye for good.

KP was watching
Our tears and conversation
My oscillating feelings
The moment I was convinced,
Like a robot
Turning pages of the newspaper.

My life goes on.
Laundry.
Grocery shopping.
Cleaning.
I am grateful, KP.
You always take good care of me.

We went to a restaurant, "Anbai"
A wheelchair accessible table they have.
And the food is good.
Their retro decor gives me a feeling of peace.
We had a 6000Yen course, and
Were happy with the quality and quantity.

KP loves sake
He helped me to prepare for going to work tomorrow,
Red-faced.
The life flows.

Is my life flowing to the end?
It's sad, it's lonely.
What should I do when the flow reaches to the end.
The answer, nobody knows, nobody tells.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011

A Good Day, Rainy Day

March 7th

The morning it was snowing and raining alternately.
I heard the rain
And sighed in the bed.
I had to give up going to work.

Naoko Ma and Maho came
With curry rice.
It brought back some memories.
When I was well, I used to go out to buy one.
Ms. Grasshopper joined.
The lunch is better with company.

Snowing afternoon, alone with Ms. Grasshopper
Digging out old video tapes
Eureka!
Wedding
Christmas
In reminiscent of
what we did and what we were.

Looking out
I saw people holding umbrellas
Rain, rain, please stop raining.

Ms. Ono came to accompany me to a restaurant,
"Roji", it's still drizzling.
Even gentle rain makes you wet.
I am sorry, I am sorry that it requires two hands to push a wheelchair.

Taku, Fumiko, Ayano
Old colleagues of the New York office
Always make me happy.
Fumiko,  Ayano
Yes, I'll call you when I need somebody to scratch my back.
Because of my illness, there are many things I can't do by myself.
Thank you very much.
I am grateful.

They came to my home.
I can't even serve tea for you.

After midnight,
The time between the morning and the night
I turned on the PC.

In the inbox I found the name of
My ex-husband, Bobby.

20 years of separation melted away.
His writing
He is just like he was in those days.

"That being said, I spent so much time thinking about you since I read your email this morning.  I was crying on the airplane from Rochester, but I remember so many happy times we had together."

Your words are enough.
I am happy to read your words.
Thank you,  I really am grateful.

The words I found between the night and the morning

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011