Day 10 in Hospital

May 23rd


07:00 AM
Drawing blood,
An expert nurse
Missed the vein on
My left arm.


I knew it
From my experience.
There is a chemistry
Even in drawing blood.


Between a patient and a nurse;
A body and medicine;
Drinks and nibbles；
Sea Anemone and clownfish；
A man and a woman；
It takes two to tango.


The chief nurse happened to
stop by and took
a look at my right arm.
I see the vein, she said.
Can you do it? I asked.


Ready for a prick? she said.
It stung.
She got it right.
I knew it.
It was how the Monday morning
Started.


Videofluorography
Was scheduled for tomorrow.
Dr. Sunagawa came to explain the procedure.
I see…
They will take video of movement of my throat
As I swallow solid food.


Without waiting for the result of the test yet to start
To discuss the state of disease and what to expect
Dr. Saito called on.


Four physicians standing at my bedside.
The chief physician looked at me and
Asked,
Mechanical ventilation
Do you chose to be on?


A grave decision to make.
With the machine,
The air flows
And I will live.


Without the machine
As the respiratory muscles waste away,
My breath fades away
To die.


On or off
Time to decide.


In either way
Life is precious to live.


With mechanical ventilation
I will live on
without the ability to speak
without the ability to eat.


Immobile,
I won’t be able to ward off a fly.
To Scratch my head.
To blow my nose when I have a cold.


I will lose my autonomy,
Of even a single tiniest movement,
Staring at the ceiling
I live on to the end of my life.


Without mechanical ventilation
Staring the death in the face,
Until being called to heaven,
I will be able to kind of talk
I will be able to kind of eat
Till my breathing stops.
It’s a short life to live.


Which way is better life to live?
There is no single right choice.
I didn’t expect my life would be either-or.


I asked Dr. Chief Physician.


Without Mechanical Ventilation,
How long my muscles of respiration
Would keep on working?


“Less than one year… at most.”
“Most likely half a year… six months.”


On Christmas day this year.
I will not be.


Dr. wrote something down
On the pad of paper
“NO Mechanical Ventilation”
I guessed.
As I have chosen the life without it.


It was how
The Monday
Ended.

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie
©2011