Spun and Spun Out and Out

March 25th

My sister is sleeping beside me.
We slept side by side on the home care bed.
My sleep was deeper and wider than usual.
Two of us together made me feel safe.

Savory toast for breakfast.
Three kinds of pasta for lunch
Tangerines directly from the garden of Sis Kyoko.
Sweat and sour taste of first love
A seemingly happy family.

Mr. Kikuchi, the caseworker and Mr. Watanabe came
To meet my sister.
They introduced themselves to each other.
"Thank you for taking care of her. And then I hope you will continue to assist us."

And Then
My sister asked me about "and then"
I wish my symptom would not progress and I wish I could continue to stay here by myself, together.
And then ?  She asked.
"Think it over."  "Make up your mind soon."
She hit a bulls-eye.  She threw a fastball.
I don't know yet
I don't know what I should do.

My illness is progressing.
My body signals me.
But I don't want to go back to my home town, where my mom and sister live.
Soon after my homecoming, they will place me in a nursing home in
A town called Flat, the town I don't know.
The town nobody comes to visit me.

I am unwanted.
I am a burden. That's the truth.
I sensed the truth
Nobody wants to have anything to do with
The life of the invalid, the disabled, the incapacitated.

My sister left me looking for the way.
I feel for my way through "And then?" and "Then what?" in the twilight of my life.
I don't have much time left.

For the first time, I wanted to die.
"What would you do?" they ask, and I don't have an answer.
Every day I have to answer the question, "What would you do?"
I don't have future.
So why can't I choose the option of "death"?

The god has given me a ticket to the death and I am not told the time of departure.
If I knew, I would be afraid, I would be sad.
I'm a coward.

In the evening
KP came
He told me that the subway was packed.
I want to know about the world
more and more.
If I don't know anything, my dream to be a politician would be far away.
(I wanted to be a politician.)
(You would think I was dreaming, but I was serious.)

Immediately, KP left by himself to have dinner.
Am I going to wait for you?  Again?
I've been waiting for you all the time.

Again the air of solitude took over the apartment.
Let's try how far I could go.

I pushed my self up
I fell off the bed and collapsed.
A week made a big difference in my strength, my breathing.

New York Trip ... might be out of reach.
I have to make a decision tomorrow.

There are so many decisions to be made.
I am spun and spun out and out.
My mind is screaming like Munch's painting.
I am in a fit of insanity.

Crazy, somebody said.
Provoked, I became crazier.
I don't care about
"And then?," and "Then What?"

Selfish, somebody said.
I can't keep on smiling all the time.
Allow me to scream, allow me to get angry, allow me to bark.

What? The quality of life?
How can I have it?  Tell me!
Instead of telling me to hold on.

I know
the truth of my heart.  I want you to protect me,
Embrace me
Like the universe.

I'll promise I'll not get mad
Even when I'm suffering.

Oh God, let me live.
Is it selfish to ask?

Poem by Maria Franki

Edited and translated by J. Ujiie

©2011